Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy | Ep 19

December 23, 2024

How do you balance masculine and feminine energy when life keeps asking you to get more done? In this episode, Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D., explores how to use your ability to plan and act while making room for emotion, intuition, receiving, and the support you need.

If you are exhausted from being the one who handles everything, begin with the free Feminine Reset.

Alanna examines the cost of staying in the masculine mask and the belief that capable women should do everything alone. She returns to the image of an inner well: replenishing yourself through both your own care and relationships that offer something back.

In this episode:

Why getting things done and living in constant doing are different experiences.
How the pursuit of success can become disconnected from satisfaction.
Why being cherished and receiving support matter alongside being respected.
How movement, journaling, and self-care can help you reconnect with your emotional life.

Go deeper:

Listen next:

Timestamps:

00:00 Balancing energy in daily life
03:23 Which qualities culture values
05:05 Getting things done without living in the mask
07:25 Success and the myth of doing it alone
14:26 Respected or cherished?
17:33 Recognizing depletion
17:59 Tending your inner well
20:48 Connecting emotion with action
23:30 Receiving rather than overgiving
25:41 Movement, journaling, and self-care
27:54 Bringing both energies together

About Alanna:

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Mythological Studies and Depth Psychology. She is the author of The Way of the Satisfied Woman and creator of The Satisfied Method™. Her work brings feminine psychology and mythological insight to women’s lives, relationships, and personal development.

Follow The Satisfied Woman wherever you listen, and share this episode with a woman who needs it.

The recording mentions an earlier resource. For the current free starting point, use the Feminine Reset linked above.

Episode Transcript

living in everyday modern patriarchal life requires some adjustments as well as a way to find balance especially for us as feminine women welcome to the satisfied women podcast I'm your host Alana kyala this podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and ReDiscover the power of their feminine gifts we take a look at what it means to to be a modern woman and how we can live A Satisfied life on our own terms visit the Hub atth satisfied.com and I've also set up a very special page for my podcast listeners to give you some free gifts to help you start on your path towards satisfaction to get your free starter kit head over to the satisfied woman.com Empower me all right on today's podcast I wanted to talk fairly casually easily and frankly about just how to navigate everyday life and Perils of existing in the patriarchy now first things first this isn't an indictment of the culture that we live in and it will certainly not be an indictment or a criticism of those who exist more on the masculine polarity people in the masculine are not our enemy the patriarchy itself is not our enemy but the patriarchy and this modern culture that we live in is really not designed to Center or Elevate femininity we have thousands of years of cultural history that have honed and refined the repression and oppression of femininity it's been placed underneath or subservient to the more masculine qualities and over time as people seek power over connection unfortunately all of the qualities of both masculine and feminine end up in a more distorted fashion both masculine and feminine energies are fantastic they're both fabulous and they're wonderful when they're in balance and when they are expressed in their fullest and highest forms when they take their more distorted or to reference popular culture terminology toxic forms that's when we run into trouble and because the patriarchy has been grinding slowly forward for thousands of years it's quite embedded and ingrained in all of our psyches we all grow up with it we're all entrained by it and we're all inculturated to it no matter how much we resist it no matter how much we try and maneuver our way out of it it is just the present culture that we live in now in my book The Way of the satisfyed woman which if you haven't checked it out yet I can't you know say other than I highly recommend it make sure you go grab it at your favorite bookstore I talk about how to maneuver and move our femininity more powerfully forward in ways that serve and suit our highest good now it's not necessarily going to be easy because we are existing within the patriarchy but there are ways to do it one of the biggest pitfalls that we face as feminine women growing up and living in this modern culture is that patriarchal values are more emphasized and masculine traits are more valued so