Unknown Speaker 0:00
PH, welcome to episode three in my little mini series, the power back protocol, as in, I'm gonna help you take some of your feminine power back in this series. Now, since this is episode three, if you missed one and two, make sure you go back and check them out. Episode one talks about finding the leak, as in where you are leaking power, where you should still be retaining it. And episode two talks about reclaiming your sacred no which is how you become boundaried enough to not give yourself away and actually receive all of the goodness that you deserve. This episode, we're gonna cover the myth of doing it all, because women have been taught, trained and culturated to believe that the more we give ourselves away, the more valuable we are. We're going to dismantle the cultural lie in this episode that talks about how you need to do it all to be worthy, because that is just not true. You'll learn to stop over functioning and choose what's truly yours to hold and drop the rest. We're going to create some space for your feminine power to thrive.

Unknown Speaker 1:18
Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya, this podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Make sure you visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com

Unknown Speaker 1:45
when you head over there. I have a special gift for you podcast listeners. It's my three session feminine reset series. It's going to train you to push the reset button, call back your feminine power, and I promise you, at the end of this series, you're going to feel so much better, less tired, less exhausted, less burnt out. And since 80% of women report feeling burnt out, I know that you're going to benefit from this. So make sure you head over to the satisfiedwoman.com right at the top in the nav you'll find that free reset series, plus some other fun ways to work with me, like my monthly membership rooted where I give you daily prompts, weekly additional content drops and extra support with live broadcasts to help you stay in your feminine rhythm. This is where women are starting and continuing the conversation on their journey towards satisfaction. Plus, I offer one on one coaching to women who are ready to completely transform their lives, whether it be their relationships or their business. So you can find that all at the satisfiedwoman.com

Unknown Speaker 2:53
All right now, let's just overtly and explicitly say one of the most dangerous lies that women have been sold, which is that doing it all is somehow a badge of honor.

Unknown Speaker 3:09
The truth is that doing it all isn't a flex. It's not a strength, it's not a core value. Instead, it's actually a fast track to burnout and really the end of your joy, it leaves you with no additional capacity to experience the things that bring you pleasure. When you're giving it all away, when you're giving yourself away, when you're doing it all trying to fit in, be deemed worthy or valuable, you are left with nothing for yourself. And interestingly, that actually puts those around you and a detriment as well. And we'll talk about why that is people. Actually everyone does not benefit. When women give themselves away. There needs to be a certain amount of reciprocity. And ladies, I know you're listening, so listen close. Our gift is not in giving, but in receiving. And I know that that's a major mindset shift for most of us, because receiving, we've been told is selfish. We've been told we're not worth the receiving. We've been told we don't deserve it, and all of that is a really toxic BS, as in belief system. We've been caught in this crazy patriarchal trap of the Superwoman, which glorifies endless productivity and self sacrifice, where we're told we have to give 150%

Unknown Speaker 4:39
of ourselves to our career and work like we don't have a home life or a family, and then show up at our home life with our family and give 150%

Unknown Speaker 4:49
of ourselves to that, and act as if we don't also have a career or a life to ourselves. I work with many women in my one on one coaching practice.

Unknown Speaker 5:00
Us, and they are waking up. They are waking up and realizing that 20 years in,

Unknown Speaker 5:08
they don't remember who they are. They've been known by their career title, by the title of mom, by the title of Mrs. Somebody else, and they've forgotten who they are, what they value, what they desire, what they feel pleasure in doing, and we've it's nobody's fault. This is simply cultural conditioning. We've all been raised with this. We're all a part of it. We're all somehow either affirming it or just, you know, not even realizing that it exists. And part of the work that I do in this podcast, in my book, The Way of the satisfied woman in my coaching practice, in my membership, is helping women to unpack some of the things that either they've felt uncomfortable and not known why or really never questioned. So I wonder if you have questioned how this trap of over giving this super woman idea that makes you more valuable is really serving you, if you've never questioned it, today's the day. Now is the time I actually remember a really popular book coming out. Let's say it was about 10 years ago, and

Unknown Speaker 6:20
it was written by a very high powered woman in a CEO role at a very big company. And in this book, she advocated for this over giving. She claimed her power as the woman who could have a home life, raise the kids, get the nannies, make the CEO cut, get the job, make all the money, earn more than her husband, do it all, and, and, and, and by the end of this book, the women I know who read it, not only did they feel exhausted, but they just felt like, wow, they will never measure up.

Unknown Speaker 6:56
And what I'd like to offer is that those are not the measurements that we need to live by. Those are not the values that are ours to claim. Someone has written that for us and put that on us, and we need to stop this conditioning comes from our family, from the media, from the workplace. I know ingrained in many family structures is the idea that the woman runs the household and she just does it all. She continues to do the laundry for the children who are grown enough and capable of doing it themselves. She continues to plan all the meals, do all the shopping trips, organize everyone's calendars and schedules for people in her household that are capable of either at least helping her or doing it for themselves.

Unknown Speaker 7:38
That over giving and over functioning in that context disempowers everyone else from their own accountability and responsibility. And if you've got people in your household who are over the age of about 10 or 12, I mean it, yeah, 10 or 12, a 10 or 12 year old can handle their laundry. I know you're thinking, No, they can't. They'll screw it up, maybe, but they'll learn they can handle making snacks. Well, they'll just eat sugar, maybe, but they'll figure it out

Unknown Speaker 8:07
the role of others in the household is to also participate, and this extends not just to family. And again, there's no one to blame. We're all subject to this improper training of a culture that wasn't built for us or by us, but still asks us to live in it. So we're starting to turn those tables. Women are waking up to this. We're looking at how the media portrays women. You know, I still I love my shows. I do as a mythologist, you know, I love stories, and

Unknown Speaker 8:40
when I watch shows that still glorify a woman's beauty over her brains, I cringe when I see shows where the mom is still bending her entire will and schedule to four soccer practices a week. I cringe

Unknown Speaker 8:58
when the compliments given to women in shows is all about her looks instead of her abilities. I cringe, you know? I mean, there's just like, look. You know, we are more than what society tells us we are. And I know that, we know that, right? I know that, if you're listening, you know that. And I was raised in the 80s and definitely with the narrative that women can do it all, but what I want us to understand is that we don't have to. We actually only have to do what we want.

Unknown Speaker 9:29
And I've been in the workplace where the narrative is, you know, you have to work harder than everyone else. I was in an industry for 20 years that was dominated by women and where women still got paid less. I remember when I moved to New York City as a yoga teacher,

Unknown Speaker 9:49
and I was hired by, at the time, the largest Yoga Studio in the country. Okay, it was a big, popular place, and they.

Unknown Speaker 10:00
Said to me, Alanna, how much do you charge for your classes? And I named my price.

Unknown Speaker 10:06
And then I heard what the men were being paid,

Unknown Speaker 10:09
and they were being paid more.

Unknown Speaker 10:13
I mean,

Unknown Speaker 10:16
it's astonishing, okay, it's astonishing. It's getting better.

Unknown Speaker 10:21
It's getting better, and I will apologize in advance for the fact that we as women still have to do so much of the work to alert people to these discrepancies, to create the change, to shout from the rooftops, to continue to do some emotional labor while we help others realize that this isn't working for us. It's still a lot on us that at least we have avenues, at least we have some receptivity, at least we have inroads, and at least we have more power, agency and choice than we have ever had before. Okay, so the work isn't done, but let's realize what's ours and what's not, because one of the things that this doing it all identity does is it doesn't leave room for our own identity. It doesn't leave room for us, for what we need.

Unknown Speaker 11:10
Like here's an example. How many of you have been applauded for your exhaustion? Wow. I can't believe you can get so much done. I can't believe you can do it all. You are just a powerhouse. Oh my gosh, you the way that you run your family, the way you run your business, it's amazing. And Little do they know all that you're giving up

Unknown Speaker 11:35
because the cost of over functioning, really, is burnout. It's adrenal fatigue, it's nervous system dysregulation, it's chronic stress. And so many women these days call those states normal. We think this is how we're supposed to feel, and it's not. This is yet another way that our culture diminishes women. Diminishes the feminine. If we're tired, we can't speak up. We don't have the energy for that. You know, I absolutely hope that you have all heard of and are members of the we do not care club. I applaud the founder, Melanie, for establishing this very simple club where she simply makes announcements of all of the things that women who have realized how tired they are just do not care about anymore. We do not care that we are putting on sweatpants in the morning that we will wear today and tonight and maybe even tomorrow. We just do not care

Unknown Speaker 12:34
she's shedding light on the fact that women are realizing how exhausted we've been, and in this exhaustion, we are not allowed to have our power, and that is a great advantage to those who want to have power over us.

Unknown Speaker 12:51
If we're exhausted because we're over functioning, we are numb to feeling what we want to feel. We don't have the capacity for joy, and it simply turns into resentment for all of the things that we are over giving to, and that diminishes and destroys relationships that we actually may want to preserve and uphold

Unknown Speaker 13:15
in our relationships, we are disconnected from ourselves, from our needs. If you have ever compromised your own need in a relationship, you know what I'm talking about,

Unknown Speaker 13:26
it doesn't allow for full intimacy. When you're over giving and tending to the needs of others and never bringing up your own, they don't know who you are. That's shallow. It's inauthentic, and it puts you in the role of caretaker, scheduler, organizer, mother, as opposed to your given role, which should be the cherished feminine partner.

Unknown Speaker 13:58
If you over exhausted and over giving, there's no room for your own spiritual and divine connection from that which you hold dear, from your feminine essence, you can't access your intuition, because this kind of over giving creates overthinking, causes you to second guess yourself. There's no capacity for creativity, because you cannot tap into your creativity when you are exhausted and under stress, I promise you, one of the gifts of the feminine is creativity, but you've got to be in a receptive, relaxed mode in order to access it authentically. And you know, as well as I do that creativity cannot be forced. There

Unknown Speaker 14:37
will be no capacity for desire, because there's no space for it when you're doing it all, you can't hear yourself think, let alone feel.

Unknown Speaker 14:50
And as a feminine woman, you are a feeling being. As a feminine woman, your greatest superpowers are your intuition and your emotions.

Unknown Speaker 15:00
Emotional depth, your embodiment, which requires you to feel because feminine leadership is about what's is about holding what's yours, not what's everyone else's.

Unknown Speaker 15:15
And in fact, when you drop what is not yours and let them pick it up, is empowering to them.

Unknown Speaker 15:23
I notice with many of my coaching clients that those who have gotten into this cycle of over functioning in such a locked in way that it's their default, they think it's normal. They think that exhaustion is normal, bad sleep patterns are normal, the chronic stress is normal. They don't even question it. They believe that if they don't do all of the household chores, they won't get done, if they don't balance all the books, they won't get done, if they don't schedule all the things, it won't get done. And the reality is, is that that might be true for a while. Okay, it might be true for a while, but what's the harm in that

Unknown Speaker 15:56
you train everyone else to not be empowered when you're doing it for them? And what that ends up being is actually a form of control. For you,

Unknown Speaker 16:06
when you're doing all the laundry, you're controlling the laundry. When you're doing all the books or the schedules or the pickups, you're controlling that. And for some of us, women, that might feel like the only bit of control we have over our lives. But what I would challenge you, and I know that it can be scary, is to drop that control, let others help you so that what you can control is your most sacred gifts, your agency, your choice, your freedom, your voice reclaiming Your feminine power, your needs, your receptivity, your abundance, all of that is yours.

Unknown Speaker 16:47
So we need to turn on the power of discernment.

Unknown Speaker 16:52
Discernment is knowing what's going to lean help you lean toward the light, and what's going to take you away from it. And this is, I've always loved, this description of discernment, okay, it actually comes to me from the mythologist Joseph Campbell, who loved the Arthurian legends. And there's this concept he illustrates from the Arthurian legend of Parzival, which is a beautiful legend, by the way, but there's a line in it that talks about this, that every decision we as humans make, and here's an astonishing fact, an adult human, from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed, will have to make about 35,000

Unknown Speaker 17:33
decisions per day.

Unknown Speaker 17:36
It's a lot of deciding. No wonder, those of us picking up all the slack. Have what we call decision fatigue, nervous system burnout. We have brain fog. We can't think through an entire sentence. Okay? I mean, you think about these things, and it's not surprising, like, no wonder, right? No wonder. So all these decisions, all these decisions, have consequences,

Unknown Speaker 18:00
and all you have to decide is whether this decision is going to help you lean towards your light or if you'd like a different phrase. Lean towards your femininity, lean towards your peace, lean towards your highest good or away.

Unknown Speaker 18:15
And it's a personal thing. What will help you lean towards the light might be different for someone else. So there's no universal decision making here. I rejected that idea a long time ago.

Unknown Speaker 18:29
So discernment is your ability to know what's going to help you retain your energy, retain your receptivity, retain your feminine light, and what's going to expend it or waste it, or what's going to cost you your light. So what you want to do is have that discernment and that clarity that if something is going to add to your energy, help you with leaning towards your light, then that's your Yes. And if it's going to waste it, drain you or exhaust you further. We're just not going to do that anymore. We're just not picking that up anymore, because when we stop doing everything for everyone else, they're going to help. And that is receptivity. It is empowering to others. So let's talk about it as energetic middle minimalism.

Unknown Speaker 19:20
You're clearing your plate to expand your energy and to call in the uplifting support of others. So ways to do that is to start delegating things that you know need to be done. It's now just theirs that's delegating. The trick is, listener, my dear sister, and that if you delegate and they don't pick it up right away, you cannot pick it back up. That's a boundary. Once it's delegated, it is no longer yours. If they don't pick it up, then it's just not something that we do anymore,

Unknown Speaker 19:58
or they suffer the consequences of not.

Unknown Speaker 20:00
Picking that up. There are worse things. Collaboration is another way to exercise energetic minimalism, getting help. Now, these super woman ideals often

Unknown Speaker 20:15
make you think you're going to be weak for asking for help, but you're not. It is we have a long evolutionary history as feminine women of utilizing collaboration as a strategy to actually get more done and in a better, more streamlined way. So it's a utilization of a feminine superpower to collaborate.

Unknown Speaker 20:35
And here's a tough one, saying yes only to aligned priorities, only to that which uplifts you and adds to your energy, adds to your light. If it drains you, we're leaving it behind.

Unknown Speaker 20:50
Now I know that there's a lot that goes into us. I know that there's so much that you do every day, and I know the fear of dropping what's not yours. I understand, I promise you that that fear will be temporary, and your nervous system will thank you. You've probably lived for a long time in a state of nervous system dysregulation, thinking that burnout and tired is your is your normal, and that once you put those things down, it just won't get done, or you will be blamed

Unknown Speaker 21:23
live through that quake, because what's on the other side is greater energetic capacity and freedom. So what I would suggest to you is stepping out of that do it all trap, and let's start with an audit of what's yours and what's not,

Unknown Speaker 21:46
and also maybe an identity that you have outgrown that's not yours, or a role you've outgrown that's not yours, or an expectation of others that was never yours in the first place.

Unknown Speaker 22:01
So you know,

Unknown Speaker 22:03
I had a conversation with someone recently where I made a decision, and they expressed a lot of stress over my decision,

Unknown Speaker 22:14
and I realized in that moment, in that conversation, that their stress was their own, and

Unknown Speaker 22:20
that I didn't need to change my decision in order to comfort them.

Unknown Speaker 22:25
Their comfort is not your responsibility.

Unknown Speaker 22:30
It's on them.

Unknown Speaker 22:33
And for them to be able to self regulate a little bit is also a gift. It will lighten your emotional labor load. So allowing them to self regulate making your clear decisions, maybe you have played mom for well past the expiration date of that particular coveted title. And I'm not saying that you suddenly stop being a parent or a mother. Of course you do, but in terms of doing everything for them, in terms of Never Letting them pick up their own identity, their own responsibilities, their own accountability. Maybe you've held the identity of overachiever for far too long, the one who gets it all done. Why does it need to get all done?

Unknown Speaker 23:18
So start questioning because another fantastic quality of the feminine is seeking the truth. And whether that be a universal truth or your own personal truth, you, as a woman, will seek it.

Unknown Speaker 23:32
You will seek it.

Unknown Speaker 23:34
And when you question even things that you do every day, you'll know whether it's true for you, whether it's yours, or whether it's not.

Unknown Speaker 23:45
And what can happen with this is that you start to replace that martyrdom energy which serves no one and depletes you, with magnetism. You draw in energy when you are rooted in your feminine power. You attract the support you need from qualified individuals, you may realize that some of the people around you have not been qualified, and they will either step up and rise into that receptive vacuum you create, or they'll fall away.

Unknown Speaker 24:15
Now I've talked a lot about receptivity in past podcasts. If you haven't listened to podcast 25 yet? Please do. That's the one, and then there will be others that suggest it. I think I even spoke about it in the last podcast. But to be receptive as the feminine woman that you are means to call in what you need. Femininity does not chase. It doesn't give away. It doesn't deplete, it doesn't compromise oneself. You will only have a vessel that can hold your joy, when you hold your boundaries, when you don't pick up what's not yours, when you leave behind things that were never yours in the first place. So practice Pausing first before you initiate that, yes, which has become your default. Remember, you.

Unknown Speaker 25:00
And the phrase of the feminine is actually no,

Unknown Speaker 25:04
and ask yourself, Is this mine to hold to simple pause, because you've been so indoctrinated into yeses when you really mean No, or even maybe, that we need to train ourselves out of that no is the default. Ask, Is this mine? And then if it is, maybe we say yes to it. Because truthfully, my dear sister, you are not here to do it all. You're here to do what's yours fully and beautifully, because you have the energetic capacity for that and the support you need to do that.

Unknown Speaker 25:40
So this has been episode three. We've got one more in this mini series, which is all about feminine authority and feminine leadership, which isn't loud or boisterous, it's clear. And if you've been craving clarity in your life and in your relationships, this episode is going to do it for you. So until next time, make sure that you come over and visit at the satisfied woman.com check out the rooted membership, where we get daily practices to step out of over functioning and call into your aligned power. Rooted is your space, and I'm there supporting you through your feminine rhythm and reclaiming your path towards sovereignty and satisfaction. And if you ever want to connect with me directly over at the satisfied woman.com right in the nav bar is a link to book a call with me. I'd love to talk to you about what you're carrying that is no longer yours, and help you put that down. So if you want some clarity, let's talk in whatever way you participate in this movement with me. I continue to be incredibly grateful. Let's hold the vision of women being satisfied and sovereign everywhere, calling in the receptivity that they deserve, and only doing what is exactly theirs to do, and holding what is theirs to hold until next time sacred sister stay satisfied. You.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai