0:00:01.720,0:00:10.720
Success is so important and we're all driven
to succeed but is that the right drive and is
0:00:10.720,0:00:15.680
Success really worth achieving this is what
we'll be exploring on today's podcast when
0:00:15.680,0:00:21.840
we explore the leadership and feminine energy
that helps us redefine success and the impact
0:00:21.840,0:00:28.920
that we can make in our modern world welcome
to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host,
0:00:28.920,0:00:35.080
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. This podcast is dedicated
to helping women lean into their femininity and
0:00:35.080,0:00:40.840
rediscover the power of their feminine gifts
we take a look at what it means to be a modern
0:00:40.840,0:00:50.120
woman and how we can live A Satisfied life on our
own terms visit the Hub atthe satisfied woman.com
0:00:50.120,0:00:59.200
all right I'm just going to come right out and
say it spoiler alert here success is overrated
0:00:59.200,0:01:04.000
I get that everybody is trying to achieve it we
all want to keep up with the Joneses and success
0:01:04.000,0:01:12.320
has become almost an obsession in our culture
I think of early 80s movies like risky business
0:01:12.320,0:01:22.640
and Wolf of Wall Street um it's it's obsessive
and we're real good at it I know many people
0:01:22.640,0:01:29.720
who have achieved some success but what I don't
know of these people is if that actually helps
0:01:29.720,0:01:38.760
them them be happy I'm not sure that success and
happiness are conflated I don't think that they
0:01:38.760,0:01:45.400
have much to do with one another and in fact I
think sometime the obsessive drive toward success
0:01:45.400,0:01:50.960
actually creates a lot of unhappiness we feel
stressed about the things that we're meant to
0:01:50.960,0:01:57.240
achieve or the deadlines we're supposed to make
or the sacrifices we have to lay uh at the feet
0:01:57.240,0:02:04.200
of the success gods in order to make that success
happen I think about the extra overtime at work
0:02:04.200,0:02:09.560
or the working weekends or the other day I was
riding public transportation and I saw several
0:02:09.560,0:02:16.440
people there with a stack of phones one woman had
two phones one man had three they're shuffling
0:02:16.440,0:02:23.160
between all three of them trying to keep up with
whatever messages are there this obsession with
0:02:23.160,0:02:31.840
success I'm not sure is making us happier and what
I do know is that it definitely doesn't make women
0:02:31.840,0:02:40.920
happier I know imagine now look as a woman myself
who has done her best to achieve as much success
0:02:40.920,0:02:48.480
as possible in her lifetime I know that the stress
that that carries I also know the the stress of
0:02:48.480,0:02:55.600
not being successful but let's talk about what
success is and why it's actually so overrated
0:02:55.600,0:03:02.960
and where we get hung up with it and why maybe it
creates so much stress and sometimes unhappiness
0:03:02.960,0:03:10.920
success is incredibly linear it's a pathway now
I think about young people who are going through
0:03:10.920,0:03:18.200
school and sometimes have a tremendous amount of
pressure even in their early years of schooling
0:03:18.200,0:03:24.600
to succeed perhaps parents or family members
or even teachers or community members have
0:03:24.600,0:03:29.760
encouraged them in a certain direction they show
an aptitude for one thing and so that one thing
0:03:30.440,0:03:40.000
is just hammered home their entire School career I
have a good friend who is a doctor because that's
0:03:40.000,0:03:47.560
what his family told him he should be I know
another young woman who is a classical musician
0:03:47.560,0:03:53.920
because at an early age she showed aptitude
for the violin and so violin lessons six days
0:03:53.920,0:04:03.360
a week all through her schooling until she got
to juliard and she had a breakdown and quit this
0:04:03.360,0:04:16.160
drive is not necessarily our true desire and when
that linear almost unwavering and um unyielding
0:04:16.160,0:04:24.600
drive towards success doesn't take into account
our changing needs our changing desires what we
0:04:24.600,0:04:33.640
actually want to do then is Success at all costs
really costing us too much so success being linear
0:04:33.640,0:04:42.640
and and truly achieving the masculine traditional
idea of success requires that linearity it does
0:04:42.640,0:04:48.560
it requires us to follow a certain path in an
unwavering way and just go for it because there is
0:04:48.560,0:04:55.680
an apex there is a peak there is a a top there is
an end goal to success so you have to get to that
0:04:55.680,0:04:59.760
finish line and there's really only one way to
get to a Finish Line and that is the fastest most
0:04:59.760,0:05:05.040
most direct way possible so that requires that
linear approach where we're not really taking
0:05:05.040,0:05:10.800
in outside influence we're not really taking into
consideration other things or other ideas we're
0:05:10.800,0:05:18.360
not diverting for a while just to see how things
go I mean I can't imagine someone on the pathway
0:05:18.360,0:05:25.040
to becoming a doctor spending I don't know six
years just on break traveling around the world
0:05:25.040,0:05:32.120
and seeing what the world has to offer maybe going
to some Asian countries and getting lost in the
0:05:32.120,0:05:37.360
wilderness for a while and you know popping
back into medical school every now and again
0:05:37.360,0:05:43.560
it requires that linear Focus now I definitely
want my doctor on that linear pathway and so for
0:05:43.560,0:05:49.760
some that is going to be the right and most direct
pathway for them that does fall in alignment with
0:05:49.760,0:05:59.120
their desire their gifts their souls yearning
fine so for those that level of success will
0:05:59.120,0:06:05.720
probably work out but it's not necessarily for
everyone so just be open to that as we continue
0:06:05.720,0:06:12.520
this conversation about success success is also
very masculine let's just call this spade a spade
0:06:12.520,0:06:20.400
when success drives us upward in a linear fashion
to an Apex that is primarily masculine masculine
0:06:20.400,0:06:27.920
has that Apex while the feminine has that depth
and that receptivity and that vessel orientation
0:06:27.920,0:06:35.160
and yes it is phallic is definitely phallic so if
you imagine the masculine fighting with swords to
0:06:35.160,0:06:41.400
get to the finish line or to achieve a goal or
to win that's what we're looking at with success
0:06:41.400,0:06:45.880
now our culture has been built on that because
our culture is patriarchal and that patriarcal
0:06:45.880,0:06:53.640
Paradigm really has us yearning for Success at all
costs and may the best man win but when we have
0:06:53.640,0:06:59.520
a winner we have a whole lot of losers and when
it's the men who are winning guess who's losing
0:07:01.480,0:07:07.760
so the other trouble with success is that it's
hierarchical success usually indicates that one
0:07:07.760,0:07:13.640
person is trying to get to the finish line now I
love competition and I'm definitely not putting
0:07:13.640,0:07:19.920
down success in all respects in all forms in all
ways success is good when it is necessary and
0:07:19.920,0:07:24.840
the right thing to do but success isn't always
necessary so I love competition as much as the
0:07:24.840,0:07:32.520
next guy I've competed in various events myself
love a gold medal why not not but when you have
0:07:32.520,0:07:39.200
a gold and healthy competition is actually really
beneficial for the psyche and for any individual
0:07:39.200,0:07:47.040
it becomes detrimental when there's a hierarchy
and when the losers are diminished as a result
0:07:47.040,0:07:55.080
when the losers truly lose when they feel like
they've lost something in the pursuit of the win
0:07:55.080,0:08:02.440
or the goal or the success that's when we have
detriment and that's when we perhaps are not
0:08:02.440,0:08:09.320
contributing to the well-being of the psyche of
someone else or anyone else I think about success
0:08:09.320,0:08:15.240
in a corporate setting and how it becomes this
Cutthroat hierarchical I'm better than you the
0:08:15.240,0:08:20.440
boss is looking at me kind of energy and there's
a lot of ways to express that whether it's showing
