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Inevitably, in partnership, we are going to run into conflict. It is just part of being human, and even the most perfect relationships are going to have conflict from time to time. Now, understandably, conflict, arguments, fights, whatever you want to call them, cause each person quite a bit of stress. But what I want to offer on this podcast is a way to remove, or at least release some of the stress of conflict based on navigating it from a masculine and feminine polarity, if we stay in our primary polarities through conflict and use that as a foundation for resolution. Not only can we resolve the problem, but we can create stronger relationships and greater understanding as
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a result.
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Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com and for my podcast listeners, I have a special page set up just for you at the satisfied woman.com/empower Me. When you go to that page, you'll get a free starter kit to set you on the course to living a more satisfied life. So thank you so much for joining me for this podcast, and it has been so exciting to see the growth of the podcast and this conversation really taking hold. Now, hopefully you know that as the author of the way of the satisfied woman, most everything that I do and talk about comes from the book, and I use my formats of podcasting, blogging, some of my online courses and my online community in order to support the women in this community in really honing some of these skills, talking about these ideas, and bringing them to life in a very practical way in their own lives. One of the things I've been speaking to women about recently, especially my private coaching clients, is relationship conflict. Now there's no way around it. We are human. Conflict is going to happen. And even in perfect or good or wonderful relationships, conflict happens. It is not actually the lack of conflict that determines how strong a relationship is or how long it will last, but rather how we deal with and move through conflict with our partner. This is actually, I can say studies show this. If you've ever heard of the work of the gottmans, then you know that this is true, and they have done decades worth of work on relationships up in Seattle to determine what it is that really makes relationship structures work. And they will tell you right away that conflict is going to happen. Even some of the strongest, most long term relationships have heavy duty conflict. These people are bickering and arguing all the time. The difference is that when they have this conflict, each party knows that the other has their back and that there's going to be a way through that there will be either a solution or a resolution. And when each partner has that faith, it doesn't matter how the conflict dynamics are, but they have the faith to get through it, because they know the other person always has their back. I think that's a really important thing to keep in mind, because when we are in conflict with our partner, especially our intimate partner, we often start to feel very alone and as if they're on the other side, as if they effectively are our enemy. And if that's the case, if it's a battle to be won, then really, in the end, there are only losers. So first and foremost, take a take stock of your own intimate partnership right now, if you're in one and if you're not, then think about partnerships that you've had in the past when you had conflict with these people. Do you feel a sense of togetherness, even during the conflict? Do you feel a sense of assuredness that your partner will remain with you no matter what, no matter how ugly it gets, no matter how big the issue is, that there's a sense that we're in this for the long haul, and I will love you even on the other side of this, and that there is an other side, there's a certain level of emotional maturity required for that kind of connection and perception in relationships. So that really is a good starting point for us. If you yourself don't have that sense of you know what? I don't know if they're going to be here in the end, or even I don't know if I'm going to be here in the end. You. Then a good question to start with is, is this relationship worth fighting for? Now, if the answer is yes, then I have some tools for you to consider in how you fight and how we fight, especially as women. So one of the things I was thinking about as I was getting ready to record this podcast was, you know, who is this podcast for? I am here to talk, to teach, work with coach, women on the feminine polarity. That's my primary audience. However, I'm wondering ladies listening to this podcast, if this is one you might want to share with your guys, there could be something here for both of you that could be very helpful. So just be open to it, and guys, if you're listening, let me tell you that I am so grateful for you listening and for your appreciation and for your engagement with what it is that makes femininity powerful, and for being ready and willing to stand with it, because that's what this will require. So conflict just, you know, again, I don't need to know what the conflict is. I don't need to know what we're arguing about. It could be something small. It could be something big. I'm going to use a few examples in this podcast to illustrate how to work through conflict based on polarity, so that you understand how this works. But really, for the feminine, it's about staying in your feelings. And for the masculine, it's about staying in your incredible power of problem solving and sorting things out. All right now, for the feminine, our greatest superpowers are always going to be our intuition and our emotion. And if you've listened to literally any of my podcasts, read my book, done anything with me, anywhere you'll hear me talking about this all the time. I cannot say it enough, and I cannot overstate it, one of the issues with our culture today is that emotion and intuition have really been minimized and even demonized. Intuition and emotion are sometimes vilified for their efficacy. They're written off because they're not logical or rational. But hear me out, that's not the point of intuition or emotion. They offer insights on a different level than logic and rationale, and that doesn't make them bad, that doesn't make them unequal, that doesn't mean we get to dismiss them, and it actually does not make them incorrect or untrue. There is nothing untrue or unreal about emotion. There's nothing invalid about emotion, it is simply information on a different level, and just because it doesn't perhaps hold up to the scientific method, doesn't make it untrue or unreal. So for the women listening, what I want to do first here is to validate your emotional experience, no matter what it is. And one of the things that this culture tends to do when women have emotions is to invalidate or dismiss them. I I can't tell you, I know and every woman has heard at some point when she has an emotional response something like, Oh, you're just acting crazy, or you are crazy, or are you on your period? Or this has to be PMS, all of these kinds of reactions diminish and devalue the woman's experience. So first and foremost, those are not okay reactions. Even if the woman is on her period, it doesn't make her emotions invalid, even if the woman is feeling a bit out of sorts, it doesn't make her crazy, and it doesn't make her emotional response invalid. Emotional responses are valid now, there are certainly tactful ways to present them to make sure we don't use those emotions to lash out in inappropriate ways, all of those things I understand, but the emotional response itself, when presented in a healthy, respectful way to the masculine is a 100% valid experience, and it is true for the woman. So we need to stay in our feminine feelings when we're having conflict, because that, again, is our superpower. We know something is wrong in our world when we feel a sense of discomfort, the feminine is like the canary in the coal mine. We're going to feel it first. We're going to feel that sense of pressure or discomfort or dis ease, unease in certain situations, and we don't have to know why. That's the amazing thing about being in the feminine. We're not the ones who have to crack the code. We don't have to apply logic and reason to it. We have the masculine for that. Now, as feminine women, if we're on our own, if we're single or. Dealing with a problem on our own. We can use our own faculty of masculine energy in order to apply logic and reason, perhaps to do some problem solving for the problem, but we always want it to be in service to our feminine we never want to use masculinity to override our intuition, to dismiss our emotions. That is what is going to perpetuate the conflict, whether it be an internal conflict that we're trying to sort out on our own, or what I'm really discussing in this podcast, which is an interpersonal, relational conflict.
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So I want to just center and appreciate and validate the emotional experiences, the intuition of women, whatever it may be, okay, because no one, absolutely no one. And I give this a 100% ironclad guarantee, no one ever has been served by ignoring their intuition. Not one time ever in history. You can fact check me on that if you want, but please trust me, ignoring our intuition and our emotional responses, trying to repress them, dismiss them and validate them, devalue them. Any of that is not going to have good, long term consequences and again, whether that's us doing it on our own, or whether that's our partners doing it in relationship with us. So when we have an emotional response, when something is upsetting to us, that is where the conflict really is going to start. And I am talking to women here. Of course, men can get upset too. Of course they'll have an emotional response. I'm centering this discussion on conflict with the woman's emotional response, just for now, we can talk about the other side at some point. But when, when an emotional response occurs for a woman, and it's a sense of discomfort, you know, you know, as a woman listening, you know, if you have a sense of discomfort, it doesn't just go away. It's not just going to go away. It's going to go away. It's going to be like a little wound that festers that you you scratch at and you pick out a little bit, and you want it to just heal, but it won't until you address it. This is the power of Inquisition that women have. This feminine energy is deeply inquisitive. It is always going to seek truth, and it's going to seek truth from this feeling and intuitive place. Sure we can fact check it, we can go through all the problem solving measures. We can apply logic and reason down the road, but we'll start with the feeling. So when we have conflict, ladies, listen up. And this might be counter intuitive, especially to our cultural training, what we need to do first is essentially stay in the feeling of it and name the feelings of the conflict. So for example, I'm working with a coaching client who has a high need for organization and cleanliness in her home. That's fine. It's fine. It's not right or wrong. It's just the way that she feels most comfortable and most at ease and when things are not organized and clean in her home, when her husband doesn't participate in this, when he doesn't center that need for her, she not only feels uneasy and uncomfortable in her own home, she feels unappreciated, she feels invalidated, she feels un cherished, because there's something about cleanliness and organization for her that makes her feel safe and secure. Now the masculine, the healthy masculine, will always do what he can to preserve and uphold the safety, security, trust and feeling of being cherished for his beloved feminine so for