masculine traits like success Direction decision making uh movement forward uh leadership guidance which are all fantastic traits tend to be valued over feminine traits such as Community collaboration Crea ity rest receptivity um the idea of nourishing oneself self-care taking time for oneself moving from one's Center and holding space we have places in our lives and in our culture where those feminine qualities are valued and that we have more availability to move into but in terms of just ma maneuvering everyday life I think about even driving here to record this podcast for you the act of driving down the road here in Los Angeles requires a lot of masculine traits often times to make sure that you get your space in between the traffic line of cars to make the right turn making sure that you jam on the gas in order to go through the yellow light because you're on the clock and you have to be somewhere these are all really functional and good qualities and for those of us even who lean more toward femininity there's going to be times and places throughout our life throughout our day that we will need to embrace masculine Trace in order to really get stuff done when I think about the masculine qualities that we can use most easily and to our best Advantage as feminine women it is in those moments where we have to power through and get stuff done but that's not the energy we want to have all the time and when we're locked into masculinity it actually becomes a really draining and really depleting space for us so for those of us who identify as feminine women one of the traps we fall into and one of the things we're really inculturated into is what I call Dawning the mask of the masculine and because masculine values are so present and so emphasized in this culture we're really raised to think things like we have to succeed at all costs we have to do everything ourselves we have to be everything to all people at all times this is how the patriarchy tricks the feminine into just giving itself away and as feminine women we think that this is what femininity is it's not femininity does not just give itself away femininity holds space and is receptive to receive not to give away but to receive the energy of others in the world around us and that place of receptivity asks those around us to step up and in into their highest selves in order to create a culture of symbiosis where we're all working together and that is the beautiful interplay between masculine and feminine for us feminine women who grew up in this Western culture This Modern culture this primarily patriarchal culture we've been taught to emphasize the masculine qualities that we have to succeed and because it's a patriarchal culture for us as feminine women that means that we actually have to work even harder than the masculine counterparts in our space as feminine women we have to be more present we have to be more successful we have to be more diligent we have to spend longer hours at work we have to multitask our multitasking and that gives the appearance of the ultimate goal of success if we think about the myth of the American dream and it is a myth I mean it's a good myth but it is a myth where everyone through their own agency and key Point here individuality can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and succeed on their own terms we've been trained to believe that but not everybody is on an equal playing field we've been through many years of social change and Uprising teaching us that underserved groups don't have a Level Playing Field this isn't a race where everybody starts at the starting line on equal footing some people in this race to the Finish start far behind the the starting line or they start with a 1,000 pound weight on their backs and if the expectation which is what the patriarchy expects is that whether or not you're starting behind the the starting line or with a th PB weight on your back that you're going to be able to get to the Finish Line as easily as everybody else that's just ridiculous it's just not true and it's also not possible what I want to position or postulate for you my dear listener or viewer if you're watching me on YouTube is that we don't actually need to participate in that race at all even our decades old culture of the movement of feminism even in the recent movement of the me too movement when we're fighting for equality so far what we've been fighting for is equality on masculine terms we want success just as they've laid it out we want the American dream just as it has been laid out for us we want the same privileges money goals everything that the masculine that has bred this cult culture wants and tells us we should want what if I say you know what forget all that it doesn't need to be that way and if we join this race the odds are already stacked against us let's do our own thing let's depart from this race to the top which

frankly the patriarchal notion of success is just as much of a myth as the American dream everybody's not on an equal playing field to achieve this American dream and this notion of success or keeping up with the Joneses this linear idea that there is some sort of finish line or goal to be reached and that we have to step over and above everyone else to get there really leaves everybody empty and isolated one of the biggest detriments that we face in this patriarchal culture that we deal with every day as feminine women is this myth of the individual that this DIY culture is the way to go that we need to do it all ourselves that we don't need help I mean and this comes in all the forms that we try to succeed at all costs on our own that we try to beat other people in our race to the finish line that success is driven by our own singular willpower and that as women we don't need a masculine counterpart to be happy this is all a myth and it's a myth for everybody those that are on the masculine polarity when they try to assert this individual isolated sense of living become disconnected now the truth is you can either have power which is what the patriarchy continuously seeks or you can have connection you actually can't have both feminine value rely on and very much desire connection feminine values support relationality that we're not here alone in this world and feminine values really Center collaboration and community that we are not alone it is not just about us I I remember this old saying from when I was a kid if mama ain't happy ain't nobody Happy Well if we consider Mama to be be an icon of a feminine woman then all of us as feminine women masas are not however we hold that post what we want in terms of happiness is for not just us but everyone around us to be happy we actually don't Thrive if we're trying to DIY if we're trying to do this all by ourselves if we're joining that patriarchal rat race it drains and depletes us when we lean too much into the masculine polarity and participate on a daily level in the patriarchy we feel aggressive and then the world calls us a [ __ ] we try to meet deadlines and we ask for accountability and so the world calls us pushy we assert ourselves we embrace our newly given choices and ages Y and the world calls us emotional or crazy in fact the ability to hold ourselves and others accountable the ability to remain deeply connected with our emotions and understand when we're comfortable or uncomfortable and What needs to change the desire to actually collaborate rather than dominate our strong feminine qualities they are what make us who we are and look if the patriarchy isn't going to play along and Center our values then our only choice is to Center them ourselves and to prioritize those places spaces and relationships that also desire feminine values to be centered now that doesn't mean that we just hang out with others who are feminine the world goes around because of this dynamic duo of polarities our own internal energetic dance thrives on the balance of these polarities back and forth as I said driving here to record this podcast for you even I had to bring out my masculine to make sure that I was here and in this seat ready to do this lecture for you in my best way and in the best timing possible so for for us even as feminine women masculinity and those traits are sometimes really valuable when things need to get done and that does happen but the important factor is the downshift or the shift back into our primary it now you know that you are primarily feminine if you consider this question in Intimate relationship do you most desire to be respected or do you most desire to be cherished no I know I know everybody wants both but if you really had to just choose one one that is primary for you one that when I asked the question just now your heart did a little leap or your mind or your stomach did a little leap like oh yeah I want one of those things if the leap and the instant answer was I want to be respected meaning when you make decisions or offer guidance you want those who love you and respect you to follow those decisions and that guidance if that's most important for you then your primary polarity is masculine if your heart left at the idea of being cherished then what you need is when your emotions arise and you voice them that those emotional needs and communication are honored above all else so for example when the feminine is cherished and says you know what I actually don't feel comfortable going to this event no matter how important the event is to your masculine counterpart your masculine counterpart says I hear you honey we won't go to this event then they'll change their course and direction in response to your emotional needs to truly be cherished means to never be left alone in your pain or emotional distress until a solution is reached now that is a negotiation always between the masculine and feminine and whether the masculine is outside of you in the masculine counterpart that you are in relationship with at this time intimate relationship business relationship friendship whichever or it's the masculine inside of you we have been been trained ladies to override our own emotions to override our own intuition with logical thinking active decision making and just pushing our way through but this is actually how we disempower ourselves this is how we continue to play by the patriarchy's rules and diminish our own feminine we agree with the patriarchy when we do this and push our feminine down in favor of masculine traits all the time we're reinforcing this culture that places femininity under and subservient to masculinity neither one of these qualities is better or worse than the other all of us has both but there is one that each of us will feel more comfortable leaning into more of the time and there is one that when we are in Intimate relationship with partner we will want to allow to flourish more often if we don't give ourselves the support to let our femininity flourish what happens is we feel drained we feel overwhelmed we feel burnt out we feel resentful of any requests made upon our time and energy because we consistently just feel like we don't have any more to give in my book I talk about feminine energy being like a well a well that needs tending to and we're just as responsible for tending to this well as the people we invite into our Lives who love us and cherish us this is not an individual DIY pathway it can't be because that's not what femininity prizes femininity prizes mutuality relationality and so there is as much as we can do for ourself and then the rest we ask for from those around us now we have to find those who are willing to give we have to find those masculine counterparts in Our Lives who are willing to be generous with us so that we can receive what it is that they offer it's not going to be everybody in your life right now I fully give you permission to heavily curate the places spaces and relationships that most serve your highest needs and whether that curation means an allout firing of your friends colleagues co-workers family members acquaintances whoever or a strict managing of your time and association with them either is okay but if you place your femininity first and if you want to tend to that well and ensure that you are consistently nourished and fed by that internal well spring of energy which is precious that's how you stay in your feminine power if you prioritize that then you prioritizing qualities like your emotional connection your emotions no longer scare you and you find the spaces places and relationships that are not scared or threatened by your emotions when you prioritize your intuition and when you honor it by always following its guidance you keep your well and you feel nourished when you surround yourself with places spaces and relationships that also value your intuitive insights then everyone will Faire better when you my dear sister listen to your intuition and stop letting your logical mind override it you will be happier you will be more at peace I absolutely guarantee you that there is not a feminine woman alive who has ever been okay with ignoring her intuition ignoring your intuition will always lead to regret ignoring your intuition will always lead to the choice that isn't right for you it's the feminine that feels first when change is needed and whether that's personal change for us inside of ourselves and for our own life cultural change can communal change familial change it's the feminine that feels it first it's like the canary in the coal mine do you know this story the miners used to bring a little Canary in a cage down into the coal mine I know this is horrible animal abuse but it is how it went and the canary because its lungs were so delicate if the air was too toxic to breathe the canary would know first because it would become distressed and eventually die and if they saw the canary was in distress dressed or even dead in the cage the miners knew that the air was too toxic for them and they would leave your feminine energy is exactly that it's the first primary force to understand when things need to shift now the masculine energy will strategize about the shift will create a plan of action we'll find a new way forward but the masculine who honors the feminine will cherish the intu an emotional guidance in order to course correct and find that way forward so whether that happens on the inside for you or whether that happens in negotiation with your Partnerships and relationships doesn't matter the key is is that it has to happen because when the feminine is in detriment for us as feminine women and we feel drained overwhelmed burnt out ravaged as opposed to ravished we actually can't bestow our greatest gifts upon the world we we bestow gifts sure we're probably very powerful and in fact we may even be wildly successful but it's not on our terms it's not by our measure not of success but of satisfaction we lose our sense of balance we forget our true nature and you know I'm willing to bet that many of you listening or watching this podcast have actually never felt what it's like to have a balanced feminine to have your femininity flourish and be honored and cherished by the world around you because life wasn't set up that way and we don't have femininity training all we have is feminine repression as little girls we're told to smile we're told to be pretty we're told to do whatever it is we need to do to please the masculine conversely we're told to lean into our own masculine traits succeed at all costs be all things to all people all the time we're taught that the feminine is overly accommodating and consistently gives itself away if you have bent over backwards for your family friends relationships colleagues you've fallen into that trap here's a news flash the feminine is not accommodating the feminine is receptive the feminine does not give itself away it receives when we have the space to receive nourishment we flourish that well that is our feminine energy is full that well spring remains tended to and not only are we nourished by the well but all those that we have around us the ones we love our family our community they get to drink from that well too everybody thrives when the feminine is flourishing because that's where we get pleasure nothing like the feminine loves pleasure and when the feminine woman runs pleasure through her body through any means whether it be through sexual satisfaction emotional connection relational happiness communal activities when we feel a sense of pleasure when we're fully allowed to feel pleasure it actually runs through us first and then out to others others around us experience pleasure through our own when we're fully embracing our feminine we allow creativity to happen creativity is a feminine force and it is at its core the ability to create something from almost nothing we create newness in the world we refresh what needs to have uh died or be reborn that's up to us now creativity isn't just proc creativity we birth things of all manner whether it's a new book whether it's a new method or concept whether it's a new dish whether it's a new business that creativity comes from us and we can't create something new in the world if we're imbalanced and in our masculine so powerful ways to reclaim our feminine to release the rigidity to release the over accommodation to release our own suppression of the feminine in favor of the masculine are activities that get us in touch with our feminine nature I strongly recommend activities like self-care taking a bath journaling movement practices the feminine does love to move if you like to dance even if it's just shaking a leg here and there boots scooting around the floor or if it's formal dancing I Don't Care Moving the body is an amazing way to embody your feminine energy if we feel passive or indecisive we're not tapping into our intuition one of the strongest ways we can bring forward our femininity is accessing our intuition and the intuition comes as a still small voice and the more we access it the more we honor it the more it will speak to us the more we regain a sense of trust in our feminine qualities the more it speaks the stronger it becomes within us and we become a Force so when I talk about reclaiming feminine power what I know to be true is that it is already inside of you but we've pushed it down so mightily as a culture and even as individuals that it's quiet it's repressed it's not flourishing so the work that we need to do is to bring it out of ourselves and also to find our places spaces and relationships that honor it so anything that brings you back into balancing connection with your feminine will help and heavily curating your environment to the best of your ability will help understanding your intuitive Notions or ideas and following them is absolutely key and honoring your emotions when they arise and not being afraid of them yourself and finding environments that are not intimidated by your emotions are also key change happens change begins from the fem changes undertaken by the masculine and again this balance between these Dynamics is truly how the world goes around whether that's our own internal world or hopefully as we start to make progress The World At Large so day to day living in this patriarchal culture it will continue to be a battle for a while likely probably a long while but my hope is that we can start to battle less that we can start to relax and release into our femininity and bring forth the power of those feminine traits so that we and those around us not only can flourish but feel pleasure and satisfaction as a result thank you for listening to this podcast it's been my pleasure to bring it to you if you want more resources if you want to join me in my community or in any of my courses please visit the website the satisfied woman.com and don't forget to go get your free satisfied starter kit by visiting my special page just for my podcast listeners at the satisfied woman.com empowerme until next time I'm yours in satisfaction

Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy | Ep 19

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