Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:00
PH, let's have a discussion and rewrite this script on what it means to be a leader and to have authority as a feminine woman. Feminine authority is not loud. It's clear true. Feminine leadership doesn't come from doing it all, proving yourself to anyone or overpowering. It comes from clarity, receptivity and alignment. This is the fourth in my mini series, the power back protocol, where I've been teaching you how to take your power back in your own life. If you missed the first three. In the first one, we talk about finding anywhere you're leaking your power and energy. The second teaches you to reclaim your sacred no which is how you build clear boundaries. And in the third episode, we dismantle the myth of doing it all, which is one of the reasons why so many women are exhausted and burnt out. And in this episode, I'm going to anchor you in your own feminine authority. Because really for us, authority doesn't mean force, it means clarity, and the woman who is clear is the woman who is free. Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast, I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya, this podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfiedwoman.com now make sure you head over there, because I've got lots of goodies for you, my dear podcast listener, there is a free feminine reset session. It's a series of three, either video or audio teachings that you can take with you on the go. I want you to have these because this is going to help you. To help you push the reset button on your own life. And if you've been suffering from exhaustion over giving burnout, all the things that modern day feminine women seem to have going on, then I definitely want to make sure that you get that reset. So head over to the satisfied woman.com and check it out. And it's there where you can also find my rooted membership, where women, just like you, are talking with each other and finding their own feminine rhythm and flow every day. And there's opportunities to work with me one on one, or even become a feminine coach yourself. So again, this is our fourth installment in the power back protocol, because as women, we are powerful, but our power means something a little different than it would for a masculine man. Traditionally, authority has been defined in masculine terms and in really hierarchical terms, where we see control or volume or dominance as authority. And anyone who's been around someone who's into this kind of model knows that there is always going to be someone who's less or someone who has lost their power as a result, that kind of model doesn't share authority. Now, of course, there is a healthy masculine model for authority that is leadership, guidance, strength, discipline, decision making, and if that's the kind of masculine authority you're surrounded by, we are all the better for it. But traditionally, in this patriarchal culture, it has been twisted. It has been distorted, and so that control, that idea of manipulation, holding on too tightly, or just being louder than everybody else, or having dominance over another, is typically what we associate with authority, but that's really not authority, and unfortunately, because that's what we've seen, that's what we value, and that's what has really become the norm in this culture, most people, including women, try to mimic this style in order to try to get their power Back in their life, they think that they have to be louder or tougher or busier to be taken seriously. And look, if you've tried that, don't fault yourself, because really, that's the only way this model has worked for such a long time. And it sucks to feel powerless. It sucks to feel like you're out of control, like you're not able to speak loud enough for people to hear you, or that you are being dominated. Nobody likes to be in that position, so we've defaulted to just trying those ill fitting qualities on in order to reclaim some power in our lives. But we're gonna. Do it differently, starting right now, because that old model of authority, it burns us out, and it really disconnects us from our true feminine essence, the things that make us powerful in our own way. And you know, one of the things I really talk a lot about in my book, The Way of the satisfied woman is that we need to start living life on our own terms, on the terms of a feminine woman, because those terms really were never treasured or written or modeled for us as we have grown up or as we've been living and it's time, which is why we're having these conversations, which is why I wrote the book, which is why I do the podcast, and which is why I have all sorts of reasons for resources for you. I don't want you to be burnt out anymore. I never want you to feel less than and I want you to have enough energy and authority in order to create your own sovereign and satisfied life and manifest your gifts in the best way possible. You have one life, and I want to help you make the most meaning possible out of it. So if that old model of authority doesn't work, what does what is feminine authority? How do we feel powerful in our own lives, even as we're still living in this patriarchal culture, right? The world isn't going to suddenly change, but what we can do is make headway in changing ourselves and the communities that we live in. We can start small, and I promise as you begin to take some of your own power back. You're going to feel more empowered, you're going to feel more energetic, and you're going to feel more able to manifest the greatest gifts that you possess in this lifetime that are yours. So feminine authority is rooted. That's why I named my membership rooted the membership. It's rooted in your yes and your No really, being anchored in your feminine intuition. Now I have several podcasts that talk about how to find your yes or no. The second in this mini series has it. If you haven't listened to podcast number 25 go get it, and if you haven't yet gotten my free feminine reset sessions on my website, you're going to learn that there too. This is one of the most fundamental, empowering and essential tools that I give to the women that I work with, whether it's through one on one coaching or my membership, you have got to understand your feminine yes or no, and it comes from your feminine intuition. One of your great superpowers as a woman is your intuition and also your emotional depth. If that's been numbed out, turned off, second guessed by yourself and others. It's not that it's not speaking or there. It's that we haven't had the practice in listening to it, but once we're anchored in our yes and no, that's how we create the ability to receive what is ours, and to create boundaries around all that is not ours, because ultimately, through our anchored yes And no, we then achieve clarity. So if rootedness is number one, fundamental basic for feminine authority, clarity is number two, the world is a lot to confuse us. I don't know if you've noticed that now, I remember growing up that there were a lot of things that I didn't question, lot of things that I think many women didn't question. And I remember the term gaslighting being passed around starting, I would say about maybe 10 or 15 years ago. Perhaps you remember it even further back, but it was about 10 or 15 years ago that I started really hearing it as a thing that impacts women. And it actually took me a while to really understand what gaslighting is. And if you don't know, or if you haven't had a good definition of it, gaslighting is what the world or other people do to you that make you question your own reality, where you have a true experience or recollection of something, or an inner knowing that something is right. You've witnessed something, you've seen something, you've gone through something, and then suddenly the world, or someone else, spins it on its head and says to you, know, it didn't happen that way. That's not what this is. You're blowing it out of proportion. You're overreacting. You're crazy. I'm so grateful

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 9:42
that we live in a time now that that kind of behavior is being seen as toxic and unacceptable, because for so long, that was just the way of the world, and so women have remained in a more confused state than. Because when we have an experience, when we know something in our bones, we've gone through something, and then everyone else says, No, it didn't happen like that. You can imagine how disorienting that is. When we don't have clarity, we have toxicity. Okay, I have another podcast that actually talks about how a lack of clarity in relationship is truly a toxic experience. If you can't get clarity around what's happening, if you can't get answers, you're automatically disempowered, because without clarity, you can't make good decisions for yourself. And an average adult human makes 35,000 decisions a day, and if you're not making good ones, you'll be continuing to stay in a disempowered over giving burnt out, confused state of mind. And that is one more way that we've just been made to be powerless in the past. So the rooting in our yes and no, the clarity that allows us to make aligned decisions without apology, are essential for feminine authority, receptivity. It's one of our great feminine gifts, is to receive, and I often compare it to a beautiful vessel. You can have a vessel. It can receive whatever it likes. Maybe it's a vase and it receives flowers. Maybe you imagine your vessel as a boat and it sails across oceans. Whatever kind of vessel is yours and your imaginative spirit that is your feminine receptivity, that vessel has to hold. If the if the boat has holes, it's going to sink. If that vase isn't solid, it's going to fall apart, and that bouquet won't be displayed. So you've got to have this strong, receptive vessel that's built on your yes or no and your clarity, so that you can receive what's yours and that you know you never have to chase or over prove yourself again. Feminine authority is magnetic. It draws to you what you need, whether that be support, opportunities, income, and I'm not talking about laws of Magical Thinking or manifesting some kind of crazy reality through the power of thoughts. Okay, I'm not saying that thinking good thoughts isn't helpful. Of course it is, but we're not going to magic our way through this. There's no law of attraction that can bring you what you need if you don't have your yes and no and clarity around it, and if you don't have the kind of energy that allows you to act when women are exhausted, we can't act. We can't give the world what we're here to give the world. We can't create what we're meant to create, the feminine power is creative, and whether that means pro creative in the form of children, or whether that means creating a new business for yourself, creating a new way of thinking, creating a community that thrives. Whatever you're meant to create. Those who create are the feminine, or they're in the feminine, you deny the world your gifts. When you're exhausted and you can't create, if your vessel isn't receptive, you'll draw what is aligned so that you have the energy to do what you need to do. And then when you've got this kind of foundation, when you've got the rootedness, the clarity, the receptivity you can then have presence. Now, queen, you know what I'm talking about, this embodied leadership, where you hold your seat of power even in silence, right? So I have a whole chapter in my book. It's chapter nine, about taking back your throne as the Queen of your sovereign world. We all occupy our little corner of the world. It doesn't belong to him. It doesn't belong to them. It needs to belong to us. Now I often think of the actual queen in this regard, Queen Elizabeth, and she has now since passed, but she held that throne for 70 years. This is a woman who was the monarch of a country the longest reigning monarch in history. She was kind, she was quiet, but she did not f around. She made clear decisions. She allowed herself the space to sit and be and breathe and have family, and she raised corgis and went to her summer house in Scotland. I mean, this was not a lady look. I'm certain she was busy, and I'm certain there were times in her life where, gosh, you know, maybe she could just lay down the. Alan, but she wasn't overworked, exhausted, burnt out like we are today. And I want us to pay attention to that, the legacy of that, because she sets a good example for us in terms of her ability to take her throne and imagine in your mind's eye right now, what your throne would look like, what that would feel like for you to have the kind of authority, power and presence. That doesn't mean you have to over explain everything. That means you don't have to say yes when you really just want to say no. That means you don't have to keep going and working and achieving and striving when all you need is just a break for a sec. Like, can we just all slow our roll for a minute? Like, let's just slow down. And it doesn't mean that you shut off or stop working. I want you to work. Girl, you got work to do, but you've got to do it with authority and with all of your energy and capacity, and most women these days are out of energy, we're drained and in some way incapacitated or authority less understand that feminine authority is felt. It doesn't need to shout. It simply holds. Now I want to honor all of the women who are shouting loud because things are unfair and things are unclear and they need to change. We need those voices, and I'm not here to silence them, but there is a place where authority is established that when we speak, we have cultivated a community that listens. So another concept I often bring up with my coaching clients or in my membership is we need to very heavily curate our lives in as much as we can. If we're shouting to the void and people aren't listening, if we have to shout to be heard at all, if we're silenced, those who silence us diminish our voice and don't listen, we need to really assess whether they get to be in our space at all, and whether we fire them out right, or whether we very carefully curate and limit our time with them. That's up to us, but you definitely have the power to do that, because you want people around you who keep you safe, who cherish your femininity, who honor your wishes and needs. That's how you're gonna anchor your authority in real life. So for example, in your intimate relationships, your clear boundaries, your feminine authority, is actually going to create deeper intimacy, because here's what happens if you don't anchor your yes and no, if you don't know them, or if you don't speak them, if you're not able to make clear decisions without apology or over explaining, what you're doing in your intimate relationships is self abandonment. You're betraying your femininity and your needs. And your femininity has needs, and for too long, they have been betrayed, and we have been trained to overlook them and diminish them and be subservient or submissive in all kinds of relationships and all kinds of insidious ways. It's time to stop. It's time to stop.

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 18:29
And if you find yourself in a relationship where your voice isn't heard, where your boundaries are over, ridden or rode rough, shot over or ignored completely, if you can't get enough clarity to even understand what your yes or no might be, because it's almost as if you're wading through a fog. Then be open to the idea that this relationship is not for you or needs to change. I work with many women in my coaching practice who are in the fog of this kind of distorted relationship where it's either intentional or unintentional, whether we call it outright abuse or just ignorance, a lack of knowing, a lack of understanding, or the fact that we've all been raised in the same culture with the same rules, and we're playing by those rules, And unless we learn differently, we may not know. I promise you, I see it over and over again. I've even seen it in myself that when we shift into our feminine power and authority, it creates the kind of vacuum and invitation for those around us to rise. They rise into it. They learn with us. They desire to cherish us, honor us and listen, because they are suddenly on notice that they haven't been doing that, and if they can't rise, if we give them the opportunity and they can't rise, that is also information that maybe they can't, aren't willing or were never meant to. So. In relationship, your feminine authority gives you clear boundaries, which actually creates deeper intimacy. When we are boundaried women, we create safety. This is how in intimate relationship, our partners know exactly what is okay with us and what is not. Now I understand. I understand. I understand a lot of partners won't honor those boundaries anyway. Okay? I understand what it means to be unsafe in relationship, and I wish safety for every woman listening. But also don't question yourself if the relationship is okay, if it's kind of working, you hope that he'll get better, start creating clearer boundaries and see if he rises, take your seat of authority, and if he is not threatened but excited, you might have something there in business and work. Authority comes from owning your vision and not over explaining. One of the things that you know, women like to talk. Maybe that's why I love doing podcasts. I've been podcasting, actually, since 2005 if you can believe it, women like to talk. We like to over explain. This is how we communicate, connect, commune with others, and that makes sense. But in the fog of confusion that we've all been living in, in that diminished capacity that we've all been suffering through, we have tended to try and over explain, to cut through that fog, to get our needs met, to be heard. Amazingly enough, it actually works in the opposite direction, and there is more power in saying less in being clear whether you're speaking to another feminine or whether you're speaking to the masculine, no matter who you're speaking to, if you can say it clearly and from your boundaries, from your clear yes and no, that is how you retain your authority in your business and work, without over explaining, without trying to be the loudest person in the room and play by their rules. That's where your authority comes from. I remember as a young woman, I was working for a very powerful woman in her field, and she was older, of course, she had risen up the ranks, and she was a master at her craft, and I was her assistant. I was very lucky to be her assistant. I was thrilled, and I loved learning from her. And I remember she had so much authority, even in a field that was male dominated, unbelievable. And I remember going into the office to work with her, and she was really the only woman in there, and she assigned me a task, and I had no idea how to do it. And I was a young woman. I was smart. I was in college at the time, and she said, Look, you know where you are now. I've just told you where we need to be in six weeks. You got point A, you got point B. Figure it out. And then she walked away. And I really hold that in my mind as an example of exactly this, that authority comes from owning your vision and not over explaining. Because she called me that day to rise, she didn't over explain Take, take away my ability to get it done. She wasn't loud or boisterous, she didn't command, she didn't demand, and she could have, she could have told me exactly how she wanted me to do it. Held my hand and made me feel incompetent, but this is what she said, and that is an incredible example of feminine authority. So then we got family, right? I'm kind of going through all of the relationships, well, not all, but most of the big relationships in our lives as women, and how feminine authority really helps us in those relationships, to create stronger bonds and to make meaning in our lives. That is that in a way that isn't exhausting. So with family, allow others to have their responsibility, it strengthens the whole system. And I see this so often with the women that I work with, they try to control. It's a way to have control. And I get it. You know, as a woman, we often feel out of control, because there are so many layers of dominance just built in over us, whether it be in our thinking and belief systems, whether it be in practical ways, in our household or our businesses. I get it. But this isn't the way to have control. This isn't where we have big wins, because what it does is it feeds into the system, and it just over exhausts us when we have to make all the grocery trips, plan all the dinners, do all the laundry, overthink for everyone else, over give over do. It lets all of them off the hook it gives them the message that we will just do it for them, and it empowers no one to rise into their best self. So with family, allowing them to pick up responsibility strengthens the whole system. Everyone feels like they're part of the. Family, everyone feels like they're contributing, and especially with masculine members of the family, one of the things that will truly shine them up and empower the most is that contribution, however they can contribute. So I have a rule that I I make many of the women that I work with follow, or promise to follow or try to follow, and you know it's cutting. It might blow your mind. The rule is we don't help men. If they're over the age of, let's say 10 or 11, we don't help them. We don't help them because as soon as we help men, it disempowers them. It makes them feel and believe that they are helpless. So we ask them to rise. We either just don't do it for them. We ask them to do it and then we stop talking, but we don't help them. We get into so much trouble when we do. So if that's mind blowing for you, then I would suggest you give it a try, or maybe, like, give it a soft entry and pick one man that you've decided that you're no longer gonna help. You know, I was in a, I guess, what we call these days, a financially abusive relationship, marriage, really, where he lost his job and then just never got a new one, and for 17 months, I busted my ass as a poor Baroque yoga teacher in New York City in order to try to make sure that we didn't get evicted from our apartment. Now it caused me to work really hard, and I built a really wonderful business, and so perhaps that result was good, but it also caused me to work so hard and burn myself out so much that my autoimmune disorder flared up so badly that I ended up losing my thyroid as a result. I helped him. I helped him. Long past help was warranted. Long past help was reasonable in some ways. I gave him permission to stay on the couch, and yes, I was scared. And I get it right. I named the story because my fellow sister, I've been there. I wrote this book because I've been there. I get it. I know. I know how this world wasn't built for us, what the expectations are, what the assumptions are, and I know that all of us have just had improper training, right? Even we as women, we notice that we're so tired and overworked and that no one is helping us, but we don't necessarily know how to fix it, which is why I literally wrote the book. I literally wrote the playbook so we can all start questioning what's happening in our lives, what doesn't work for us anymore. Change the patterns that need to be changed, because ultimately, we can exert our precious and amazing feminine authority in real life, in our relationships, in our business and work, in our family, but the first place we need to assert it is with ourself where we take back power authority over our time, our energy and our nervous system, because women are embodied. Women feel.