those of you that have listened to this podcast or read my book, you know that I've just named the four Keys, a woman cannot be satisfied without these four keys in place, and the healthy masculine Partner will know that and will always do what he can to help preserve and uphold these four keys, not just for her, but also with her. Okay, there's a lot of dialog and input that needs to occur. So when we have a feeling about something, we need to name it. Hey, husband of mine, I feel really uncheurished and really cramped and really uneasy when the house isn't clean. Can you help me with that? Okay, so we need to start with our feeling. The Healthy masculine in partnership, cherishes the feminine. Now, I love this definition of cherishing. You ready? Write it down? I've written down for you in my book, but if you don't have it, write it down. The masculine cherishes the feminine when he never. Her alone in her pain until a solution is reached. The masculine cherishes the feminine when he never leaves her alone in her pain until a solution is reached. So when the beloved masculine loves his beloved feminine. He is attentive and attuned to her emotional state. He understands that there is work to be done. This is a this is always a moving target here, that there is always going to be work to be done, that there is something he can do to help preserve and uplift this feeling state for his beloved feminine now, this is not codependency, okay? The man is not responsible for your happiness, right? We all as individuals are responsible for our own happiness, our own experiences. However, we are relational beings, and in relationship, our partner is going to have an impact on our happiness and well being. They just are. You cannot exist and live in proximity with someone for so long and not expect them to have some impact. If you truly love them, and if you are truly loved by them, your emotional and overall, general well being is going to be a priority and part of working on the relationship
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is doing our best as individuals to maintain and uplift that well being and happiness for the other. It's part of the joy of being in relationship when we no longer want to work on that, when we are no longer in love with the partner, then we exit the relationship and we work on something else. But while we're in relationship, to center the relationship, we need to uplift both partners. Elevate their well being, their emotional state, preserve their safety, their security, their trust. This
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is part of the work.
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A relationship is work. So when the feminine states her feelings about a situation, hey, you know what this dirty house makes me feel really anxious. I feel a sense of anxiety. Is this something you can help me with? Right? What that does is it centers us in the feminine, it keeps us in our femininity, and it allows our masculine partner to do what he can do best, which is problem solve. The masculine has extraordinary skills when it comes to getting things done and solving problems. Now, ladies, of course, we have those skills too in our masculine if we'd like to outsource it, because we're in relationship, we want to have this in this point counterpoint, kind of back and forth, which is relationship that is relating. Then we stay in our feminine feelings and we ask for a solution, because the loving masculine will want to solve our pain. You will want to solve our problem. Now, I have been alerted to a trend recently where, when the feminine is in distress, one response by the masculine is, do you want to just be heard, or do you want help problem solving? All right now, I get it sometimes, yeah, we just want to rant and rave, and I can't imagine. I can't imagine, and ladies, you can connect with me and let me know if this doesn't resonate with you. But I can't imagine, as a woman, whatever you're ranting or raving about, whatever is causing you distress, whatever is creating a negative emotional response for you, whatever is making you feel uncomfortable as a response of that, of stating it out loud, I can't imagine that some support in alleviating that wouldn't be nice. I mean, wouldn't it be nice? You know, even if the support is just, Hey babe, you know what it sounds like, you really just need to kind of get it out of your system. Use me as a sounding board. Here we go. And that is a solution, and that will make the masculine feel as if he is participating in alleviating your well being, and your well being will be alleviated. So here's the tricky thing, and now this is for the masculine. So men, if you're listening, and I hope you are, and I'm grateful that you're here. And ladies, if you're listening, listen carefully. Still, the trick is, and this, actually, it does apply to both parties, but the masculine tends to get a little more hung up about it. What we cannot do in conflict, what we cannot do in conflict is be attached to being right. Because when we are attached to being right, what we do is we pit ourselves against the other person. We are now in battle, and in battle, everyone loses. When we're in relationship, there cannot be an us against them. There just can't. Relationship doesn't work that way. Relationship is always about creating a bridge between the two of you, even when you are on either side of the bridge. It's about finding a way to meet in the middle. And rightness is one of the things that the masculine does really well when science is involved or when we need to find the right answer to an equation. But women are not an equation. We are not here to be figured out. We are here to be supported and loved just as you are. And the power of relationship is finding that support and love and a way through together, so rightness cannot be in it. Now let me give you a really great example that I heard recently that I thought was incredibly powerful. To help illustrate this point, let's say there's a conflict between a couple where this is a makeup one, obviously, where the woman is saying, I feel scared. So she's in her feelings, I feel scared that the house is on fire. So one response from the masculine is to say, maybe the house isn't on fire, okay? And that is the masculine trying to be right. Now I concede the house may not be on fire. It may actually be a fact that there is no fire in the house, but what is not a fact. And what I cannot concede is that the woman isn't scared that that is the case. We don't need to rationalize her feelings. Feelings are not rational. That's fine. They are true for the person feeling them. So instead of relying on the rightness, which is always going to be problematic in relationship, we rely on the solution, on the problem solving, which is one of the most extraordinary characteristics of the masculine now here's how you solve this problem. When the woman says, I feel scared the house is on fire instead of standing in rightness and saying the house is not on fire and devaluing, diminishing, minimizing, dismissing her feelings, gaslighting her, making her, making her feel as if her experience is not valid, we don't need to perpetuate any of those things. What we can say is the masculine, sorry, baby. I hear that you feel scared. What's gonna make you feel most safe? Or to simply take action, get the woman out of the house, put a blanket around her, put her on the lawn, sit down with her. Okay, do you feel safe now? You were scared a moment ago. Do you feel safe? If the woman does feel safe, she says, Yeah, you know what? I'm feeling more safe now. Then instead of saying, look, the house isn't on fire, you say, Okay, do you feel safe enough for me to go in and check the house? What that's going to do is foster trust. Now, let me define trust for you in terms of intimate partnership, trust between intimate partnership means that everything you do, everything whether they're there with you or not, is with their highest good. In mind, everything you do serves their highest good. The relationship's highest good is done as if they
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were standing right there with you,
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they would approve of it. They would feel good about whatever it is you're doing. That is trust. So when you've given her comfort, when you've taken her from her scared place into a safe place, when you checked in with her, when you're attuned to her feeling state, you're building trust you're acting with her highest good in mind. And when you say, Hey, can I go in and check the house, you're not invalidating her. You're supporting what she's saying. You're you're telling her, I believe you, which is one of the most important things a woman can hear, by the way. And when you go through the house look in your own rational mind, you might be thinking, this is, this is, this is, I don't even understand why she thinks the house is on fire. I don't understand there's not a problem here. Everything looks good. She should be able to see the house is on fire. I understand that we're not trying to be right as you go through and check the house, as you validate her experience and response when you come out and say, baby, I checked it. The house is not on fire. Not only will she believe you, she will trust you. She will respect your decisions, your actions, and a woman who respects your decisions and actions and trusts you
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will follow you anywhere
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the masculine preserves our trust. The masculine preserves our goodwill. The masculine preserves who we are as feminine women, when they cherish us in our emotions and intuition, when they center our emotions and intuition and they don't need to. Be right about it, they simply need to act in terms of finding resolution. So when my coaching client presented to her husband, who previously has been nothing but messy, this idea of, wow, you know what being in a messy space, and I understand. And she acknowledged. She's like, look, I understand that my level of comfort around cleanliness is much higher than yours. I understand there's discrepancy there. I'm not trying to be right about it, right? My version of cleanliness is not more right than yours. I understand that I have I have this need. You have this need. They're a little bit different, but I actually feel really anxious when the house is dirty. Do you know what he started doing? He started cleaning the house. Because after he did, she said to him, wow, that makes me feel really good. The healthy, loving, masculine absolutely wants to participate and uphold our well being, even if it doesn't make sense, even if it feels not right, when we all are safe and secure, when we're all in a place of trust and harmony and relationality, when we're working with The other for the good of not just the relationship itself, but for each of us as individuals. That's when we soar. That's what determines the longevity of a relationship, because neither one person can be right without the other one feeling or being wrong, and who wants to be wrong in a relationship? Who wants to be wrong in a situation? From our own perspectives, we are all right. And I know that that's a weird one to digest, especially when we can point to things like, hey, the house isn't on fire. The point is, it's not about the house being on fire. It's about what you can do to make her feel safe and secure that the house isn't on fire and it doesn't have to make sense. Okay? So one of the shifts, I think, for the masculine is to be comfortable with the irrationality of emotion and intuition, especially of his beloved feminine partner, the healthy masculine serves almost as like a mooring post for the emotions and intuition to crash against and it will and for the feminine, we need