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One of the biggest conversations I have with women
and one of the biggest questions that women have
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in this quest for satisfaction is Finding Love.
Now I know there is a very popular narrative
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today that says we can do it all ourselves and
we don't need a man or we don't need a masculine
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partner but the reality is as humans we are
hardwired for connection and we are based in
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relationship we have come this far as a species
because of intimate partnership and at some point
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in our lives even the most independent woman
is going to Crave finding the right partner
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so in this podcast I'm going to give you some
insights as to how to go from yourself to your
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soulmate. Welcome to The Satisfied Woman podcast.
I'm your host, Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. This podcast
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is dedicated to helping women lean into their
femininity and rediscover the power of their
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feminine gifts we take a look at what it
means to be a modern woman and how we can
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live A Satisfied life on our own terms. Visit
the hub at thesatisfiedwoman.com and just for
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my podcast listeners I've set up a special page
just for you at thesatisfiedwoman.com/empowerme
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when you go to thesatisfiedwoman.com/empowerme
you're going to find a few special goodies that
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I've set aside just for you to get you started
on your own path to satisfaction so I grew up in
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this Western culture patriarchy the whole thing
just like I'm imagining you did and one of the
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narratives that I've been hearing my entire life
starting from a very small girl is that we can
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do it all and we can we absolutely can another
one is that we can do it all ourselves and even
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more is that we can do it all ourselves and also
for everyone else this I this DIY individualistic
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kind of attitude is really reinforced inside
of our culture one of the things that we prize
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the most in this culture is the idea of solo
success making your own way doing it yourself
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and unfortunately that is actually one more tool
to keep the feminine down it's one more tool of
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dismissal and devaluation for the feminine because
as we know anytime you isolate or separate groups
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of people you then have power over them so this
is a subtle way that the P well actually not so
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subtle now that I think about it it's a subtle way
that the patriarchy has tried to train women that
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we don't need help that we can do it all ourselves
that we don't need a man that we can actually man
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up on our own and as a result I've noticed and
maybe you have too we have a very interesting
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and new problem in our culture more and more women
are choosing to pursue careers pursue success and
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to pursue a path of aloneness as they progress
into adulthood this is very different and I'm
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not advocating otherwise actually just so you
know I will always advocate for what is in the
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highest and best interests of any woman so if it
is in the highest and best interest for a woman
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to pursue a path of individuality or be alone for
a while I'm all for it if it's in their highest
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and best interest to pursue the career path for a
while before perhaps settling down into starting a
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family I'm all for it but what I want us to let go
of is this narrative and concept that the only way
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forward the only way to have a successful life is
to do it by yourself I was very much indoctrinated
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into this way of thinking and because it was
so prized and valued to become as successful
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as possible I pursued a career path for almost
20 years at all costs this was at the cost of
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my relationships at the cost of my own happiness
sometimes even at the cost of my own integrity
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and self-interest now I say that out loud not to