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 28:17
Men think their superpower is logic and reason. Women feel we are intuitive. That's how we know in our bones whether something is good or not, and sure we can employ logic and reason to get it done. But if we employ logic and reason without abiding by our intuitive yes or no, we are betraying ourselves. If we continue to give away our time and exhaust ourselves further, we are betraying ourselves. If we get into these distorted or toxic patterns or relationships or careers or family systems, then we dysregulate our nervous system, which causes higher stress, breaks down the body, and we call that normal. We think we're supposed to feel that way. I promise you, we're not. So let's become the masters of ourselves first really reconnecting with our intuition and our emotions, because the moment we honor our embodied yes and no and never betray that again, is the moment we say yes to our own authority and begin the path of walking a satisfied life and the way of the satisfied woman. So I know this feels like a lot I do, and it is a lot, and you know, we're already doing so much emotional labor, right? I get it, that's that, that's that is the way of the woman. We are the emotional regulators of our spaces and relationships, but let's start with us for a moment. And let's take an authority pause before responding to anything, and just ask, Is this mine? Is this mine to do? Is this mine to hold? Is this my decision? And move from there. Because when you hold your feminine authority, just like the queen, others rise around you. I used to love watching her birthday celebrations, where she just sat there in her beautiful little outfits, and the whole of the UK, not just the army, but the military forces paraded themselves in front of her. It's magical. And she just sat there and received that, and they did that in order to honor her and serve her, and it was their privilege to do so, and boy, did they shine their shoes and brush their horses, and they showed up. That is an image to hold. Now, you know, I like the I just like the legacy of it. I like the mythology of it. I like the image in my mind of us in that space. And it's not power over others, it's power with us, and our authority also gives them authority too. Your clarity liberates those connected to you when you can clearly say exactly what you want need, they no longer guess, and they can just give it to you. And if they can't, then you know, authority, rooted in your femininity, has the power to shift culture. It means none of us will be living as martyrs anymore. None of us over functions anymore. We stop the cycle of burnout, and there's no more silence. There's no more silence. Our voice becomes heard, not because it's louder, because it's clear. So let's get clear. This is how we take our power back. We want to take our power back. We want to plug those leaks, reclaim the sacred No, release what is no longer ours and anchor our authority and take our sovereign seat as the Queen in our own world. So it's been my power, my authority by the power and authority vested in me, and it's been my privilege to bring this to you as it always is in this podcast. And all the work that I do, I hope that you can feel and hear that I feel a real, true sense of urgency is one word, but also importance around getting this message and this work out there. So thank you for listening and for being a part of this movement. This is a movement and women who are choosing what works for them. And if you want ongoing support, please join me in my rooted membership, where I help you to establish a feminine flow every day with powerful prompts that connect you to your femininity, along with additional drops of content, live broadcasts, Hot Seat coaching, we have a good time in rooted so come join and if you want more than that, take a look at working with me, one on one, coaching and again, going to the satisfied woman.com up in the nav bar, you'll see a work with me. Drop down. You can actually just book a call. Let's chat. Let's talk about what you're holding you no longer need to. Let's talk about where your authority is leaking, and let's talk about how you can get your power back. Because remember, the most powerful women in the room are not the loudest, they're the clearest, and clarity is what we came here to reclaim.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai