0:00:00.800,0:00:06.960
If you're feeling a little stressed and nervousÂ
this holiday season, you are not alone. We as
0:00:06.960,0:00:14.400
women are often seen as the emotional calibratorsÂ
of our family and our spaces. And there is extra
0:00:14.400,0:00:19.840
added additional pressure over the holidays,Â
particularly when it comes to family gatherings.
0:00:19.840,0:00:24.720
We're seen as the peacekeepers, the ones whoÂ
have to hold it all together. when really it's
0:00:24.720,0:00:32.320
kind of true that no one triggers us as deeplyÂ
as our family does. This podcast is designed to
0:00:32.320,0:00:39.440
help you navigate these holiday triggers and seeÂ
them as teachers turning your family stress into
0:00:39.440,0:00:47.600
a feminine power. Welcome to the Satisfied Woman podcast. I'm your host, Alanna Kaivalya.
0:00:47.600,0:00:54.160
This podcast is dedicated to helping women leanÂ
into their femininity and rediscover the power
0:00:54.160,0:01:00.880
of their feminine gifts. We take a look at whatÂ
it means to be a modern woman and how we can live
0:01:00.880,0:01:09.280
a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit theÂ
hub at the satisfiedwoman.com. Now, make sure
0:01:09.280,0:01:15.920
that you head over to the satisfiedwoman.com andÂ
grab your free threepart feminine reset session.
0:01:15.920,0:01:21.280
that's going to be especially helpful to you thisÂ
holiday season. And if you haven't yet joined my
0:01:21.280,0:01:26.400
Rooted membership, that's where you're going toÂ
get the support you need to turn all of these
0:01:26.400,0:01:34.720
ideas that I present here into your daily reality.Â
This is the hub for satisfied women everywhere,
0:01:34.720,0:01:42.400
and I would love to have you be a part of it. So,Â
let's just call it what it is. The holidays are,
0:01:42.400,0:01:49.920
yes, a magical time, but they are also a deeplyÂ
stressful time. This is an emotionally charged
0:01:49.920,0:01:57.440
month for everyone, especially for us as women.Â
Holiday gatherings can activate old wounds, bring
0:01:57.440,0:02:06.160
up old family roles, and unprocessed dynamics. IfÂ
it feels like the moment you arrive at the holiday
0:02:06.160,0:02:15.360
table, you are once again 5 years old. That's kindÂ
of by design. That is unfortunately why psychology
0:02:15.360,0:02:21.280
is so successful. One of the foundationalÂ
principles of psychology is that most all
0:02:21.280,0:02:29.840
of our emotional triggers actually became triggersÂ
or became codified within us in early childhood.
0:02:29.840,0:02:35.440
So as soon as we arrive back in, let's say ourÂ
early childhood home or with our family members
0:02:35.440,0:02:42.000
who have known us since we are children, we areÂ
literally being reverted back to that time. And
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everyone there is seeing us as we were, notÂ
as the capable adult woman we are now. So
0:02:52.640,0:02:59.200
let's use this episode as a reframe. And yes, I'mÂ
talking to you during December and the holidays,
0:02:59.200,0:03:02.800
but no matter what time of year you'reÂ
listening to this, this is going to be
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helpful. No matter what holiday gathering you'reÂ
at, no matter what family gathering you're at,
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no matter how you're triggered, everything thatÂ
I teach you here in this episode is going to be
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relevant year round. I just wanted to make sureÂ
that I brought it to you at this critical time
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so that you have the support you need this month.Â
Because what's true about your triggers is yes,
0:03:22.320,0:03:29.040
they were created in early childhood. Yes,Â
they live deeply buried in your unconscious,
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but they're not failures. They're not defects,Â
and they're not unworkable. They are actually
0:03:37.440,0:03:45.840
great teachers for you, in particular, whereÂ
you can lean into and reclaim even more of your
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feminine power. So, this conversation is goingÂ
to help you stay rooted, sovereign, and devoted
0:03:53.040,0:04:02.160
to yourself during the holidays so that you don'tÂ
get abandoned by yourself or anyone else. Let's
0:04:02.160,0:04:08.480
talk for a minute about why holiday triggers hitÂ
so hard. I mean, this I feel like this month,
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this December month is often compressive. ItÂ
feels like it closes in. The pace is fast. The
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expectations are high. The schedule is packed. AndÂ
yes, there is this underlying sense that this time
0:04:24.480,0:04:31.680
of year should be extra magical, extra special,Â
extra connective. But all of that comes with the
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kind of dis expectation that ultimately can leadÂ
to disappointment. My goal is to soften that for
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you and to hopefully experience and reclaim someÂ
of the magic that really is behind this season.
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So, the reason holiday triggers hit so hard beyondÂ
this idea of just being this compressive, highly
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expectant time is that when we're with familyÂ
over the holidays, we experience a kind of time
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travel. Now, I wish it was as cool as Back to theÂ
Future and hopping into the Delorean with the flux
0:05:04.320,0:05:12.320
capacitor, Michael J. Fox and his prime at yourÂ
side, but it's not. Family brings you back to your
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youngest self. So, the way that the psyche works,Â
and I've explained this in past podcasts, so I
0:05:18.480,0:05:24.880
won't go into it too deeply. I also talk about itÂ
a lot in my book, The Way of the Satisfied Woman,
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as well as in some of my online courses thatÂ
you get free access to when you join the rooted
0:05:30.480,0:05:39.040
membership. [clears throat] Hint hint. Your psycheÂ
goes through a period of serious development in
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early childhood. Your unconscious gets seededÂ
with things that become true for you for the rest
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of your life. So the unconscious is where yourÂ
emotional triggers are stored. It's where your
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emotional um behavioral patterns are encoded. It'sÂ
all within the unconscious. Now what's key is the
0:06:02.160,0:06:08.080
name of that part of your psyche, the unconscious.Â
They stay buried and unknown to us and they feel
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like they are just who we are or that they'reÂ
happening to us when really it's a very alive part
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of yourself. Now, good news for you, my satisfiedÂ
woman listener, is that the unconscious is the
0:06:19.920,0:06:27.120
domain of the feminine. So, no one more than usÂ
has access to this place. We are our superpower,
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our feminine superpower is our intuition and ourÂ
emotional depth. So if we can actually feel these
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triggers and these deep emotional responses asÂ
communications from the most feminine parts of
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ourselves, that's how they become teachers for us.Â
When we as adult women who are fully capable with
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our fully developed prefrontal cortex can feelÂ
into these emotional triggers or responses and
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realize, you know what, actually this is bringingÂ
us to a place that we can learn and grow from. So,
0:07:02.560,0:07:09.840
as we sit around the holiday table, Uncle JohnnyÂ
or Brother Jeff says something totally wild and
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we feel that emotional trigger creeping up. That'sÂ
when we know that our boundaries, our self-worth,
0:07:17.840,0:07:26.160
or even our inner child need protection andÂ
nurturing. Because what normally happens is that
0:07:26.160,0:07:33.120
women feel responsible for emotional harmony whichÂ
amplifies the pressure of this holiday scenario.
0:07:33.120,0:07:39.440
We are the emotional calibrators of our familiesÂ
and our spaces. So when things start to get tense
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around the table or in the event or whereverÂ
we're at, we tend to repress our own emotional
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response in favor of trying to mitigate or keepÂ
the peace in the family. This is going to compound
0:07:54.240,0:08:01.280
everything. It's actually going to make the wholeÂ
event more stressful. So, this sense of wanting
0:08:01.280,0:08:06.880
to keep the peace or create emotional harmony byÂ
repressing our own emotional responses. First of
0:08:06.880,0:08:15.440
all, we're going to be introduced to what I callÂ
the hydraulic nature of the unconscious. That
0:08:15.440,0:08:19.280
anytime you try to push something down, it's likeÂ
a jack in the box. It's springloaded. It's going
0:08:19.280,0:08:24.640
to come back up with greater force and urgency.Â
But second of all, it's going to create a level
0:08:24.640,0:08:32.160
of inauthenticity. When we're abandoning ourselvesÂ
by denying our own emotional responses and needs,
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we can't interact with others authentically.Â
That actually degrades human connection,
0:08:39.600,0:08:46.320
family intimacy, and that's antitheticalÂ
to all that peace we're trying to keep.
0:08:47.520,0:08:53.280
So let's talk about what triggers actually teachÂ
us because they are teachers. And I think that
0:08:53.280,0:09:00.560
simple reframe that when we feel that panic arise,Â
when we feel that anger arise or that sadness or
0:09:00.560,0:09:09.040
that shock really in the system of who knows whatÂ
causes it, but when we feel that this is data,
0:09:09.040,0:09:16.160
not a defect. This has been encoded in your psycheÂ
for a reason. [snorts] It's going to show you
0:09:16.160,0:09:24.480
where your energy is being depleted, drained, orÂ
demanded of you in a way that isn't right for you.
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It's going to show you where you abandon yourself.Â
Anytime you ignore those responses in favor of
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caretaking others, that's self-abandonment. It'sÂ
going to show you where your old wounds are still
0:09:36.160,0:09:41.040
running the show. Because if that trigger turnsÂ
into an activated response that you haven't really
0:09:41.040,0:09:46.640
thought through and perpetuates the narrative,Â
then that's your it's like your inner child is
0:09:46.640,0:09:53.840
running around wreaking havoc on this entireÂ
family scenario. It's also going to show you
0:09:53.840,0:10:01.440
where you have outgrown your old role. So, oneÂ
thing we can do during this holiday season is
0:10:01.440,0:10:10.560
start to evolve not only ourselves and how we showÂ
up, but the dynamic interaction of our family and
0:10:10.560,0:10:16.320
the people around us. It's going to be, I promiseÂ
you, perhaps at first, a bit of a shakeup and an
0:10:16.320,0:10:22.880
upheaval, but eventually a magical decision that'sÂ
going to restore the balance and the beauty of the
0:10:22.880,0:10:29.520
holidays that all of us do actually crave. So yourÂ
ev your triggers are actually evidence of your
0:10:29.520,0:10:37.040
readiness to evolve because the woman that you areÂ
today, it no longer fits the box that your family
0:10:37.040,0:10:43.200
put you in. They've all made assumptions about usÂ
over the years. We've made assumptions about them,
0:10:43.200,0:10:49.520
too. But let's start to get curious about whatÂ
that might be, where it's coming from, where
0:10:49.520,0:10:58.880
it started, and transform it into who we are now.Â
so that we can be curious and not collapse. Okay,
0:10:58.880,0:11:04.240
when I talk about collapse, I talk aboutÂ
us falling back into our old patterns, our
0:11:04.240,0:11:12.560
old patterns of self-rele self uh reflection orÂ
putting the armor up or um diminishing ourselves
0:11:12.560,0:11:18.640
or even moving away from the discomfort. HoweverÂ
it is, we try to manage others expectations
0:11:18.640,0:11:26.800
of the world around us by repressing what'sÂ
happening within us. That's collapse. And look,
0:11:26.800,0:11:33.840
no one more than our family is going to pull usÂ
back into our old roles and trigger us deeply.
0:11:34.480,0:11:41.200
We often as women show up in our family as theÂ
peacekeeper, as little miss perfect, as the overly
0:11:41.200,0:11:48.480
responsible, always getting it done lady, as theÂ
overgiver who never says no, or as the emotional
0:11:48.480,0:11:55.760
sponge who just soaks up all of the negativityÂ
or challenges within the family. Now, if one
0:11:55.760,0:12:01.280
of those describe you, or even if all of thoseÂ
describe you, you're not alone. And the reality
0:12:01.280,0:12:11.680
is that those roles formed because of survivalÂ
mechanisms as women. Think about us long long
0:12:11.680,0:12:21.120
ago in prehistory. Our actual survival, the reasonÂ
we were able to stay alive is when we belonged to
0:12:21.120,0:12:27.760
a tribe and had the protection primarily of theÂ
masculine members of the tribe, but really as the
0:12:27.760,0:12:34.560
tri of the tribe as a whole. Humans have evolvedÂ
relationally, not individually. No human can
0:12:34.560,0:12:41.600
survive entirely on their own. And women are moreÂ
vulnerable. Now, don't tell anybody I said this,
0:12:41.600,0:12:49.840
and I don't like to say it, but it is biologicallyÂ
true that the female body is just less strong
0:12:49.840,0:12:57.280
physically than the male body. They are moreÂ
designed to fend off attack from mountain lions,
0:12:57.280,0:13:03.440
tigers, and bears than the female body. ForgetÂ
about if we are pregnant or have small children,
0:13:03.440,0:13:11.600
we're even more vulnerable. So deeply encoded andÂ
buried within our psyche is this primal survival
0:13:11.600,0:13:18.720
mechanism to make sure we belong at all costs,Â
literally for our own safety. Literally to stay
0:13:18.720,0:13:25.360
alive. Now, we're not being chased by lions,Â
tigers, or bears anymore, or necessarily even
0:13:25.360,0:13:35.920
waring tribes. But that desire to belong stillÂ
is critical. Now, the way we do it has shifted.
0:13:35.920,0:13:42.720
Instead of appealing to the tribe for protection,Â
we appeal to them through keeping the peace.
0:13:42.720,0:13:48.000
By making sure they don't reject us. By alwaysÂ
being perfect so that we're never criticized and
0:13:48.000,0:13:54.320
potentially dismissed. By being responsible forÂ
ourselves so that we don't put anybody else out.
0:13:54.320,0:14:02.080
By overgiving so that we are essentially needed byÂ
others so that they can't discard us. By absorbing
0:14:02.080,0:14:08.400
everyone else's emotions so they don't have toÂ
deal with it. We try to make ourselves so useful,
0:14:08.400,0:14:20.160
wanted, easy to our family, our tribe members, soÂ
that we earn their protection. Now, you can hear
0:14:20.160,0:14:26.960
hopefully how this is not only encoded in our DNA,Â
our nature, our long evolutionary history, but
0:14:26.960,0:14:33.520
this will be encoded into your family through yourÂ
family's history. From the time you were born,
0:14:33.520,0:14:39.680
they've expected you to be a certain way. TheseÂ
family dynamics are almost like a microculture
0:14:39.680,0:14:45.600
that everybody just eventually falls into step andÂ
agrees to keep carrying on. Now, until one of us,
0:14:45.600,0:14:51.440
and I'm talking to you, sister, changes it.Â
They're always going to expect you to show up as
0:14:51.440,0:14:59.520
you did as a little girl unconsciously. There's noÂ
one to blame here. Everybody's just carrying along
0:14:59.520,0:15:09.520
as they have. But their expectations don't defineÂ
you. They might reflect who you were, but not who
0:15:09.520,0:15:16.480
you are. And think about who you were as a littleÂ
girl. Of course, you needed protection. Of course,
0:15:16.480,0:15:23.760
you needed to belong to that family unit thatÂ
you had no choice in inheriting, that you simply
0:15:23.760,0:15:32.160
arrived into. Here they were. And you, in yourÂ
brilliant baby wisdom, did your best. You smiled
0:15:32.160,0:15:38.480
and were perfect so that you were included. YouÂ
made yourself small and almost disappear so that
0:15:38.480,0:15:45.120
you were easy to take care of. You made sure youÂ
gave and gave and gave so that they all saw your
0:15:45.120,0:15:53.440
value in the family. You didn't cry. You madeÂ
yourself pretty. And you always kept the peace.
0:15:53.440,0:15:58.080
Now, as a young girl, that makes sense. They wereÂ
the ones who had to take care of you. And let's
0:15:58.080,0:16:07.440
hope they did. But now you're an adult. Now you'reÂ
an empowered, satisfied woman and you get to call
0:16:07.440,0:16:15.440
the shots in a different way. So, let's talkÂ
a little bit about emotional sovereignty. Now,
0:16:15.440,0:16:20.560
sovereignty is I love the word sovereignty.Â
You're going to hear me use it a lot. Um,
0:16:20.560,0:16:29.600
my book is titled The Way of the Satisfied Woman.Â
And the last chapter, chapter nine, is called
0:16:29.600,0:16:36.720
ascending to the throne of the queen. Okay, aÂ
queen is a sovereign. She is a lady who sits
0:16:36.720,0:16:43.360
comfortably in her beautiful throne and basicallyÂ
rules over her queendom. She calls in the support
0:16:43.360,0:16:49.920
that she needs. She makes excellent decisions onÂ
others behalf. They are inspired to help her out.
0:16:49.920,0:16:58.160
When I say the word sovereignty, this is theÂ
energy that I'm invoking. That you are the ruler
0:16:58.160,0:17:07.040
of your own land, of your own body, that you areÂ
in command of your own feminine vessel. No one is
0:17:07.040,0:17:14.400
pulling from you what they do not deserve. No oneÂ
is draining you or demanding of you anything that
0:17:14.400,0:17:20.800
you are not wholeheartedly willing to give. TheÂ
sovereign woman doesn't give out of resentment.
0:17:20.800,0:17:26.720
She doesn't give out of obligation. She doesn'tÂ
give because she's coerced into it. She will only
0:17:26.720,0:17:35.920
give of herself when she receives that fullbodiedÂ
yes and is filled with deep desire to show up.
0:17:36.800,0:17:42.880
So emotional sovereignty starts withÂ
us individually where we stay with
0:17:42.880,0:17:49.760
ourselves completely contained within ourÂ
own feminine vessel even if others can't or
0:17:49.760,0:17:55.040
won't. They may not be capable of it. TheyÂ
may not choose to yet. They may not choose
0:17:55.040,0:18:04.320
to ever. But we'll never know unless we stayÂ
self-contained as emotionally sovereign women.
0:18:04.320,0:18:10.080
So, let me give you some quick tips and toolsÂ
for how to do this. Because if this is your first
0:18:10.080,0:18:14.400
podcast or maybe you're right in the middle ofÂ
your holiday season and you're like, "Oh my gosh,
0:18:14.400,0:18:20.560
I can't go back and listen to all 50. Let giveÂ
me something now. This is it." So, simple tricks
0:18:20.560,0:18:27.040
to help stay in your feminine vessel as thisÂ
sovereign woman that I know that you are, but that
0:18:27.040,0:18:32.720
often gets pulled or collapsed during emotionallyÂ
triggered times, particularly with family.
0:18:32.720,0:18:38.640
things you can do is stay in your body. I knowÂ
that sounds maybe strange if you've never heard
0:18:38.640,0:18:45.120
something like that before, but the feminine womanÂ
is an embodied woman. Women occupy their bodies
0:18:45.120,0:18:53.680
fully. We are feeling beings. And those feelings,Â
this triggering, this emotional upheaval is going
0:18:53.680,0:18:58.880
to come through you as a feeling in your body.Â
You're going to feel the tightness in your throat,
0:18:58.880,0:19:04.320
the panic in your chest, the butterflies in yourÂ
stomach, the the it's like the bottom drops out
0:19:04.320,0:19:13.120
of you. It's all going to come through a deeplyÂ
felt sense. And this is your wisdom. Okay. Now,
0:19:13.120,0:19:20.480
women have lots of superpowers. Feminine qualitiesÂ
are vast. But if I were to name two superpowers,
0:19:20.480,0:19:25.680
they are your emotional depth and your intuition.Â
And these are going to be heightened during the
0:19:25.680,0:19:31.440
holidays, particularly intense situations likeÂ
this. And you have to listen. So stay in your
0:19:31.440,0:19:37.280
body. Feel the things that are coming up.Â
Keep your feet on the ground if you can. And
0:19:37.280,0:19:42.320
that might mean metaphorically and it might meanÂ
literally. But that grounding sense of connecting
0:19:42.320,0:19:49.040
to the earth. The earth is, you know, mother.Â
Draw off more energy. Keep your feet grounded.
0:19:49.040,0:19:52.880
You can place your hands. I like it when womenÂ
place their hands on their body whenever they're
0:19:52.880,0:20:00.320
feeling something. It creates an anchor to thatÂ
feeling and it has you acknowledge yourself
0:20:00.320,0:20:07.440
that this feeling is happening. It's real. It'sÂ
meaningful. Okay? So stay in your body. Simple,
0:20:07.440,0:20:14.000
but it's going to have an effect. WitnessÂ
instead of absorb. Often times women's
0:20:14.000,0:20:19.680
are women are empathic and we end up as empathsÂ
being sponges that absorb everything around us.
0:20:19.680,0:20:24.800
If our children are disappointed, we absorbÂ
the disappointment. If our parents are unhappy,
0:20:24.800,0:20:30.000
we absorb the unhappiness. And then we try to turnÂ
into the fixers. Let me tell you something about
0:20:30.000,0:20:36.640
fixing. Fixing is masculine. And when a feminineÂ
woman attempts to fix, she is in a distorted,
0:20:36.640,0:20:43.760
heavy, armored masculine state. This is not yourÂ
natural state. And it's going to be draining. So
0:20:43.760,0:20:53.680
don't fix. Don't fix. Don't absorb. don't fix.Â
Understand that other people's emotional responses
0:20:53.680,0:21:01.760
belong to them. It's their energy, not yours. TheÂ
way I like to think about this is with a little
0:21:01.760,0:21:07.840
visualization actually. Uh, imagine a teflonÂ
skillet. No matter how you feel about teflon,
0:21:07.840,0:21:12.320
imagine it. I know you know what it looks likeÂ
and what it does. Teflon allows everything to
0:21:12.320,0:21:18.080
just slide right off of it. It's not castÂ
iron that absorbs the spices or the oils,
0:21:18.080,0:21:23.600
gets seasoned. We don't want to be seasoned asÂ
women. We want to be teflon. So, I actually like
0:21:23.600,0:21:28.960
to imagine a little teflon barrier around myselfÂ
during times like this and everything just slides
0:21:28.960,0:21:39.120
off. Sometimes that visualization, that energeticÂ
shift is all that you need. And at the very least,
0:21:39.120,0:21:49.360
it's going to be helpful. Now lastly, I talk aÂ
lot about feminine guilt. Feminine guilt. Look,
0:21:49.360,0:21:58.160
it's pretty unique to us as women. We feel guiltÂ
in anticipation of others disappointment. This is
0:21:58.160,0:22:05.920
a strange way to feel guilt. Guilt is designed toÂ
crop up when our behavior, our actual behavior,
0:22:05.920,0:22:10.320
isn't in alignment with our morals and values.Â
Then the guilt will help us recognize that we
0:22:10.320,0:22:14.160
didn't act in accordance with who we believeÂ
ourselves to be. And then eventually hopefully
0:22:14.160,0:22:18.880
we course correct and we start acting moreÂ
appropriately. That's healthy guilt. Feminine
0:22:18.880,0:22:24.480
guilt is actually not healthy. It's deeplyÂ
toxic because what it's going to do is keep you
0:22:24.480,0:22:32.400
small and put you in a box so that you curb yourÂ
behavior. You minimize your needs. You don't speak
0:22:32.400,0:22:39.600
up for yourself, which means you abandon yourselfÂ
in anticipation of someone else's eventual maybe
0:22:39.600,0:22:47.200
possibly disappointment or missed expectations.Â
Now, here's the reality, and I want you to hear
0:22:47.200,0:22:55.440
this. So, listen close. You are not responsibleÂ
for how others feel. You're not responsible for
0:22:55.440,0:23:02.560
how they react. In fact, their reactions or theirÂ
triggers come from the same place that yours do.
0:23:02.560,0:23:09.360
From deep in early childhood, from some eventÂ
that happened likely before the age of seven
0:23:09.360,0:23:16.240
that this whatever is happening has the flavor ofÂ
and so it's bringing it back up and essentially
0:23:16.240,0:23:20.160
regressing them back into this childhoodÂ
state. You might not have even been there.
0:23:20.160,0:23:26.320
You might not have even been in the room. MaybeÂ
you didn't even know them at that time. So, one
0:23:26.320,0:23:33.360
of my favorite sayings is we are never angry forÂ
the reason that we think we are. We're never sad
0:23:33.360,0:23:39.280
for the reason we think we are. All of these deepÂ
emotional reactions are coming from this long ago
0:23:39.280,0:23:49.280
time and place buried within our psyche and it'sÂ
coming up now for us to behave differently with.
0:23:49.280,0:23:58.080
So, their reactions are not your responsibility.Â
Only your feelings are your responsibility. And
0:23:58.080,0:24:07.840
the sovereign woman, sovereignty is your feminineÂ
shield. It's soft but strong and it's unshakable.
0:24:07.840,0:24:14.800
Think of being sovereign as knowing whoÂ
you are. You know who you are. The queen,
0:24:14.800,0:24:22.720
she knows who she is. She owns her role. Now,Â
people are going to try to destroy that. And I
0:24:22.720,0:24:29.040
don't want to impart the idea that anyone in yourÂ
family is malicious. Everyone is literally acting
0:24:29.040,0:24:36.480
on their own triggers, their own past experiences,Â
their own assumptions of who you've been, where
0:24:36.480,0:24:44.080
this family has, you know, taken them. Um, we allÂ
kind of walk in with our past clinging to us. So,
0:24:44.080,0:24:48.160
they might not be malicious. This all mightÂ
be unconscious. They might have no idea what
0:24:48.160,0:24:53.360
they're doing or even how to fix it or even thatÂ
anything is wrong or broken. So, let's just give
0:24:53.360,0:25:00.720
everybody a little bit of grace. And as we shiftÂ
into our own sense of feminine sovereignty,
0:25:00.720,0:25:08.480
we're going to see if our shifting calls them toÂ
elevate and rise or whether they can't and they
0:25:08.480,0:25:14.240
eventually collapse. We're just going to observeÂ
and watch. Okay? But they're likely going to try
0:25:14.240,0:25:21.440
to keep you small, keep you in your past becauseÂ
this is just culturally how people operate. It's
0:25:21.440,0:25:26.480
psychologically how people operate. Again, itÂ
might not be malicious. I'm not placing blame,
0:25:26.480,0:25:31.840
but these are things that are real. And theseÂ
are things like gaslighting, minimization,
0:25:31.840,0:25:41.840
and dismissal. These behaviors inherently areÂ
designed to destabilize your feminine intuition
0:25:41.840,0:25:48.240
and your superpower of emotional depth. TheyÂ
have been used for millennia by our current
0:25:48.240,0:25:54.640
culture to destabilize and dismiss women. WeÂ
internalize it because we are with people that
0:25:54.640,0:25:59.520
we are meant to trust. We're meant to trust,Â
our family members, our loved ones. And so
0:25:59.520,0:26:04.400
when they come at us in our emotionallyÂ
heightened state with things like, "Oh,
0:26:04.400,0:26:09.520
you're just acting crazy. You're too sensitive. OhÂ
my god, you're making such a big deal out of this.
0:26:09.520,0:26:17.840
Will you just calm down? You know what? You'reÂ
imagining things. We internalize those. We want
0:26:17.840,0:26:24.240
to believe them. This is our family. If they thinkÂ
we're overreacting, you know what? Maybe we are.
0:26:24.240,0:26:31.280
If we're being way too sensitive, oh gosh, youÂ
know what? I'm sorry. Maybe I should tone it down.
0:26:31.280,0:26:36.320
And you can see how even if it's unconscious, nowÂ
it might be malicious. They might be using this
0:26:36.320,0:26:41.920
intentionally. I don't know. But we'll we'll giveÂ
them some grace, benefit of the doubt. You can see
0:26:41.920,0:26:50.480
how this kind of culturally adopted narrative inÂ
general for women who are in an emotional state
0:26:50.480,0:26:57.360
keeps us small. I talk a lot about this in myÂ
online course, Stop Calling Us Crazy, because
0:26:57.360,0:27:06.640
there are some very common hallmarks of what theÂ
culture does to try and keep women small. And this
0:27:06.640,0:27:13.360
is one of them. This gaslighting, minimization,Â
dismissal of what is true and real for us because
0:27:13.360,0:27:18.320
it's happening in real time in our bodies. AndÂ
it's coming up from the most feminine part of us,
0:27:18.320,0:27:25.920
which is our deep psyche, our unconscious. andÂ
it's trying to teach us or show us something. So
0:27:25.920,0:27:36.560
what I want you to understand is that cultures hadÂ
a long period of training and you my friend are
0:27:36.560,0:27:44.640
just beginning your retraining. So give yourselfÂ
a little grace and feel free to not believe them.
0:27:45.200,0:27:49.920
I give you all the permission in the world thatÂ
when someone says you're crazy to not believe
0:27:49.920,0:27:54.640
them. When someone says you're too sensitive,Â
you're too much, you're making a big deal, you're
0:27:54.640,0:28:00.480
imagining things, that this is real for you, thisÂ
might be a big deal, you are as sensitive as you
0:28:00.480,0:28:06.240
need to be, and you are absolutely true and rightÂ
and correct in your body, in your intuition, in
0:28:06.240,0:28:14.160
your feelings always. Yes, that goes against theÂ
cultural norm of wanting women to be more like the
0:28:14.160,0:28:20.960
masculine and be more logical and more rational.Â
But those are masculine qualities and women know
0:28:20.960,0:28:29.360
things and I mean know to the core of our being inÂ
our bones through our intuition and our powerful
0:28:29.360,0:28:35.600
depth of feeling. That is where our knowingÂ
comes from. So your sensitivity, my dear sister,
0:28:35.600,0:28:43.600
is a superpower, not a flaw. It's not a flaw.Â
It's not something to be dismissed. It is not
0:28:43.600,0:28:52.320
too much. It is the most right and true thing thatÂ
you have access to. So anytime you feel like this
0:28:52.320,0:28:57.520
gaslighting or this minimization or this dismissalÂ
is happening, and again, whether it is malicious
0:28:57.520,0:29:05.600
and intentional or not, it doesn't matter. It'sÂ
happening. Give yourself the power and structure
0:29:05.600,0:29:13.440
of a reframe and trust what your body is tellingÂ
you. I know you want to trust your family. I know
0:29:13.440,0:29:16.800
you want to trust the people that you love andÂ
believe when they tell you that you're crazy,
0:29:16.800,0:29:26.000
that you are. But stop. Trust yourself first. ThisÂ
might be the first and most potent thing that you
0:29:26.000,0:29:35.760
can do this holiday season. and hopefully honestlyÂ
all year round. I want to encourage you to honor
0:29:35.760,0:29:43.120
your internal truth even when [clears throat]Â
external voices try to deny it. Don't listen to
0:29:43.120,0:29:54.720
them. Listen to what your soul speaks inside you.Â
So, as you go into these holiday rituals, events,
0:29:54.720,0:30:01.600
dinners, gatherings, whatever they are, I'm goingÂ
to give you some pre and post event things that
0:30:01.600,0:30:10.160
you can do to help keep you in this grounded,Â
sovereign place. Number one, breathe. Look,
0:30:10.160,0:30:14.720
I I know some of this is going to sound tright.Â
I get it. But the fact is is you're probably not
0:30:14.720,0:30:21.040
doing it. [laughter] [gasps] So don't sit thereÂ
my dear sister my listener and go Alana that's
0:30:21.040,0:30:25.840
not going to help that sounds like what justÂ
brea yes can you just start there let's just
0:30:25.840,0:30:34.960
start there because breathing is the first umÂ
function of our autonomic nervous system that
0:30:34.960,0:30:40.000
we can actually control. You can't control yourÂ
heart rate which will elevate in triggered in
0:30:40.000,0:30:46.880
triggered scenarios. You can't control your umÂ
your your body temperature, your metabolism. All
0:30:46.880,0:30:52.000
of these autonomic nervous system functions areÂ
out of your control. But breathing is in your
0:30:52.000,0:31:00.160
control. Breathing is how you immediately accessÂ
the deeper elements of your nervous system. And
0:31:00.160,0:31:05.200
the thing that happens when you are triggered,Â
if you're in a deep emotional trigger, you're no
0:31:05.200,0:31:11.440
longer operating from that precious pre prefrontalÂ
cortex, which is the hallmark of adulthood. This
0:31:11.440,0:31:17.200
ability to make incredibly empowered decisionmÂ
to know who you are, to stay in your power,
0:31:17.200,0:31:21.760
that's all in your prefrontal cortex. WhenÂ
you're triggered, it flips you out of that
0:31:21.760,0:31:31.840
and you get right into your basil like reptilianÂ
brain and you are again 5 years old. So begin kind
0:31:31.840,0:31:37.120
of training yourself that being triggered isÂ
not a problem. It's not that we're trying to
0:31:37.120,0:31:40.880
ignore it or repress it. I hope that you've justÂ
listened to the last half hour of this podcast.
0:31:40.880,0:31:47.200
That's not what we're doing. We're just trying toÂ
redirect so that we're not in our 5-year-old mind,
0:31:47.200,0:31:54.320
but that we're in our adult mind. And the wayÂ
we can pull out of that real it's it's a fight
0:31:54.320,0:31:59.120
orflight response. It's basically a fight orflightÂ
response. You're ready to run from the lion,
0:31:59.120,0:32:08.400
which could be your brother or your aunt or yourÂ
kid. But representationally, it's the lion, and
0:32:08.400,0:32:15.200
you're pulling yourself into that fight orflightÂ
response or even freeze or fawn response. Let's
0:32:15.200,0:32:20.160
just get back into the adult mind so that we canÂ
make great decisions for ourselves and act in the
0:32:20.160,0:32:26.160
way that really honors our feminine. And breathingÂ
is going to help you do that. So, if you notice
0:32:26.160,0:32:30.880
your breath get ragged, if you notice it getÂ
shallow, if you're not noticing it at all, take
0:32:30.880,0:32:39.120
a few deep breaths, get back to really feelingÂ
the breath. And that's going to help you stay in a
0:32:39.120,0:32:46.800
regulated nervous system, which keeps you in yourÂ
full autonomous sovereign adult feminine power.
0:32:48.080,0:32:54.880
Set a silent intention for yourself before you goÂ
into any event that could be triggering to just
0:32:54.880,0:33:00.000
stay rooted in yourself. Like I [snorts] call myÂ
membership rooted for a reason. I want us all to
0:33:00.000,0:33:04.880
stay rooted in our femininity, in our feminineÂ
power because there are there are such gifts
0:33:04.880,0:33:14.400
and such great power there. So stay rooted inÂ
yourself. Trust yourself first. And I absolutely
0:33:14.400,0:33:19.040
advocate women being boundaried. I talk aboutÂ
this is the feminine vessel and building this
0:33:19.040,0:33:23.360
feminine vessel with your precious boundaries areÂ
how you then receive all of the support that you
0:33:23.360,0:33:28.480
need and all the good things in life that youÂ
deserve. So create some kind of micro boundary
0:33:28.480,0:33:33.920
before you go into this event or attend this eventÂ
or do whatever it is whether it's a time limit.
0:33:33.920,0:33:39.520
So in my last podcast I talked about some good,Â
healthy, sacred, safe, easy boundaries that you
0:33:39.520,0:33:46.000
can establish. Maybe you say I'm going to giveÂ
it an hour. I'm going to give it an hour and
0:33:46.000,0:33:51.760
then I'm going to check in with myself and seeÂ
how my nervous system is doing, how my heart is
0:33:51.760,0:33:58.480
doing. Am I still in a place of joy? And if I amÂ
in an hour, I'll give it another 60 minutes. You
0:33:58.480,0:34:04.000
never need to give more than that. In fact, youÂ
don't have to give it all. But if you feel like,
0:34:04.000,0:34:09.680
all right, this is something I show up to. Give itÂ
60 minutes and then check in. So micro boundaries
0:34:09.680,0:34:15.200
in advance. Set these agreements with yourself.Â
Give it a time limit. Maybe give it topics you
0:34:15.200,0:34:23.040
won't engage in. So if one of your family membersÂ
is always starting that very incendiary topic,
0:34:23.040,0:34:27.040
maybe that's the time that you say, you knowÂ
what, this isn't something that I'm conversing
0:34:27.040,0:34:33.280
about right now and you just stop there. MaybeÂ
that's the time that you stand up and leave,
0:34:33.280,0:34:40.400
go do something else. You can remove yourself fromÂ
the situation, but there's no obligation for you
0:34:40.400,0:34:48.240
to participate in things that degrade your senseÂ
of sovereignty or your sense of joy. And then
0:34:48.240,0:34:55.520
after the event, make sure that you do somethingÂ
that that is self soothing. [sighs] Calm yourself
0:34:55.520,0:35:00.960
down. You can always go back to the breath.Â
I like to shake my hands. It feels to me like
0:35:00.960,0:35:06.880
I'm shaking off the bad energy, right? And again,Â
sometimes that visualization or that imagining of
0:35:06.880,0:35:11.840
things really helps your body process throughÂ
it. In fact, if you've got a dog, which I do,
0:35:11.840,0:35:17.760
I'm a dog person. You see them shake all theÂ
time. They get up, they shake. They lay down,
0:35:17.760,0:35:22.560
they get up again, they shake. They go outside,Â
they come in, they shake. It's quite literally how
0:35:22.560,0:35:29.280
the mamlian body processes through events. So whenÂ
you shake, you're processing through the events
0:35:29.280,0:35:34.240
so that it doesn't stay stuck in your body, inÂ
your nervous system. it moves its way out on out
0:35:34.240,0:35:40.000
through. You're welcome to take a warm bath. ThisÂ
is deeply soothing for your nervous system. Maybe
0:35:40.000,0:35:46.800
journaling. Talk to yourself about what that eventÂ
revealed or what trigger you experienced and what
0:35:46.800,0:35:50.880
might be at the heart of it. There's somethingÂ
powerful about journaling with a pen as well.
0:35:50.880,0:35:57.120
It draws the unconscious out onto a consciousÂ
state which is the the paper. So journaling
0:35:57.120,0:36:03.120
can be very helpful or even just whisperingÂ
gratitude to yourself. That inner child that
0:36:03.120,0:36:09.440
is inbuilt within your unconscious psyche thatÂ
was there with you through this ride and that you
0:36:09.440,0:36:17.440
held her hand through this experience. OfferÂ
her some gratitude for being there with you.
0:36:17.440,0:36:24.800
So another tool I want to give you is someÂ
things to say when things get hairy during the
0:36:24.800,0:36:29.600
event. Right? So, we just did some post and preÂ
and postevent kind of rituals and and things to
0:36:29.600,0:36:34.720
help keep you grounded and sovereign. But ifÂ
you're there and things start to go haywire,
0:36:34.720,0:36:39.520
then I want to give you some things that I like toÂ
call pattern interrupts. Everyone is used to doing
0:36:39.520,0:36:43.120
what they're used to doing. And if everybody doesÂ
what they're used to doing, things are going to
0:36:43.120,0:36:49.200
end up in the same way that they always do. IfÂ
you pattern interrupt, if you stop the pattern
0:36:49.200,0:36:58.000
midstream, you can create a different outcomeÂ
for yourself. certainly maybe also for them. So,
0:36:58.000,0:37:03.280
here are some graceful pattern interrupts you canÂ
offer if things start to get weird. The first is,
0:37:03.280,0:37:09.120
you know what, that doesn't feel true for me. AsÂ
feminine women, and I do this all the time with
0:37:09.120,0:37:16.000
the women that I coach one-on-one, I continuouslyÂ
remind them to stay in their feelings. When women
0:37:16.000,0:37:21.120
state and acknowledge their feelings, number one,Â
they're staying in their own sovereign power.
0:37:21.120,0:37:26.560
Number two, it's going to call the healthyÂ
masculine that hopefully is present in your
0:37:26.560,0:37:34.800
vicinity to rise and cherish that and or protectÂ
that. So if that doesn't feel true for you, state
0:37:34.800,0:37:41.520
it. You know what? That doesn't feel true for me.Â
That's a lot better than that's not true. When
0:37:41.520,0:37:48.560
truth is positioned as subjective in that way, noÂ
one wins. When you state that doesn't feel true
0:37:48.560,0:37:55.040
for me, you're owning your own sense of truth andÂ
it's not confronting to what other people believe
0:37:55.040,0:38:02.320
cuz trust me, they're going to believe what theyÂ
want to and it's all BS belief system. Okay. The
0:38:02.320,0:38:07.040
other thing you can say is, you know what, IÂ
hear you and I'm choosing something different.
0:38:07.040,0:38:12.640
So, I hear you acknowledges their position, letsÂ
them be where they are, and I'm choosing something
0:38:12.640,0:38:18.640
different is hopefully a soft and easy way toÂ
just, you know what, deflect. Just deflect. I
0:38:18.640,0:38:24.880
hear you. I'm choosing something different. Or I'mÂ
not available for that conversation. I'm just not
0:38:24.880,0:38:31.280
available. I'm opting out. I'm not availableÂ
for that conversation. So, the most important
0:38:31.280,0:38:36.000
thing about these three options that doesn'tÂ
feel true for me, I hear you. I'm choosing
0:38:36.000,0:38:40.240
something different. I'm not available for thatÂ
conversation. Is that number one, it keeps you
0:38:40.240,0:38:46.880
in your power. It reenters your sovereignty.Â
Number two, it interrupts old dynamics. It helps
0:38:46.880,0:38:51.920
to protect your emotional energy. And finally,Â
it requires no justification. So, this is the
0:38:51.920,0:39:02.160
most important element. Don't say anything more.Â
As women, we often get into traps. We kind of dig
0:39:02.160,0:39:10.160
our own holes when we overexlain or justify. StopÂ
talking. Let your body language do the talking.
0:39:10.160,0:39:17.440
Let your sovereign energy do the talking. You oweÂ
no one any further explanation. You really don't.
0:39:17.440,0:39:23.120
And if they clamor for it, if they beg for it, ifÂ
they try to draw it out of you, maybe it's time
0:39:23.120,0:39:35.920
to walk away. But you maintain your power whenÂ
you state your boundary clearly and then stop.
0:39:35.920,0:39:43.200
Now, this doesn't always work. I get it. FamiliesÂ
are tough, okay? And I'm here to give you as much
0:39:43.200,0:39:47.680
advice on as many levels as I can because I knowÂ
how challenging this can be and I want you to
0:39:47.680,0:39:54.480
experience some magic during this holiday seasonÂ
and not just mis mischief. [laughter] So look,
0:39:54.480,0:40:00.560
when others try to to get you to be who you wereÂ
as a little girl, when others try to continue to
0:40:00.560,0:40:06.080
keep you in that little box or keep you down orÂ
dismiss you and you start to act differently,
0:40:06.080,0:40:10.800
it's going to likely cause a bit of a shakeup,Â
a bit of a panic in their world because now they
0:40:10.800,0:40:17.440
have to adjust. So I just want to normalize that.Â
If you see a shakeup, if they feel uncomfortable,
0:40:17.440,0:40:21.840
number one, it's not yours to manage,Â
but number two, it means it's working.
0:40:22.480,0:40:30.640
It's working. I absolutely resist the idea thatÂ
we can't change other people. Now, we can't change
0:40:30.640,0:40:35.840
them if they don't want to be changed. But I feelÂ
I feel like love is at the root of a lot of that.
0:40:35.840,0:40:42.560
If we start shifting into real sovereignty, realÂ
satisfaction, if we start to create our feminine
0:40:42.560,0:40:49.360
boundaries, our feminine vessel, then their loveÂ
for us, yeah, it may feel uncomfortable at first.
0:40:49.360,0:40:54.560
They may resist at first, but I believe theirÂ
love is going to allow them to rise up and in
0:40:54.560,0:41:01.920
to the healthiest form of who they are to honorÂ
us as feminine women. That change is always going
0:41:01.920,0:41:07.840
to be uncomfortable. So, know that it's correct.Â
You are right. You're doing the right thing. It's
0:41:07.840,0:41:14.960
working. Stay with the discomfort. It's okay.Â
And see how they rise. They never will if you
0:41:14.960,0:41:23.200
shrink back because they may resist the new you,Â
but that doesn't mean you're wrong. And never,
0:41:23.200,0:41:31.360
never abandon yourself to be who they rememberÂ
or who they want you to be. Hold your ground and
0:41:31.360,0:41:39.840
stay within your feminine vessel because it's softÂ
and it's powerful. So remember, your triggers are
0:41:39.840,0:41:50.160
all invitations to witness who you were and howÂ
you are now. Your boundaries are deeply sacred.
0:41:50.160,0:41:56.800
They create your feminine vessel and allow youÂ
to stay sovereign and powerful. And as always,
0:41:56.800,0:42:04.240
always your intuition is your guide. So, I hopeÂ
that you'll choose one of the tools I've presented
0:42:04.240,0:42:09.680
to you this week as something to try, as somethingÂ
to activate, because it's going to create change
0:42:09.680,0:42:16.800
within you and hopefully with the people aroundÂ
you. And if you want support as you apply these
0:42:16.800,0:42:22.400
tools as to how other people are going to takeÂ
it, those shakeups that inev inevitably occur,
0:42:22.400,0:42:28.320
the collapse that you inevitably want to fallÂ
back into, please join my membership. The rooted
0:42:28.320,0:42:32.960
membership is designed to help you as you goÂ
through this process of becoming a satisfied
0:42:32.960,0:42:38.640
woman and to give you the support you need becauseÂ
it's true that no woman can change alone and we
0:42:38.640,0:42:45.920
are here to support you. So this season, may youÂ
be devoted to yourself above all else. And may
0:42:45.920,0:42:52.240
everyone rise to create that magic you desire ofÂ
being so supported and cherishing your feminine
0:42:52.240,0:42:58.400
that you get everything that you deserve. I wishÂ
you all of the best in this holiday season and
0:42:58.400,0:43:02.640
please reach out and come join me over atÂ
the satisfiedwoman.com. I'll see you there.