start a pity party I don't need that but to call
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out the fact that I don't know especially in my
research that this pathway of individualism and
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doing yourself is the most uh satisfying pathway
for women it's just not not so one of the things
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that this podcast that you're listening to um
one of the goals that I have in this particular
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episode is to start this conversation about women
who want to be in Partnership women who want to
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be not independent but interdependent women
who thrive in community in collaboration in
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connection to others because those are the
qualities of the feminine that are really
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not just beneficial to the Fe feminine woman but
to everyone she's in relationship with if we don't
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have an opportunity to really settle into our
femininity and bring that forward specifically
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in relationship the world doesn't get those
qualities from us it's almost like we suck
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the life the joy the pleasure and the community
collaboration out of the world because if all of
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us are just operating on the masculine principle
then when do we get that creativity when do we
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get emotional depth and connection when do we get
the opportunity to process whatever is in us when
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do we get that if we're so hellbent on being an
individual and highlighting masculine traits then
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even we as feminine women are missing out so I'm
creating this course actually it's already being
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launched it will launch officially on February 1st
just in time for Valentine's Day yes sometimes I
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can be a little cheesy um so if you're listening
to this podcast after February 1st 2025 the course
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is already available to you if you're listening
to it now then I'm hoping this podcast is going to
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give you some ideas not just about what I present
in the course but perhaps even interest in joining
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me for the course because I think that this is one
of the central issues of the modern woman's life
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how do we not only release this masculinity that
we all have to wear to get around but how do we
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lean into our femininity because that is the
key to finding your soulmate so I use this term
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soulmate well because mostly I like it I like the
idea of a soulmate I like um the concept of Soul
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I'm okay if that's not a word that you prefer or
if that term soulmate um doesn't really resonate
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with you the reason that I use it is because for
me in my work as a depth uh psych psychology study
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and practitioner the idea of soul is our deep
unconscious it's all of those things within us
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that really make us tick that really make us who
we are and it's that soul that piece of us our
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unconscious nature that depth part of our psyche
that's the part of us that seeks and desires
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intimate connection one of Carl yung's famous
quotes is that we are wounded in relationship
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and we are healed in relationship ship of course
our early wounding happens in the relationship we
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have to our primary caregivers or our parents or
the family members who are in our household at the
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time now I don't mean to sound morose because
literally everyone has childhood wounds even
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people who come from the best households and have
the best experiences there is going to be some
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wounding even if it is just the act of separating
from the mother when you go from being an infant
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to being a toddler that's the most basic wound
that any of us can have so there is going to
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be a wounding that is actually what makes
life interesting it's what makes us tick and
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it's what makes us who we are and fortunately or
unfortunately the cliche idea that we all grow up
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to marry our parents is true I like you sincerely
wish that it were not true um but yes little girls
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grow up to seek out out and partner up or marry
their fathers and little boys grow up to seek out
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and partner with or marry their mothers this is
basic psychology and we can argue against it we
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can wish it weren't the case and yet here we are
so this idea that intimate partnership is such an
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important key in our life is not just for the
psychological purposes of healing those in our
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wounds it's for co- ulation our nervous system
actually does better at maintaining a state of
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Regulation when we are in an intimate partnership
with someone we feel safe and secure with isn't
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that amazing it actually has health benefits
as well um I'm a little pissed about it but the
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health benefits are greater for men than they are
for women but they're there for women too I think
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that the difference is that women actually have
a lot more social interaction with other women
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so they get benefits that kind of spread around
when they're in community with others but the
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health benefits of being in a long-term safe happy
healthy intimate partnership are people actually
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live longer they have lower rates of heart disease
they have lower blood pressure they have less uh
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stress overall I mean you know I don't know that I
need to convince you dear listener of the positive
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benefit of having an intimate relationship but
if you ever needed any kind of convincing there's
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some clinical data out there saying to us that
partnership is really the way that human beings
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Thrive and one of the things that partnership
does not do it does not diminish who we are as
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individuals codependency will do that certainly
when we're in a relationship that features
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codependency what is primarily happening is that
one person sees the other as incapable of doing
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life on their own that they are in need of another
person for help that they are disempowered anytime
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there's a sense of disempowerment you know you're
running into codependency and that is not what I'm
0:11:07.280,0:11:12.200
talking about we're not looking for codependency
and intimate partnership we're looking for
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interdependency where the person that we're
with has their own qualities that enhance and
0:11:20.400,0:11:29.680
complement ours so this really gets to one of the
cruxes of why intimate partnership is so critical
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for the modern day woman and again this doesn't
mean that I'm advocating that you as a young woman
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find your one intimate partner and stay with them
at all costs throughout your life I don't think we
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live in that world anymore and I don't know that
those are the kinds of values that every woman
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listening to this podcast will hold what I am
saying is that no matter where you find yourself
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at some point in your life you are going to desire
intimate partnership there might be points in your
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life where you just want to be alone there
might be a deep desire to have one long-term
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relationship there might be a desire to have
multiple at different stages it doesn't matter
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okay the format the Cadence the frequency of your
intimate Partnerships has a lot less to do with
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the fact that you are in them or not and more to
do with your ability to attend to them and to be
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honest with yourself about how important they are
to you I mean look you know when my mother divorce
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my father she swore up down left right and Center
that she would never marry again and she swore off
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men now that lasted about six years and then lo
and behold she got married again so you know even
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and my mom is formidable so even the most staunch
feminine ladies um you're just you're just going
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to want a partnership so what do we do about that
well one of the things that I speak with women
0:12:57.400,0:13:05.680
often about is this the finding of their soulmate
you know the finding of the right partner because
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not even that you know yes we would like to have a
partnership but you got to find the right one and
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the finding itself can be tricky because we are at
a disadvantage number one just because we're women
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but number two because this culture has instructed
us so firmly in the value of individuality and
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Independence now I will I will offer a little
caveat here one of the greatest pieces of advice
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I received when I was I think in my first or
second year of college it was from a mother of a a
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fellow student of mine who had been married to her
College sweetheart for decades at that point and I
0:13:48.520,0:13:53.200
said to her I remember this I said oh wow it must
have been so nice to find the man of your dreams
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right away and like take that box and have that
sorted and she said it was absolutely nice however
0:13:59.800,0:14:03.600
I decided that even though I knew I was going
to marry this man and even though we were in a
0:14:03.600,0:14:08.880
long-term partnership that after college I wanted
to live on my own for two years because I always
0:14:08.880,0:14:14.640
wanted to know that I could do it I always wanted
to have that confidence that if for some reason
0:14:14.640,0:14:20.880
there was a catastrophic breakdown and he and
I broke up that I knew I could make it and I
0:14:20.880,0:14:30.960
thought that was extraordinary advice for me as
a young woman and I have a uh person in my family
0:14:30.960,0:14:34.360
uh she's my stepmother I'm going have to call
her out and let her know that I'm talking about
0:14:34.360,0:14:43.080
her on the podcast um she had spent every single
year of her life either living with her family
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or living with a husband or a boyfriend there was
no point at her in her life where she ever lived
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alone and then she ended up at 69 years old having
to figure out life on her own for the first time
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and it was almost like teaching someone to ride a
bike you know you had to take the training wheels
0:15:02.480,0:15:08.200
off and there's this fear of falling and so I see
the value absolutely of knowing that you can be
0:15:08.200,0:15:14.600
an independent woman but what I want us to avoid
is getting stuck in that because as independent
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do what yourself at all costs and also do it for
everyone else in this culture that kind of woman
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what that requires of us is This Dawning the mask
of the masculine requires us to armor up it just
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does we live in a patriarchal culture where all
the messages we receive are that masculine values
0:15:39.280,0:15:44.840
are more important and more valuable than
the feminine and it's not even necessarily
0:15:44.840,0:15:52.600
done well because masculine values at their best
are phenomenal and an asset to every human but
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because it's the patriarchy and they really
are interested more in power over than power
0:15:59.200,0:16:06.320
with we often get a distorted image of those
masculine values rather than leadership and
0:16:06.320,0:16:13.880
guidance which are phenomenal masculine values we
get domination and control okay those things are
0:16:13.880,0:16:21.800
the same energy but one is a negative Distortion
of the other right if we can trade in control and
0:16:21.800,0:16:28.520
power over for guidance and Leadership then you
know we have a different conversation and I get
0:16:28.520,0:16:36.640
to do it different podcast but that's not what we
have so in this necessary bravado that even the
0:16:36.640,0:16:44.800
most feminine woman has to put on to survive and
get through every day we we sometimes get locked
0:16:44.800,0:16:52.880
in to wearing this mask of the masculine and we
then present ourselves to the world as being on
0:16:52.880,0:16:58.960
the masculine polarity and that's detrimental
for everybody because it denies the world of
0:16:58.960,0:17:05.240
our femininity it denies the world of our feminine
gifts and power but it also unfortunately gives
0:17:05.240,0:17:14.520
the wrong impression now I myself have experienced
this and I don't doubt that if you have not
0:17:14.520,0:17:22.320
experienced it that you know other women who have
that you are so capable and so independent in your
0:17:22.320,0:17:31.200
life that you then attract men who are on the
feminine polarity and who see you as so capable
0:17:31.200,0:17:39.720
that they simply check out and they let you do
all the work if you've encountered relationships
0:17:39.720,0:17:46.640
where the woman or the feminine partner is bossing
the other around calling all the shots directing
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the show and you see the masculine partner kind
of diminishing and Fading Into the background
0:17:54.280,0:18:05.040
that's exactly the Trap that this kind of false m
masculinity leads us into now I can't tell you how
0:18:05.040,0:18:11.480
disorienting and disheartening this can be I've
lived it myself I know what it's like because
0:18:11.480,0:18:20.520
the reality is as women who are actually on the
feminine polarity when we fake it and put on too
0:18:20.520,0:18:26.080
much masculinity we give that fake impression
of the world and what happens is it exhausts
0:18:26.080,0:18:35.440
and overwhelms us we become burnt out we become
like husks of ourselves we become tired we are
0:18:35.440,0:18:43.000
constantly answering the demands of a world that
doesn't value who we are and it's demeaning and
0:18:43.000,0:18:52.200
it's it's a heavy cross to bear and I understand
that it's a bit of a chicken or the egg question
0:18:52.200,0:18:56.160
isn't it because in order to go out into the world
and do some of the things that we're called to
0:18:56.160,0:19:02.680
do every day the only way to do it is to bring
forward our masculinity but we have to downshift
0:19:02.680,0:19:12.640
we have to bring forward our femininity in as many
ways and places and spaces as we can not only for
0:19:12.640,0:19:18.400
our own sake so that we don't have that burnout so
that we don't have that overwhelm so that we can
0:19:18.400,0:19:28.200
release and relax but so that we actually bring in
the right kind of partner I absolutely guarantee
0:19:28.200,0:19:39.000
you that the strong capable masculine partner that
you seek is not looking for another strong capable
0:19:39.000,0:19:53.560
masculine partner your strong capable healthy
masculine partner desires his equal and opposite
0:19:53.560,0:20:02.200
and I know that that's you I know it because
it's me too I have been working for decades on
0:20:02.200,0:20:07.880
this work because I have felt the exhaustion
of holding on to masculinity too hard and
0:20:07.880,0:20:15.000
giving people the wrong impression exhausting and
overwhelming myself and ultimately not being happy
0:20:15.000,0:20:21.360
or satisfied in relationship when what I deeply
crave is relationship when what we all deeply
0:20:21.360,0:20:28.760
crave is relationship and when in relationship
with the right balance of opposing polarities
0:20:28.760,0:20:38.800
we actually get to thrive even more than when
we're on our own a feminine woman on her own
0:20:38.800,0:20:44.760
in this culture is always going to be at a bit
of a detriment because this culture demands the
0:20:44.760,0:20:51.320
masculine and that's not fundamentally who we are
so we need that Sacred Space we need someone to
0:20:51.320,0:20:58.640
hold the masculine for us so that we can flourish
in our feminine we need someone who cherishes
0:20:58.640,0:21:06.000
is our femininity who responds to our emotional
depth who isn't afraid when we have an emotional
0:21:06.000,0:21:13.080
response who is responsive to our intuition when
our intuition arises and it doesn't make any sense
0:21:13.080,0:21:23.120
it is not logical our logical masculine partner
heeds it and makes decisions based upon it this
0:21:23.120,0:21:30.920
is what we might call a power couple when you have
two human beings regardless of gender orientation
0:21:30.920,0:21:38.880
anything else one fully in the masculine and one
fully in the feminine they actually get to be in
0:21:38.880,0:21:43.040
those things more of the time because of the
nature of the relationship and they get to do
0:21:43.040,0:21:50.480
each of those things better and it's almost like
we can Outsource that hyper masculinity so that we
0:21:50.480,0:21:57.800
can bring forward our incredible femininity let's
just let our masculine partner handle it we don't
0:21:57.800,0:22:04.280
need to protect ourselves because we've outsourced
it to our very capable masculine and they have the
0:22:04.280,0:22:10.320
ability to protect us physically emotionally
psychologically any level of protection that
0:22:10.320,0:22:18.040
is important to you you can Outsource that
incredible masculine trait of guidance and
0:22:18.040,0:22:25.240
Leadership you no longer have to make all the
decisions the masculine loves leading guiding
0:22:25.240,0:22:32.640
decision-making and the best of the m masculine
will be responsive to the needs of the feminine
0:22:32.640,0:22:41.920
and make decisions accordingly I mean I don't know
about you but this sounds pretty dreamy to me and
0:22:41.920,0:22:50.240
none of this has us relinquishing our agency or
our power because as a feminine woman our power
0:22:50.240,0:22:57.480
actually lies in our femininity it lies not in our
ability to have hyper direction or overly logical
0:22:57.480,0:23:03.360
thinking we can't have that remember all human
beings have both masculine and feminine within
0:23:03.360,0:23:08.080
them so when those things are necessary yes we
can call them forward yes we can employ them it
0:23:08.080,0:23:13.440
doesn't mean we just get to check out of those
things but we are stronger as feminine women
0:23:13.440,0:23:19.880
when our logical thinking follows our emotions and
intuition when our emotions and intuition are at
0:23:19.880,0:23:27.040
the Forefront driving the logic and the decisions
and in relationship when our emotions and our
0:23:27.040,0:23:38.640
intuition are the rised like secret magic of how
decisions are made in relationship and executed by
0:23:38.640,0:23:48.760
the masculine this symbiosis this allowing each
individual to really play to their strengths is
0:23:48.760,0:23:57.280
beneficial for everybody and it is how it is
absolutely how we as women are going to heal
0:23:57.280,0:24:06.760
those deep wounds that are inflicted on all of us
as little girls Okay I I like to say as a result
0:24:06.760,0:24:14.240
of my psychological training and studies that
no one gets through childhood unscathed but what
0:24:14.240,0:24:21.800
I add now in doing this work is that especially
little girls don't get through childhood unscathed
0:24:21.800,0:24:28.840
we have deep work to do inside now good news is
as the feminine we are most equipped to do it the
0:24:28.840,0:24:35.800
feminine loves depth work the feminine loves
um diving into the Shadow and taking a look
0:24:35.800,0:24:40.240
at the unconscious because that's where our
creativity is that's where we flourish that's
0:24:40.240,0:24:46.960
where we shine that's where we access our emotions
and our intuition that's our space but for us to
0:24:46.960,0:24:57.760
do that shadow work really does require intimate
appropriate healthy and sacred partnership now I
0:24:57.760,0:25:08.160
wish it weren't thee Cas I remember I think it was
probably 2012 2013 or so and uh in my past life
0:25:08.160,0:25:15.560
I taught a lot of yoga and spirituality and have
been studying psychology for this whole time and
0:25:15.560,0:25:22.080
was no stranger to doing all sorts of spiritual
and psychological therapeutic practices uh in
0:25:22.080,0:25:28.320
order to heal all the best wounds that I could
find and do the work and you know um walk the
0:25:28.320,0:25:34.080
talk as it were that I was doing and I remember
you know as a a regular meditator going to therapy
0:25:34.080,0:25:41.360
regularly for that point probably 15 years um
leaning into Shadow work training people in this
0:25:41.360,0:25:46.680
work through my courses uh I remember I was in my
bedroom and I lived in New York City at the time
0:25:46.680,0:25:53.480
and I looked at the mirror and you know my whole
day was dedicated to spiritual practice and work
0:25:53.480,0:25:58.240
and I looked in the mirror and I just had this
realization this like Stark moment of realization
0:25:58.760,0:26:05.440
and I literally looked at myself and said Alana
you've actually taken yourself as far as you can
0:26:05.440,0:26:14.040
go and to go any further you are going to need a
mirror you're going to need somebody else to hold
0:26:14.040,0:26:21.000
that lens up for you and that happens in Intimate
partnership nothing is going to heal you and allow
0:26:21.000,0:26:28.240
you to transform yourself as having the right
intimate partner someone who can hold your pain
0:26:29.120,0:26:35.560
someone who doesn't let you get away with your
BS someone who when you are triggered does not
0:26:35.560,0:26:40.160
get triggered themselves and holds you so
that you can heal and take a look at that
0:26:40.160,0:26:46.200
trigger and that wound someone who knows you so
well that they understand what they may need to
0:26:46.200,0:26:53.800
psychologically protect you from and not pull
those triggers this is the next level of depth
0:26:53.800,0:26:59.440
work it comes through intimate partnership now I
know that that might be overwhelming it puts you
0:26:59.440,0:27:05.840
on the hook for finding the right person to help
you do this but I promise that you can and I also
0:27:05.840,0:27:13.680
absolutely know that the only way you can is by
bringing forth your femininity by connecting to
0:27:13.680,0:27:23.160
your emotions and to your intuition by letting
your your deep feminine self guide you this is
0:27:23.160,0:27:33.280
how you find this soulmate to do this work with so
make sure that you start thinking about this and
0:27:33.280,0:27:38.720
considering it and finding ways to enhance your
femininity so that you attract the right partner
0:27:38.720,0:27:45.800
so that you can continue on the very important
work which is healing yourself right it's like I
0:27:45.800,0:27:51.040
it's amazing how much is wrapped up in this simple
idea when you know you're probably sitting there
0:27:51.040,0:27:56.320
thinking I just want to find a cool boyfriend
or a cool masculine partner yes and by the way
0:27:56.320,0:28:02.680
this unlocks A Whole New World of potential
for you so you want to start doing the work
0:28:02.680,0:28:08.560
Girl Let's Do It um listening to this podcast
is one way to begin another way is reading the
0:28:08.560,0:28:14.080
book The Way of the satisfied woman yes I wrote
that going to my website thesatisfiedwoman.com
0:28:14.080,0:28:20.560
and specifically for you podcast listeners
thesatisfiedwoman.com/empowerme and I have
0:28:20.560,0:28:27.200
my new course from self to soulmate which is
designed specifically to give you the tools
0:28:27.200,0:28:31.920
and tips and tricks that you need to get into
your femininity to attract the right partner
0:28:31.920,0:28:36.160
it's going to give you a checklist on exactly
what kind of partner you are looking for how to
0:28:36.160,0:28:44.200
recognize the healthy masculine and how to be
ready for that one your one when he appears so
0:28:44.200,0:28:48.800
remember the course Launches on February 2nd
you're welcome to get in early I've got some
0:28:48.800,0:28:54.080
advance bonuses for those that you do for those
that do and if it's after February 2nd when you're
0:28:54.080,0:28:58.440
listening to this then the party has already
started girl and we are waiting for you to join
0:28:58.440,0:29:04.120
thank you so much for listening to this podcast
today I am so grateful to be able to do this work
0:29:04.120,0:29:10.000
with you for you and I am doing my best to bring
the best of this work to you through everything
0:29:10.000,0:29:18.280
that I do so here's to all of us working
together to walk the path of The Satisfied Woman