that safe harbor, that safe mooring to go through all these things that we go through every day because we do when born in bodies that have hormonal fluctuations that produce these amazing emotions all the time, when we're allowed to feel them and express them, we are the ones who help correct the course and create greater comfort, ease and well being for everyone on this journey with us, course correction is always required. And when we have a new course, nothing but the masculine is ready, prepared and willing to take that course and move us forward. They are awesome at it, especially the healthy, loving masculine. We need that energy. And when these two energies work in Confluence with one another, not in conflict, but in Confluence with one another. That course correction ultimately gets us to our destination, whatever that may be. Now, if you're a sailor and I'm a sailor, you know that oftentimes to get to your end point in a sail, you do not go in a straight line. I know the masculine loves the straight line. The masculine doesn't want to waver from its course. However, sometimes you have to, and good sailors know that. Okay, so the next time you're in conflict as the feminine woman, your role. And I know that this might be hard, especially in today's culture where you know we're even we're even told that our emotions aren't valid and that we need to get into our rational mind in order to solve problems. No, we don't. No, we don't. And we are going to be stronger and more cherished when we stay in our feelings, especially in relationship. So naming the feeling this experience makes me feel, can you help? And the beloved masculine who cherishes his feminine will absolutely help without needing to be right. Okay, it's about really being attuned, attuned to the feeling of the feminine, and seeing if you can dial that up a little bit. And a good, healthy masculine certainly can. And look again, this isn't codependency, right? This is relationality. This is us saying, like, Hey, can we contribute to the happiness and well being of someone that we love? And the answer is absolutely yes, absolutely yes. The masculine can absolutely contribute to the health and well. Being the good feelings of the feminine. When, rather than focusing on right, rather than dismissing emotions and intuition as being irrational and wrong, they stay attuned to our emotions, they believe us, and they check in, hey, let me try this solution. How does that feel. What would you think if we tried this? Because when we're in our feelings, when we're going through the process, when there's a solution that sounds like it might work, we can let them know. Hey, you know what? Actually, yeah, I'd like to try that. Oh, that sounds like a good solution. Or no, that's not it. Yet. Keep trying to brainstorm with me. This dialog back and forth is sacred and profound between intimate partners. It's how you learn about each other. It's how you develop further trust with one another, that your partner always has your back, that no matter what the conflict is, there is a finish line and you're in it together, that one of you isn't going to be right, and then both of you are going to be wrong. This is the power of conflict. It's not that we need to shy away from it. It's that we need to learn how to stand in our power as we go through it. And for the feminine woman, your power is your feminine. And for the masculine man, your power is your masculine. Okay, so I hope that this has offered some structure of how both of you as masculine and feminine get to move this relationship forward. Now, if I can continue the metaphor, we can think of the feminine as the helms woman at the back of the ship, helping a course correct, and this is a sailboat in the metaphor, helping a course correct and make sure that the sails are filled that she's feeling nature and how the movement of the ocean is contributing to the direction and how the masculine at the prow of the ship is using all of its energy to cut through the water and make things happen. Now both parties, of course, are making things happen, and it is this feeling intuition. It is the feminine who makes sure that the course is beneficial for everyone, and it is the masculine who really puts things into action, creates solutions and direction. Each party has an incredible responsibility, and remember, every human has both masculine and feminine within them. So ladies, we can do this on our own, as long as our masculine is in service to our feminine and not dominating. We want to drop the masculine mask as much as possible. And gentlemen, with your masculine, you can also feel and have intuition, and your feminine will be in service to your masculine on the internal plane. But when it comes to relationships, we bring these energies out. We live them, we breathe them, and we make them what the relationship serves and upholds, so that we can make sure that both parties in relationship are always getting needs met, always feeling loved and connected, and that no one is right and that everyone is winning and free to be exactly who they are. As always, I look forward to hearing your feedback and communication on these podcasts. What else can I share with you? What else can I bring to life for you? What else can I illustrate for you? So don't forget to go to the hub, the satisfied woman.com there you can find ways, easy ways to download my free app, the satisfied woman app can be downloaded on Apple and Google. When you put that on your phone, you have access to my community of women who are all talking about greater satisfaction in their lives and how to achieve it. I have so many resources for you, and I'm so pleased to be having these conversations with you about femininity and how we can stand in our power as feminine women in this world. So thank you, as always, for listening, and I look forward to sharing more with you on the next podcast. You.
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