0:08:20.440,0:08:26.880
up earlier than everybody else spending more time
on the report than everybody else throwing your
0:08:26.880,0:08:32.760
fellow colleague under the bus because you want
the promotion these are kind of normal in the
0:08:32.760,0:08:42.120
culture of today and I don't know that they need
to be and it's hurtful so when we have hierarchy
0:08:42.120,0:08:49.160
we have an instability and we have a power
differential in any hierarchy any hierarchy
0:08:49.160,0:08:53.680
you can think of whether it's doctor patient
whether it's therapist patient whether it's
0:08:53.680,0:09:01.320
Professor student um any hierarchical structure
you have a power differential and when you have
0:09:01.320,0:09:08.520
a power differential between humans there's
a potential there not always but there is a
0:09:08.520,0:09:14.840
potential there for abuse of that power and
a lot of people run into trouble with that
0:09:14.840,0:09:21.000
so that's a challenge with success the last
challenge of success that I want to outline
0:09:21.000,0:09:25.600
for you is simply that what happens once you
get to the Finish Line you know what happens
0:09:25.600,0:09:31.400
once you use to the Finish Line I I'll tell you
what usually happens uh once you reach whatever
0:09:31.400,0:09:38.200
goal you've set for yourself you then either feel
empty because that goal has been reached and and
0:09:38.200,0:09:46.720
what are you to do now or you simply move the goal
post forward and you reach higher bigger better
0:09:46.720,0:09:54.320
faster so that you never actually get to any kind
of Finish Line and then there's always a sense of
0:09:54.320,0:10:07.520
dissatisfaction and what are we if not doing our
best to be satisfied women so let's talk about
0:10:07.520,0:10:15.960
satisfaction because look in in times in your life
or in areas of your life or whenever it feels like
0:10:15.960,0:10:24.440
success is the most important or appropriate Road
for you go for it absolutely but never forget the
0:10:24.440,0:10:31.920
power of satisfaction and I also really want
to give you permission to just drop the success
0:10:31.920,0:10:42.080
narrative in favor of satisfaction let's just do
that let's just do satisfaction because let me
0:10:42.080,0:10:48.800
give you the definition of satisfaction this
is at least I think so kind of a showstopper
0:10:48.800,0:10:59.360
game Cher so the definition of satisfaction is the
pleasure derived from the Fulfillment of your wish
0:10:59.360,0:11:07.600
wishes and needs let me say that again just in
case you want to write that down satisfaction
0:11:07.600,0:11:16.560
is the pleasure derived from the Fulfillment of
your wishes and needs I mean I don't know about
0:11:16.560,0:11:25.680
you but when I hear that definition my whole body
melts my soul feels at rest whatever burnout I
0:11:25.680,0:11:33.160
was suffering four four minutes ago is kind of at
ease now I I feel okay when I think about pleasure
0:11:33.160,0:11:43.000
which is a inherently feminine experience when
I think about fulfillment fulfillment is having
0:11:43.000,0:11:49.640
everything that you desire around you whatever
that is there's no limits to that and specifically
0:11:49.640,0:11:55.840
fulfillment of your wishes and needs not just
your needs but your wishes that that's expansive
0:11:55.840,0:12:04.400
that's creative and the needs piece every human
regardless of polarity every human wants to have
0:12:04.400,0:12:13.080
their needs met getting needs met is probably one
of the most important Pursuits of a human being so
0:12:13.080,0:12:17.800
look we're kind of covering all bases with this
idea of satisfaction and what we're letting go
0:12:17.800,0:12:28.240
of is this linear masculine hierarchical Finish
Line that leaves us dissatisfied when women pursue
0:12:28.240,0:12:35.440
satisfaction what they're looking to do is not
just feel pleasure on their own but actually for
0:12:35.440,0:12:45.560
the benefit and with the benefit of others there's
no hierarchy in satisfaction because what's true
0:12:45.560,0:12:54.520
about satisfaction is you yourself cannot be
satisfied if everyone else around you is in misery
0:12:54.520,0:13:00.120
if everyone else around you feels like they're
getting stomped on or walked over or diminished or
0:13:00.120,0:13:08.920
devalued they're not satisfied and you cannot have
satisfaction amidst a bunch of dissatisfaction
0:13:08.920,0:13:17.640
women are known statistically speak I mean look
it up seriously the the facts are there women work
0:13:17.640,0:13:23.480
together women work as a community for the benefit
of all whether it be in their Community whether it
0:13:23.480,0:13:29.120
be in the workplace whether it be in their own
small businesses whether it be in their family
0:13:29.960,0:13:37.160
and we want to make sure that it's our pleasure
that is coming first because that is what will
0:13:37.160,0:13:45.880
allow everyone else around us to feel that sense
of satisfaction the feminine is a pleasure Center
0:13:45.880,0:13:54.000
I know that sounds really sexy I get it it
is sexy being in your femininity is being
0:13:54.000,0:13:59.160
able to run pleasure through your body to
run pleasure through your psyche your mind
0:13:59.160,0:14:06.440
mind and your heart and when the feminine runs
pleasure through her body other people get some
0:14:06.440,0:14:13.960
of that it allows other people to feel pleasure
it starts with us and then it disseminates it
0:14:13.960,0:14:23.560
disperses so truly our pleasure our fulfillment
is actually beneficial to everyone around us we
0:14:23.560,0:14:31.360
don't need metrics for that because as the
feminine we feel that now look yes there are
0:14:31.360,0:14:37.320
metrics there are are Basics we want satisfaction
and some of our needs include a certain dollar
0:14:37.320,0:14:43.320
amount every month or a a certain element of our
life to be taken care of or a certain boundary
0:14:43.320,0:14:49.640
to be met yes we can have our spreadsheets
and our metrics and our facts absolutely but
0:14:49.640,0:14:54.800
let them be in service to the Fulfillment of
our wishes and needs as long as we have our
0:14:54.800,0:15:01.160
needs met then pleasure is possible and when
the feminine isn't feeling pleasure she is
0:15:01.160,0:15:07.720
being drained she is being ravaged she is being
taken advantage of she is being martyred she is
0:15:07.720,0:15:13.600
being I don't even want to use the word
0:15:13.600,0:15:23.040
raped and I don't want to use it because I know
that that is a reality for many women so I don't
0:15:23.040,0:15:32.080
use it lightly we don't have it easy being a woman
in this world world is not easy and I understand
0:15:32.080,0:15:41.240
and know that there is a lot that is not easy and
many different levels of not easy and I respect
0:15:41.240,0:15:49.640
and honor all of the challenges and traumas that
you've been through and what I want what I wish
0:15:49.640,0:15:59.080
and deeply desire for all of us is satisfaction
that we always have our needs met that instead of
0:15:59.080,0:16:05.480
being ravaged instead of being taken advantage
of instead of being drawn from and drained that
0:16:05.480,0:16:13.880
we are ravished that we are honored that we
are cherished that we are valued this is the
0:16:13.880,0:16:19.360
possibility in the world that I hold in mind when
I do this work when I write a book or when I do
0:16:19.360,0:16:27.320
a podcast or when I build a website or create an
app I'm doing it because my desire My need my wish
0:16:27.320,0:16:34.520
that I want to have fulfilled is satisfaction for
all women so I'm going to do my best I'm going to
0:16:34.520,0:16:42.320
do my part I'm hoping that you will too and as we
do this work as we uplift others as we adjust each
0:16:42.320,0:16:48.320
other's crowns as a good friend of mine says or
as my cowgirl friends like to say adjust adjust
0:16:48.320,0:16:53.560
each other's cowboy hats whatever we're adjusting
we're adjusting them for each other we're doing
0:16:53.560,0:16:58.920
this work for each other this is not to benefit us
solely and when a woman is truly in her feminine
0:16:58.920,0:17:06.600
and power she is never desirous of her own soul
benefit because satisfaction doesn't happen
0:17:06.600,0:17:14.000
that way pleasure doesn't happen that way it is
mutual it's not hierarchical it's communal it's
0:17:14.000,0:17:24.280
not linear it's inclusive it's fluid it's always
being adjusted we are always course correcting
0:17:24.280,0:17:32.800
we are always moving fluidly through life and
adjusting based on our feeling our intuition
0:17:32.800,0:17:39.880
what we know in our feminine soul to be right
or wrong for us and by proxy those around us
0:17:39.880,0:17:48.680
and those that we love and that changes because
as a feminine woman our life is lived in Cycles
0:17:48.680,0:17:55.200
whether it be the different stages of a woman's
life which are our early adulthood up to about
0:17:55.200,0:18:06.320
age 25 our young Womanhood up to to about age 40
our um full m like our full um femininity between
0:18:06.320,0:18:15.320
40 and 55 or so and then our satisfaction Beyond
55 whatever those stages are or the monthly cycles
0:18:15.320,0:18:24.080
of our menstrual cycle we are as feminine women
dominated by Cycles our life is based on this
0:18:24.080,0:18:31.800
fluidity of Nature and time and things coming
back around we don't have a linearity to our
0:18:31.800,0:18:39.920
life we have a cycle to our life so sometimes that
linear method of success it's just it doesn't feel
0:18:39.920,0:18:46.000
natural to the feminine woman and and it doesn't
have to right success is not required I think
0:18:46.000,0:18:54.600
for a feminine woman though satisfaction is we
want satisfaction in order to feel that sense of
0:18:54.600,0:19:01.280
pleasure and fulfillment because having our needs
met as a human is critical and having our wishes
0:19:01.280,0:19:14.360
fulfilled that's what makes life rich and full and
beautiful and interesting and wishing dreaming is
0:19:14.360,0:19:21.200
the Providence of the feminine dreams and wishes
come from the unconscious and the unconscious is
0:19:21.200,0:19:28.480
the psychic domain of feminine energy so when
we dream when we wish we are actually tapping
0:19:28.480,0:19:34.640
deep deeply into what makes us most feminine
we are tapping into our creativity and for the
0:19:34.640,0:19:41.400
feminine creativity simply means the creation of
something from nothing whether that be a baby or
0:19:41.400,0:19:46.680
whether that be a new business or whether that
be a piece of art or a dinner whatever it is
0:19:46.680,0:19:53.440
creating something from nothing tapping into that
Creative Energy bringing wishes to life is what
0:19:53.440,0:19:59.600
makes the world new and fresh that is what is
going to make this world more fit filled with
0:19:59.600,0:20:05.000
satisfied women because when you hold a vision
and I hold the vision and we drop that masculine
0:20:05.000,0:20:11.840
Paradigm of success and we pursue what is most
important to us we change the game we change the
0:20:11.840,0:20:20.080
Paradigm we show other women what is possible we
demonstrate leadership true leadership with our
0:20:20.080,0:20:28.640
feminine energy to empower other women to do the
same and that is what allows us all to thrive so
0:20:29.800,0:20:36.120
next time someone says you know are you successful
or what makes you successful or what do you
0:20:36.120,0:20:47.440
do maybe correct them and say actually let
me tell you what makes me satisfied let me
0:20:47.440,0:20:54.080
share with you where my pleasure and my
fulfillment come from what's interesting
0:20:54.080,0:21:00.560
about that is it is a door opening for
others to come in and participate in that
0:21:00.560,0:21:05.600
with you because as women we don't want
to do this work alone we don't want to do
0:21:05.600,0:21:12.560
this life alone another primary principle of
femininity is collaboration and communion and
0:21:12.560,0:21:18.840
this is how we lead one another by holding
hands by doing it in circles in a cyclical
0:21:18.840,0:21:28.640
fashion in a circular way so that we share our
empowerment and in doing so Empower others so
0:21:28.640,0:21:35.280
so let's go for satisfaction let's drop The
Narrative of success when it doesn't suit us
0:21:35.280,0:21:43.120
and let's find that holistic cyclical road to our
pleasure being derived from the Fulfillment of
0:21:43.120,0:21:53.360
our wishes and needs so here's to you and finding
that path for yourself and for your fellow women
