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A quick Google search reveals that the dark
feminine is incredibly misunderstood but
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also people are interested in finding out more
about it this podcast will cover what the dark
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feminine is what the misconceptions are and how
we can actually lean into it to increase our own
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femininity and personal power welcome to the
satisfied woman podcast I'm your host Alanna
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Kaivalya, Ph.D. This podcast is dedicated to
helping women lean into their femininity and
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discover the power of their feminine gifts we
take a look at what it means to be a modern
0:00:37.880,0:00:45.760
woman and how we can live A Satisfied life on our
own terms visit the hub at thesatisfiedwoman.com.
0:00:45.760,0:00:52.160
So I was asked a question the other day
about the dark feminine and how somebody
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might overcome it and it wasn't a term that I've
necessarily heard of before in its own right so I
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myself did a quick Google search turns out what's
out there on the internet when it comes to the
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dark feminine is a lot of assumptions and a
lot of uh continued vilifying of femininity
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and Womanhood people Describe the word dark to
anything they think is bad or anything that they
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don't like about femininity it's also ascribed to
the qualities of femininity and Womanhood that has
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been vilified Mis represented repressed overlooked
suppressed by the dominant culture or historically
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the patriarchy now I'm more of familiar with the
term dark as it relates to psychology when we talk
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about the dark side of things in Psychology and
specifically depth psychology which is where my
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training comes from it doesn't connote anything
bad so I thought especially in terms of my work
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bringing forward femininity giving people an
opportunity to express their femininity lean
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into their Womanhood and to hopefully destigmatize
anything around being a woman being feminine this
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would be a good topic to cover in a podcast what
we don't need any more of as women is um labels
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that anything about us is bad wrong shameful
should be oppressed suppressed so let me just
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right away relieve you of any tension or shame
around anything that you think might be dark
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so if you Google search like I did or if you've
read any articles or have any Notions of what dark
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feminine is the first thing really to understand
is that there's nothing about us as women that is
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bad nothing at all I mean really if if we're
you know clear and honest about it there's
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nothing about any human that is bad and in terms
of psychology or other spiritual practic I es bad
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and good are not helpful terms and they don't
really accurately represent what is happening
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to us as humans now there may be qualities we're
not in love with things we don't want but if we
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don't want them or we're not in love with them
it's easy enough to redirect or uh Elevate our
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personality or um work things out in a certain way
so that we Lean Into the Light more often but if
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we don't like something about ourselves because
other people Society culture our families have
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shamed us about them well then that's something
to take a look at and that seems to be what's
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happening with this idea or this concept of the
dark feminine that it's the articles that I read I
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I laugh because as soon as I read them I I popped
up from I believe I was on the couch and went into
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the bedroom where my beloved partner was is doing
some packing or putting things away and I started
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in on a rant with him and I said look this is
exactly what frustrates me about this work and
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being in this field right now is that there's
so many misunderstandings and misconceptions
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and even women whose articles I read were deeming
things dark that are actually incredibly powerful
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about the feminine one of them is sexuality and
sensuality women's sexuality and sensuality has
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been suppressed vilified shamed for so long
that even women ourselves we often feel a
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sense of Shame oppression and vilification
of our femininity and our sexuality we try
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to hide it we try to cover it over we try to dress
differently we try to act differently or if we're
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so um frustrated with it we may actually be Brazen
about our sexuality and then vilified in another
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way I I remember of course and you probably do as
well if you're a woman in this culture listening
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to this podcast growing up in school and how
difficult those early teenage years can be with
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the emergence of our sexuality and the incredible
shame and intolerance surrounding it whether that
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be our family not wanting us to grow up not
wanting us to dress like women or even become
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women whether that be our Pure group of the
same gender or opposite gender shaming us for
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exploring our sexuality people finding out about
that exploration calling us [ __ ] labeling Us in
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certain ways and then deeming us as trash and
completely unworthy a woman's sexuality for
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herself can actually be fairly dangerous in terms
of how it is represented how it is tolerated by
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those around her and because we learn that from
a really early age we develop a lot of tricks to
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cloak it hide it suppress it or wear it openly
in a way that is both powerful and yet can move
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into uh dangerous not just for others but
for ourselves as well when sexuality is
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used against others it can be manipulative it
can be um harmful so that's when things become
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dark female sexuality the feminine her sensuality
is not in and of itself bad dangerous negative in
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any way but because a woman's sexuality has
been a source of power for men in the past
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they have tried to control it in the patriarchy
and have made us believe certain things about
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it if you look up where the patriarchy began
and we we have different places in terms of
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time whether it was 2 200 years ago 3,000 years
ago 5,000 years ago wherever look in history to
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decide where the patriarchy began it begins with
a couple of things and one is control over women
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and control over their sexuality their fertility
and the population so the idea of men having some
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control over their over over their uh female
population their ability to procreate uh who
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they're procreating with all of this becomes
a control issue and we as women women receive
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the message that we're only good with one person
that we're only good if we have children that our
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sexuality is dangerous when we use it on our own
when we make our own decisions about procreation
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how to have children when to have children if
to have children all of this is wrapped up in
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thousands of years of history and messaging that
disempowers women from owning their sexual power
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now that puts it in a certain place in our psyche
it puts it in a let's say like a hot box in our
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psyche women's sexuality is a natural part of who
we are we are sensual beings in fact in terms of
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feminine versus masculine sensuality is uniquely
female it's uniquely female we as feminine women
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are designed in our psyche in our bodies in our
Essence in our DNA in our cellular structure
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to feel pleasure and to run pleasure through
our bodies it is not just our god-given birth
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right but it is our natural human right to do so
and when we are able to do it with a freedom of
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expression without fear without shame it allows
those that we are being sensual or sexual with
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to also experience and receive pleasure we are
the conduit for this we are the s source for
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this and you can imagine in a world without any
context without any history without any labels
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boxes Darkness any of that stuff how incredibly
freeing and how powerful that is now I for one
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want all women of any age to be able to be free
and fearless in her sensuality and sexuality to
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lean in to the light side of it to feel feel the
power of it to experience that life energy that
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runs through us when we are completely tapped
in to the sensual and sexual gifts that we as
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women possess that's who we are that is good
it is right it is true it is natural there is
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nothing shameful about it so any messages from
the culture historical until now any messages
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from our family from society from religion
wherever we're getting that messaging from and
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trust me ladies I know that messaging is coming
from everywhere uh I see it a lot on social media
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we see it a lot in film and TV I I went to a movie
last night actually um and it was about the wild
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west uh which I do have a love and Fascination for
all things Western but there was a point in the
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movie where I um you know knowing mythology and
story structure the way I do I thought to myself
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well this is the point in the film where violence
against women will happen and sure enough it did
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because that's a part of our story that's a part
of our culture it is just it shouldn't be but it
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is expected and uh it also shouldn't be but it
is more normalized than uh is right for any human
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certainly but just because this is our culture
and this is just because this is the narrative
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that exists around us doesn't make it right and it
doesn't make it dark so anything we feel about our
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femininity and and I'm leaning into sensuality
and sexuality right now because it is a potent
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example of how when you know a simple search
reveals that dark feminine turns up sexuality
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like as if something is wrong with our sexuality
as if we shouldn't have any as if we are suddenly
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bad trashy worthless [ __ ] if we use it if we uh
own it if we participate in the sexual experiences
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of being alive at this time um I call [ __ ] on
that I do and I also will call BS on anything else
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that is deemed dark in femininity now I love
that term BS not just because it allows me an
0:11:51.800,0:12:00.520
opportunity to swear but because BS also stands
for belief system and that is what BS is it is
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a belief system it is a cultural social personal
psychological religious whatever narrative that
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labels something perhaps incorrectly so we as
satisfied women have an opportunity a tremendous
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opportunity now more so than at any other time
in history to challenge this BS and these social
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narratives another thing that is often vilified
and deemed dark for women and femininity is our
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emotions and our emotional capacity now if
you read my book and I hope you do the way
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of the satisfied woman you'll read that there
are two qualities to being a feminine woman
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that are most important there are lots
of qualities but if we had to pick two
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to be the most important things that really
make us who we are that really give us owner
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ship and agency in our femininity that really
make us special and unique in terms of this
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polarity between masculine and feminine it
is our emotions and our intuition and both
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are often deemed dark and vilified in fact
witches hundreds of years ago and you know we
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can extrapolate and uh look at the metaphor
about witches today but witches hundreds of
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years ago were deemed witches because of their
intuition and their emotions and their strong
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convictions in both directions and that ended
badly for them it ends badly for us today too
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I have been in many situations and perhaps you
have as well where emotions arise for a woman
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and their people surrounding them immediately
turn ask them to turn them off whether that be
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family members you know don't cry you shouldn't
be upset about this uh you're overreacting
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I've certainly heard those messages in the past
for even from people who love me it doesn't make
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the people who say these things bad necessarily I
would say it just makes them uneducated and also
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very indoctrinated into current culture um on the
flip side for the masculine one of the continued
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admonishments is that Boys Don't Cry well why
not sometimes boys get sad sometimes things
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are terrible and crying is okay for women we are
vilified for emotions and intuition our emotions
0:14:31.840,0:14:39.160
are scary to others because if they're real
and authentic and true they can be confronting
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they can point out what in that situation is
uncomfortable needs to be course corrected
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needs to change the feminine is the change agent
the masculine stays the course now both of those
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qualities are perfect and good in of themselves
sometimes we need to really stay the course to
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get to a Finish Line and sometimes we really need
to take a hard right reassess course correct do
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something differently those who like to stay the
course don't like to course correct and change and
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so because the patriarchy is in power because we
are living in a masculine world we even as women
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are resistant to our own emotions and the desire
for change we find our discomfort intolerable as
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opposed to the limus test for what is right in our
lives and what is going well and what needs to be
0:15:37.560,0:15:47.760
updated so there is no such thing if we were to
recap here there is no such thing as dark feminine
0:15:47.760,0:15:55.160
it doesn't exist there's no there's no any there's
no specific quality of anything that is dark it
0:15:55.160,0:16:02.400
becomes dark for us anything becomes dark for us
as a human when it prevents us from finding our
0:16:02.400,0:16:09.560
own light when it prevents us from bringing light
into our world when it prevents us from connecting
0:16:09.560,0:16:16.440
with others or when it comes up and causes
problems for us and in inopportune times that is
0:16:16.440,0:16:24.520
Darkness that's a psychological term so if we use
a a basic idea let's say pushy right because we've
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covered the heavy ideas of a woman's sexuality or
a woman's emotions which hopefully I've given you
0:16:31.080,0:16:37.440
some examples of why those are actually good if
we look at just a regular quality like pushiness
0:16:37.440,0:16:43.720
women are pushy were immediately labeled a [ __ ]
uh that's not that's not true um pushies a really
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good quality pushy can get stuff done pushy lets
people know where you stand now pushy in a way
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that overrides the needs and well-being of others
that's dark that's where we start to take light
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away from our world or other people and that
is darkness and that's a psychological trait
0:17:07.520,0:17:15.440
we have many choices every day as humans and as
feminine women to either lean into the light or
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not and when we don't when we feel the light being
either sucked away from us or when we're taking it
0:17:21.160,0:17:30.800
from others we have just run into a dark side of
our personality now sexual uality is not dark but
0:17:30.800,0:17:38.280
if we use our sexuality as women to manipulate
others that is a dark element of the feminine
0:17:38.280,0:17:45.280
emotions are not dark emotions make us who we
are as feminine women and they can help others
0:17:45.280,0:17:54.800
to realize what needs to shift about a situation
but if we use our emotions to keep people hostage
0:17:54.800,0:18:01.440
like oh no this is going to upset her if I do it
and so they won't that is a dark element of our
0:18:01.440,0:18:09.200
femininity now any of us at any time can lean into
the darkness of our personality whether it be just
0:18:09.200,0:18:15.160
our human personality whether it be our feminine
side whether it be our masculine side and because
0:18:15.160,0:18:24.040
of common cultural tropes and narratives we do
see uh common Tendencies for people to try and
0:18:24.040,0:18:31.720
um have an outlet for what is being suppressed or
repressed in the culture so they behave badly they
0:18:31.720,0:18:38.520
repress things themselves they deny things about
themselves and anything you repress or suppress
0:18:38.520,0:18:43.640
you're going to run into the hydraulic nature of
the unconscious which is like a Jack In The Box
0:18:43.640,0:18:49.560
effect if you press down your sensuality or your
sexuality too much it is going to rear its ugly
0:18:49.560,0:18:56.240
head in the most inopportune way if you repress
your emotions I promise you that is not going
0:18:56.240,0:19:01.640
to work out and Eng is going to rear its head in
the most inopportune way it will cause problems
0:19:01.640,0:19:09.000
for you and most likely for your relationships so
the answer here to how to bring Darkness what we
0:19:09.000,0:19:13.800
perceive to be dark about ourselves about
our personality about our psyche into the
0:19:13.800,0:19:21.960
light is to make sure that whatever quality you
possess is being used for your highest good and
0:19:21.960,0:19:26.400
the highest good of those around you to the best
of your ability we're not always going to get it
0:19:26.400,0:19:33.240
right that Darkness can be difficult difficult to
unwind uh this is what a lot of therapy works on
0:19:33.240,0:19:41.880
a lot of psychological work therapy uh Works
internally on these things that have gotten
0:19:41.880,0:19:48.560
stuck that have gotten vilified that have gotten
ignored for too long in order to revise them and
0:19:48.560,0:19:54.360
set them free in such a way that they actually
serve you so if you are a person who's never
0:19:54.360,0:20:00.560
explored the darkness it's nothing to be afraid
of it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of and
0:20:00.560,0:20:09.840
it is as Joseph Campbell would say the darkness
where you find the most gold so this could be your
0:20:09.840,0:20:16.560
big opportunity to shine not just for yourself but
for everyone around you so do not be afraid of the
0:20:16.560,0:20:21.240
dark feminine it is simply a part of who you are
that you may not have explored or really brought
0:20:21.240,0:20:26.840
forward yet and maybe a part of who you are that
you don't quite understand and maybe are not using
0:20:26.840,0:20:35.240
to its most effulgent or Illuminating purpose but
it's a part to explore and as feminine women I
0:20:35.240,0:20:41.760
want us to explore and to be free to explore all
the parts of who we are because the more that we
0:20:41.760,0:20:48.120
lean into our femininity and the more that we
bring It Forward the more that we um rip off
0:20:48.120,0:20:55.520
that tightly coiled uh assumption about what a
woman is supposed to be a woman is not supposed
0:20:55.520,0:21:02.400
to be anything but genuinely herself and I look
forward to doing everything I can to helping you
0:21:02.400,0:21:09.000
find yourself lean into your femininity and walk
the path of the satisfied woman thank you so much
0:21:09.000,0:21:15.640
for being here on the podcast with me and I'll
look forward to speaking with you on the next one
