Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:00
PH, 80% of women report feeling burnt out. So chances are, if you're listening to this podcast, it's probably including you. Four out of five of us sisters are feeling this sense of constant burnout and stress, and it's time to stop, even if we're doing the work, like therapy, journaling, coaching, whatever. It's probably likely that we're still feeling completely tapped at the end of the day. If you want to know why and how to resolve it, keep listening. Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfiedwoman.com or read the book The Way of the satisfied woman. Now for you podcast listeners, I have a new free offering for you at my website, the satisfied woman.com it's the feminine reset series, and it's a series of three sessions recorded with audio or video so you can either watch them or take them on the go in order to help you address this exact problem that I'm talking about today. In fact, I'll be spending the next series of podcasts talking about recovery protocol for over giving. I'm finding more and more with the women that I speak to that over giving is truly at the heart of why we're feeling so burnt out and drained and exhausted, and it's got to stop. So head to the satisfied woman.com get your feminine reset series start there, and I'll see you on the inside of that. For now, I want to talk about the burnout that no one talks about, that kind of soul level exhaustion that lingers even after you do the work. And really, ladies, I know we're doing the work, we're going to therapy, we're reading the books, we're taking the courses, we're journaling, we're trying as hard as we can to relieve ourselves of this burnout, and yet it stays. And there's good reason for that, and don't worry, there's also a way through the reason that the burnout doesn't go away is that we live a different kind of life now than we were evolutionarily ever supposed to. So let's talk about low grade, constantly applied stress for a minute. Normally, a stress response is totally fine, and it was designed because back in the day, like, I mean, really back in the day, the most stressful events were sudden events, suddenly being chased by a bear, suddenly being attacked by a panther or a neighboring tribe they were never meant to sustain for long periods of time. When we have a sudden stress response like the bearer is coming upon us, our body goes into a fight or flight mode. Certain hormones spike, cortisol spikes, adrenaline spikes, and that turns on different systems in the body in order to either get us to move quickly and run or to freeze and stay still. There is even a certain stress response around starvation that creates the body's ability to slow itself down a little bit, to shut down in order to survive, and it helps us pack on the pounds so that we can survive a harsh winter, if necessary. That's really the only types of stress that our body was designed to withstand. What it was never designed to withstand is what occurs nowadays, which is the constantly applied low grade stress that constant application, that voice inside you that says I don't know if I'm going to have enough money for rent at the end of the month. I don't feel entirely safe in my relationship, my job is stressful because they're constantly overworking me. There's a societal expectation that I consistently fulfill the demands that are being placed on me by the culture. These are new things, and our physical bodies haven't evolved to catch up, but honestly, I would say they probably shouldn't. I think we need to change the way we're living and change the culture around us so that this chronically applied low grade stress becomes a thing of the past. What's real is we need to have time to actually nourish ourselves. For the feminine woman, under this constantly applied low grade stress that is really just a part of our everyday life, especially as women in this culture, you. Especially with the constant demands being placed on us, especially with the expectation that we are going to do nothing but give ourselves away at every turn, that's got to change. We were never designed for this, and the feminine woman was especially never designed for this, because our femininity is rooted in receptivity, is rooted in our ability to receive the generosity of whatever life brings us now that that doesn't mean that we get to just relax on our chaise lounge all day and eat bonbons, although, yes, I also love that idea for us too. It means that we reserve our energy in order for us to apply it where it is most beneficial, not just for us but for everyone else. The feminine is not the overdoer. The feminine is not the over giver. In fact, it's been a cultural lie, really, that says that as women, our job is to just give and give and give and give ourselves away. We're compromising ourselves in our relationships. We're putting our needs last in our families. We're giving ourselves away for

Unknown Speaker 6:13
free in our careers, never having that

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 6:18
return that's necessary and shows us that we're valued, is a constantly applied low grade stress, and one of the problems that's occurring and one of the reasons why we don't actually feel better after we do the work, after we do months of therapy, after we read The self help books, after we take the online course, after we do the journaling prompts, is because we're still going back to the life that applies that constantly low grade stress if we don't shift the pattern, not just around us in our life, but in our body, that doesn't go away. So what happens in this constantly applied low grade stress based on these cultural expectations, is we're setting up our nervous system for dysregulation, and nervous system dysregulation is real. That's where the cortisol spikes and consistently is applied. So it becomes difficult to lose weight. We feel tired all the time. Those are the physical symptoms people report of burnout, and there's a really good biological reason for why they happen.

Unknown Speaker 7:30
We've got to release

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 7:31
the dysregulation. We have to turn off that low grade stress. And what's great news, ladies, is when the feminine is at her best. This is what she's doing. She knows she doesn't need to earn her rest. She knows that rest is not just a birthright, but a requirement for her to stay at her best. She understands that the role of the feminine isn't over giving, but rather in receiving, receiving help, receiving support, receiving abundance, receiving nourishment, so that she can use her energy in the most effective way possible, which really, if we're going to get theoretical about it, the most effective use of the feminine woman's energy is in creativity, all creative pursuits Now, certainly, that biological pursuit of having a baby that is probably the most obvious creative energy that a woman who harnesses life force can apply. I mean, think about it, you're effectively growing something from almost nothing with your own body. There's nothing more creative than that, but there are a lot of ways that women are being creative, and we have ways to stretch our creativity in this culture, and we need to apply that, because in our creativity, our femininity is nourished. We don't over give we don't give ourself away, we don't overthink. We actually use our femininity in its highest capacity.

Unknown Speaker 9:03
The other issue

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 9:04
with the work that we do in terms of therapy, in terms of the coaching, the journaling, the courses, is it was built and designed from within the culture that is actually detrimental to us. So I think about talk therapy. And for those of you that have been following me for a while. You know, I have a PhD in psychology and mythology, so I'm very familiar with psychology, psychological principles, how therapy works, counseling and when it's just one on one in a vacuum setting, you can talk about your problems all day long, but if you're going home to those problems, very little is going to change if you don't change the circumstances, if you don't change the situation, if you don't take ownership of your own needs, if you can't set boundaries, if you don't prioritize rest, that stress never goes away and the nervous system dysregulation stays. Nervous System dysregulation is essentially like, like, similar to a PTSD response. Now I know many women who have chronic PTSD who, by nature of their very challenging childhoods, have a dysregulated nervous system that never got a chance to actually rest and restore. Talk therapy will address the mind. Journaling can address the mind. Some of our online courses address the mind. A lot of them do it in a vacuum, in isolation, which is also not helpful for the feminine woman. The feminine woman heals in CO regulation. The feminine woman heals in connection to others, not by herself. The feminine woman needs communion, community, connection, compassion, in order to feel that sense of regulation in the nervous system. Now it's also not going to happen overnight. It takes time, especially if you've been living for a lifetime, either on the edge of burnout, in full burnout, or in full dysregulation. Those states, those states where you are actually at a detriment, where you are overtired, where you are at risk of developing illnesses or inflammatory diseases those states, for many women, especially the ones who are in a long term burnout cycle, those feel normal to us. They feel normal like, oh yeah, this is, you know, I just wake up tired, doesn't everybody? I am exhausted by the end of the day and have no energy, even for my own self care at night, I am I feel this tension that comes up every time someone asks something more of me that is, doesn't everybody feel that way? And the answer is no boundaried women who prioritize rest and their own needs can regulate their nervous system and find out that the life that they were living doesn't deserve to be lived in burnout. The burnout will simply return if you don't address both the internal the nervous system situation, or the external, the people around you to get yourself the support you need in order to feel that sense of self care. Rest. Because, look, your nervous system isn't broken. It is possible to heal it. It's just over functioning in a survival mode right now that you got to get out of right? People pleasing is survival, controlling your situation is survival, caretaking others is survival. Endless. Performing is survival. When you're people pleasing, you're trying to you're trying to stay in a state of belonging. People pleasing means I don't want to be abandoned. You over give because you feel like the more you give, the more needed you'll be. And you don't want to be abandoned for women, especially if you think, I mean, if you think tribally, if you think historically in our great human history, yes, I don't doubt that women are badasses and also warriors, and can hunt and gather and do everything absolutely, but historically, our role required us to belong in order to be taken care of. That's still wired into our genetic makeup. It's still there. We try to belong in order to be protected. And for us nowadays, that belonging comes through performance. How pleasing can I be to someone else? How necessary can I make myself to them? How can I control the situation so that I am essential and not abandoned, and while on some level, that might give us a part of the result we're looking for, which is to belong, it's not true belonging, because we're giving ourselves away. We're exhausting ourselves, we're compromising ourselves, and we are not healing. So if we're going to stop this over giving. If we're going to embark on a recovery protocol, then we need to really center and prioritize feminine needs,

Speaker 1 14:30
nourishment, ritual, support, connection.

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 14:40
This is why I created the feminine reset for you that I spoke about at the beginning of this podcast. It's a series of three audio or video sessions that you can take with you on the go. I know your life is busy, but they're designed to give you the insight you need to stop over performing, to stop over giving, and to start coming. Back to yourself, because our nervous system does belong. Our nervous system needs to be at ease. We actually will perform at our best when we are being taken care of, when we are getting our needs met. So number one, there's an internal nervous system reset that needs to happen. And number two, there's an external conditional reset that needs to happen in order for us to move past burnout. Now my friend, my dear sister, I'm going to tell you what these things are, and I know they are going to sound like giant mountains to overcome. I hear you. I feel you. I understand. But let's start here. Let's start with a self awareness of what the challenges are, so that we can start to alleviate them, and whether we alleviate them together, through my work at the satisfied woman.com whether you do it on your own, that self awareness is a first step. So number one, the internal awareness of your nervous system, the way that you can start to reset it is and I know that this is going to sound cliche, but truly prioritizing self care. Now I'm not going to tell you what the self care is. I write about this in my book. For each of us, there will be something that makes us release and relax. For some of us, it is a warm bath with Epsom salts and candles lit. For others, they're gonna be like, That's That sounds terrible. For some of us, it's going to the beach. For some of us, it's walking in the mountains. For some of us, it is an after work Shavasana. Now I'm a recovering yoga teacher. Shavasana is that corpse pose that you do at the end of a yoga class where you just lay down and be still for 10 minutes. I highly recommend this post work, shavasana, literally go lay in bed, come home from work, take off your shoes, lay in bed, set a timer for 10 minutes, put an eye pillow over your eyes and just lay there. Desensitize yourself from the world for 10 minutes, and your body and your nervous system will thank you. For some of us, self care is a massage. For some of us, self care is running around the house naked, listening to music, there will be something for you that when you are doing it, your brain checks out of the world and the busyness of the world, your brain stops thinking about other people's needs. Your brain says, You know what, I'm just going to be here for a moment,

Unknown Speaker 17:29
and you become embodied.

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 17:32
For most women, burnout is a disembodied state. They stop being able to feel things, and I mean that literally, their fingers will go numb. They will no longer feel where they are in space. Their sense of proprioception will be off. They will forget to eat. They will forget to take care of themselves. They will forget where they put their glasses. That's not just brain fog, ladies, that's your burnout talking. Okay, so prioritizing self care is for sure on the list. Creating boundaries is for sure on the list. Now, I've talked a lot about boundaries in previous podcasts for the feminine woman, boundaries are your clear yes and no. Okay, there's a podcast that specifically gives you your clear yes and no. If you can't find it. Go get the feminine reset series. It's in there. I give you an embodied protocol to get your clear yes and no. One of the challenges of burnout and over giving in our culture

Unknown Speaker 18:33
is that women are taught

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 18:35
to just always say yes. Yes is not the phrase of the feminine. In fact, no is the phrase of the feminine. We say no more often, till we find that yes and issue it with gusto. But no is the line that we hold. No is how we build our container of receptivity. So I often think about it in terms of the shape of a bowl. Okay? Our receptivity, our feminine receptivity, is a bowl, and every time you say yes, when you mean no, you're poking a hole in that bowl and it cannot contain your energy. Your energy will simply drain and seep out of you. Every time you issue a no and mean no, your container is solid when you say yes, and mean yes, your container is solid when you say yes or no and mean the other thing, you're draining your energy. You're giving it away. And when women don't have the energy they need, they cannot bring that creative force into the world. I mean, it stress for women, imbalances our hormones. It imbalances our brains. It does for men too, but women are more sensitive with their hormonal calibration, and it affects us on every single level. So we cannot live with this concept. Applied stress, we cannot okay so self care boundaries. Boundaries are simply your clear yes and no and issuing them putting your needs first, and I mean that, not before your families, not before your friends, not before your relationship, putting your needs first and and I'll take a breath there, because I know how difficult that is. There is so much expectation placed on women to put their needs last. Everyone loses when that happens. So I told you that the recovery protocol for burnout includes internal self care, boundaries and external elements. Now, we like to think in our modern self help age that we can just fix everything ourselves and we cannot, once again, evolutionarily, if we look at how humans evolved, we are relational beings. Other people have tremendous effect on us. They just do if the people in our world are stressing us out, we will be stressed. If the people in our world keep demanding more and more of us, we will be depleted. We don't live in a vacuum, we don't live in isolation, and in particular, the feminine woman is at a detriment in isolation. So I recommend strongly to curate your world, fire the people who don't prioritize you, and put your needs first. Now I understand not everybody can be fired, right? You can't always fire your family members. You can't always fire your colleagues, but you can put boundaries, constraints and limitations, around the time that you spend with them, around the things that you discuss with them, around what you bring to them or do with them. Hold your own

Unknown Speaker 21:55
space,

Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 21:58
because that's going to show people how they can treat you when you allow even the people that love you, they may not know how burnt out you are. We women are excellent at performance, right? I listed that. I listed that as a broken as a dysregulated nervous system because it's over functioning in survival mode. We perform in order to belong. We belong to feel safe, because historically, safety came from outside, and we need to be protected. Simple. It's simple math. So if we over perform, a lot of people around us who absolutely love us and want to be there for us and help us, they may not know how burnt out we are. So you are going to have to shift and hold your own space. Hold your No, hold your Yes. You know what? I know that I always used to do these things for you. I always used to pick up your socks. I always used to do your laundry. I know that I always used to push myself to the limit to make sure I stayed out with you in the evenings or stayed up with you at night. I know that. But you know what? I'm realizing it didn't serve me. And if it didn't serve me, it didn't serve you either. And so now it's a no. Now things are going to shift, and the people that love you when you hold your strong, boundaried container, the receptive container, they will fill it up. The people that love you will fill it up. Oh my gosh, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Let me pick up the slack and do that for you. Or what can I do to help fill your cup? You show people, you teach them how to treat you. And yes, there will be a shift. There will be an adjustment period. I understand that it may be uncomfortable. You may want to default back into your dysregulated burnout mode. Don't do it. Let them help you. Let them support you. The healthiest masculine wants to support and provide they want to be generous. Generosity is one of the most beautiful masculine qualities out there. It actually enlivens the masculine to be generous and it enlivens the feminine to receive with gratitude, to receive with gratitude and to provide with generosity. This is a symbiotic relationship between masculine and feminine that actually puts both not only on equal footing, but in their healthiest forms. We love that. We love that. So show people how to treat you. Teach them how to treat you. Issue your clear note, create your boundaries and hold them. Those that love you will help you continue to fill your cup. Those that don't will either learn or leave, and those that you can't get to leave really strengthen those boundaries and curate your time heavily. So those are the ways that's the protocol to overcoming burnout. Yeah, and I mean it like I know that it's not easy, and I know if you're listening and you're thinking, oh my gosh, Alanna, I love the words that you're saying, but I can't imagine putting it into practice. You are not alone. This is why I'm here. I have help and support for you. It starts with that feminine reset series that I've offered on the satisfied woman.com and it goes deeper with my online membership space, rooted, I designed rooted for women, just like you, just like us, navigating burnout and a tricky culture that wasn't designed for us. This is our place to come home. This is our place to commune, to scream with holy rage and to issue our divine Yes, I'm live in there several times a month. I go in there all the time to answer questions and support women and we support ourselves with daily touchstones to keep us in a feminine rhythm and accountable to centering our femininity. I would love to have you join me. So remember this podcast series is all about stopping the over giving it's a recovery protocol. So this is the first in the series. There will be four more. I look forward to giving you more insights into getting over burnout, creating more regulation in your nervous system, and I want you to start with that feminine reset series. So go get it over at the satisfied woman.com and I will be back in the next podcast. You.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai