Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:01
PH, hey, podcast listeners, I just got off of one of my rooted radio broadcasts that I do several times a month inside of my rooted membership. Now it's normally for members only, but as I was giving this talk, this workshop, I realized that honestly, I need to bring this to all of the women in my world, especially this season. I offered some really concrete scripts, strategies, systems, in order for you to help survive this holiday season, maybe even thrive a little to change expectations, not only for everyone in your world, but also for yourself. I want you to create a different set of expectations for this holiday, and I want you to create boundaries that help you stay in your feminine power, satisfied and sovereign. Now I understand that the pressures of the holiday season are even greater this time of year than they are normally every day of the year, but that makes it an even more Prime Time to start to put into place some of the things that I offered in this workshop. So I'm going to give you a sneak peek to the insiders rooted radio that I just did live, because I think that you deserve it. And what I'm also hoping is that you recognize that the value of being inside that membership with me is not just getting some of this insider fun workshop stuff, but you actually get the support you need to put these practices into place, because it's one thing for me to tell you what to say, or offer you an idea of what to do or describe why boundaries are so important for the feminine woman, it's a whole other thing to actually put them into place. It's just a concept until you make it concrete. And what we know as feminine women is that when we change the way we behave in the world, when we start to create stronger boundaries, when we stop holding things that are not ours, it creates a shake up. It causes distress, not just in the people who suddenly are jolted by your different decisions or behavior, but even inside of you, many women that I work with collapse when they try to do something different, because they're so hard wired to over, give over function that that starts to feel normal. Recalibrating our nervous systems is hard coming into regulation, self empowerment and a fully boundaried state can be difficult, and what I believe is that no woman can do it alone. That's why I created this membership. That's why I work with women one on one, and that's why I do all of the things that I do. It's not just about giving you great ideas and concepts. It's about actually supporting you through it so that you can change not just your life, but your ability to experience joy, sovereignty and satisfaction. I want that for you. So come join us in the rooted membership after you've had to listen to this podcast, welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya, this podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com and of course, [email protected]'s that you can join me in my rooted membership and get the support you need to make all of these changes real and walk the way of the satisfied woman. Hello, everybody. Welcome to this very special rooted radio broadcast coming to you live in December, and we are focusing on the holidays, specifically, how to stay rooted in our feminine essence and how to hold our boundaries during the holidays. Because, look, it's hard enough all year round, but there's something about the holiday season that makes all of this so much more pressure filled and so much more difficult, and a lot of it has to do with all of the expectations that we place on ourselves and that are placed on us throughout the holidays. So let's dive in to how we can actually not just survive, but maybe even thrive through the holiday season, because the holidays can be really wonderful and rewarding, but they can also be an emotional mind field, so the expectations triple the emotional. Labor multiplies, and suddenly you become the planner, the host therapist, the gift buyer, the Peacekeeper and the emotional shock absorber, and everyone just assumes that you'll do it, maybe because you've always done it before, maybe because that's what was modeled for you in the past by other women in your family or in your world. So it makes sense that we pick up on all of this and also that it's time to rewrite it and maybe do something a little bit differently, not just for our sakes, but also for the sakes of everyone around us. Because when we are happy and thriving, so are the people in our lives that we really do care about. So this workshop is hopefully going to serve as an interruption for you. It's a reminder to stay rooted in your feminine nature. So maybe that's a clue as to why I call my membership the rooted membership. I want us to truly stay grounded in our femininity, no matter really what else life is throwing at us. And it's not impossible, but it does take practice, and you do get to choose how you move through this season, even if it feels really complicated. So let's start by covering some of the biggest holiday triggers, and this is no matter what holiday you're celebrating, right? There's something about this time of year, if you're here in America, it really starts with thanksgiving. It goes all the way through the New Year. There's a lot to celebrate and a lot to be grateful for. And when I think of the true spirit of this season, what this season really embodies, I think of it, of course, in mythological terms. For those of you who have been here in this space with me for a while, you know that my Ph D is in mythology and psychology and all of the myths and stories and spiritual and religious practices that we have in this world, both past and present, a lot of the traditions, thoughts, the things that we do, the things that we believe they actually arise from the natural world. So I like to go back to, let's say, the beginning, and talk about what's actually happening for us, seasonally, astronomically in our world, we are approaching, at least in the Northern Hemisphere, the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice. If you're in the southern hemisphere, it's the longest day of the year for you. And so that will be flipped. But for those of us in the northern hemisphere, this being the shortest day of the year, what we're experiencing in a psychological reality for us as humans, something that's been entrained and ingrained in our DNA that we've evolved with is an attunement to the fact that these days approaching the solstice are actually getting shorter, that the weather is changing. Animals respond differently. The light is different. Where the sun is in the sky is different. That all has an effect on your natural rhythm, especially as a woman. Think of how attuned your body is, anyway, to the natural world. Women often bleed with the cycles of the moon. We have hormonal rhythms that are in response to what's happening in the world around us. So there's this big cosmic shift, seasonally lightwise, the literal planets are moving around us, conspiring to give us shorter days less light, which actually means colder weather
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 8:41
that historically. I mean, if we talk about real historically, pre historically, it causes people to turn inward. Go to ground. Let's say, snuggle up, bundle up. Make sure that you're warm and taken care of. Make sure that you're well nourished. This is a deeply feminine time of year. Anytime we're talking about this kind of Earth, nature, grounding, warmth, the bundling, the nourishing. We're talking about the feminine. Okay, so originally, this time of year this season would have had women really kind of digging in, being introspective, taking stock of things, nourishing themselves, well, slowing down, not going out quite as much because it's cold out there, let's be honest, and taking this time to reassess and restore ourselves. Now you can see how the nature based reality of what this season is and the solstice is a big deal. Cultures and spiritual and religious practices throughout time and history have always celebrated the solstice in some way. Day, right? Because the solstice is that shortest day of the year, and it marks the day that we then have a return to the light, a return to the warmth, a return to a more energetic, externalized kind of form of living, right? But not until then. So you can see the stark contrast between what nature has set us up with rhythmically in our feminine bodies and what the world asks of us at this time of year. There's a big difference here. So I want you to have that in your psyche. So when the holidays feel compressive or heavy, when you actually don't want to go to another party, when the idea of doing all this work and effort feels like too much for you, there's a reason why it makes sense, not coupled with all of the other triggers, like old family roles. We may have seen our family treat the holidays in a certain way, and particularly our mothers or our female family figures, and so we have this internalized sense of feminine guilt or obligation to continue to repeat those cycles. But part of the work that we do here in the rooted membership, part of the work that we do together as women is actually to question some of those old family roles or those old traditions, because they didn't always have our best and highest good in mind, and they didn't always serve us in the best way possible, and they may not have Been in alignment with our energy, and just because it's expected doesn't mean that we have to continue. Okay, so if you're kind of pulled back into those little girl patterns, those old family habits, I get it look I had a really strong family tradition when I was a little girl. My grandmother, you know, she hosted us for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and if she didn't, our family never would have gotten together. So she really took that matriarchal stance of this is my family. I need them around me. Let me bribe them with great food, and that became our holiday tradition. So I can see the pressure to keep that alive, but I'm gonna give you permission to release yourself from that pressure. Today, there's a lot of cultural conditioning that says holidays are women's work. I have this mental 1950s type image of a woman with, you know, really cinched in waist, wearing high heels, the big, poofy skirt, bending over the oven, kind of taking out the holiday turkey, or the holiday ham, with a great big smile on her face, perfectly coiffed hair that's old school that's embedded within the psyche of a lot of us here in the West. We also have a sense of guilt around the holidays that I think is even more compounded from the guilt we feel through the rest of the year. And there is such a thing as feminine guilt. I talk about it quite a lot, and it's a really unique it's a really unique form of guilt that men don't have, by the way, feminine guilt is in response to our anticipation of potentially disappointing someone else. It hasn't even happened yet. It's not even as a result of our behavior. We have an internal sense of we might disappoint them or we might not meet their expectations, and so that guilt feeling keeps us small, keeps us doing things that we wouldn't normally say yes to but we're saying yes anyway, we have a tremendous fear of disappointing others the holidays and then with the family, addition to it, because family and holidays often are conflated, we have a nervous system dysregulation that says, keep the peace at all costs. And family dynamics are challenging and tricky. They just are. All families have their own sense of dysfunction. I think it was Leo Tolstoy that said, every happy family is happy in the same way, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. So you know, depending on what's going on with you, there's going to be that crazy family member that you have to dance and walk on eggshells around. There's going to be the quiet family member that tries to remove themselves. There's going to be the unruly family member that just can't keep his or her mouth shut. This is all happening, and we as the emotional calibrators of our spaces. That's what women are. We often will contort ourselves around those family dynamics to try and maintain a sense of peace, but at our own cost and along those same lines, we also feel a tremendous sense of pressure over the holidays to create. Create magic for everyone but ourselves. I remember, you know as a kid, and if you have kids, then you probably feel this pressure too. We want to impart this sense of wonder and magic of the holidays to our children, because let's be honest at their heart, they are wondrous and magical, and the mythology surrounding the holiday season from all of our current traditions, is pretty whimsical and cool. So I love that. I love keeping the magic alive. I love keeping the myth alive. I love telling those stories, keeping our children and our family members close to the traditions that really empower us. I'm all for it, just not at the cost, at the expense of our own well being and femininity, because that over giving that pressure to keep that magic alive or to fulfill the roles of the past is not really love. It's actually more of a survival mode, because, again, if you're operating from a false Yes, right, if your body is issued a no, if your intuition is screaming at you and you're doing things anyway that's inauthentic connection with others, and they're going to feel that. They're going to feel that somewhere in their own bodies, they're going to feel your survival mode you're going to be acting out of, if not resentment obligation. And obligation is the ugly, gross, older step brother of resentment. So let's just find a different way through it. So let's talk about a couple of the holiday archetypes and where we might fall in this holiday spectrum. So number one holiday archetype for women I find, and I think, is the hostess by default. Everyone just assumes that you'll cook, clean, orchestrate, coordinate, hold all of the threads together. If that's you, I want you to try on something different. So for each of these archetypes that I'm going to present, I'm also going to give you a boundary, a way to hold yourself a little differently, and yes, it might cause some discomfort in others, but that is not yours to manage. It's not it might cause some discomfort in others. It is not yours to manage, and I want you to give yourself permission to set these boundaries and allow those around you to rise, because the holidays could be magical for you too. The Holidays could return to what they originally were, this natural Solstice, withdrawing nourishing of the feminine, if you'll ask for it, if you'll set those boundaries and allow for that space to be created, okay, so if you're the hostess, by default, the one everyone assumes is going to cook, clean, orchestrate, coordinate, hold all the threads together. Make sure the Christmas presents, or the holiday presents are bought for everybody. Make sure that you know this person's needs are taken care of, that party is attended to then what I'd love for you to try, this is your power move ready. This year I'm choosing a simpler holiday. I won't be hosting, but I'm happy to bring a dish.
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 18:41
So whether that's in your family text thread when they all just start assuming that they're coming to your house, or whether you send out an email, or whether it's on the phone with your sibling, you know what? Actually, this year, I'm choosing a simpler holiday. I won't be hosting, but I'm happy to bring a dish. So if you're the hostess by default, there's your boundary power move. All right. Next the emotional support animal, if you are the woman that family unloads every crisis on to pulling you into the arguments, trying to make sure that you're the one keeping the peace, getting your opinion to weigh in on the scales. If you're the emotional support animal for your family, then this is your year to create a boundary where you instead are supported. So there's a couple of ways to approach this. First would be, you know, I'm here to enjoy time together, and I'm just not available for heavy conversations today. You can say it with a smile. You can say it simply, but that really creates a clear construct for them trying to pull you in to something deeper, and you saying no now, if they just don't accept that, which is. Their problem, not yours. Then here's a quick, easy follow up. Look, I care about you, but I'm not entering that dynamic. So I'm here to enjoy time together. I'm not available for heavy conversations if they protest and try to drag you in. You know, I care about you, but I'm not entering that dynamic today. Simple, and then you can walk away. You've set your boundary clearly, and any disappointment or agitation is squarely on them, all right. Holiday archetype number three for us ladies, is the perpetually available daughter, sister or mom. This is you, if you're if you are always expected to just drop everything, attend everything, say yes to everything, and you might find that you're kind of a mix of a couple of these archetypes. So if you're constantly attending to everyone else, if you're perpetually available, if your own needs don't even matter to you, you put them to the side, then this is you, and here's where I want you to create a boundary, right? Because this is going to eat into your time, this is going to eat into your energy, this is going to eat into your well being. So here's your boundary power move. You know, I won't be able to make that, but I hope you guys have a wonderful time. Yeah, no explanation necessary. Full Period. End of sentence. You know, I'm not going to be able to make that additional event this week, but I hope you have a wonderful time. No, I can't join the family in their lights at the zoo adventure, but I hope you have a wonderful time. I do, I hope you have a wonderful time, and then you have time to attend to yourself and your own needs, because remember, this season is really about introspection and nourishment of the feminine. Okay, fourth holiday archetype for us as ladies is the Peacekeeper, and this is the lady who keeps the vibe high by completely erasing her own needs so overly tending to everyone else, making sure that everyone else is happy, never actually addressing her own needs or concerns for the holidays and moms. I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you, and I know, you know, I remember growing up, I think it was my grandparents who used to say, Yeah, holidays are for the kids, and so they would bend over backwards to try and make the holidays great for me. Now I appreciated that as a kid, and I also saw how much work it was for them, and especially my grandmother. So if you're trying to keep the vibe high by erasing your own needs, and you on the inside are actually feeling quite low again, that's inauthentic connection, and no one's served by that. So here's your power move, Miss peacekeeper. Look, I'd love to stay connected, but if the energy shifts, I'm going to step outside or take a break. This is really powerful when you're inside of family dynamics and things are starting to go awry. You know, maybe people expect you to step in. Or I even heard of a situation recently with one of my one on one clients where there is a troublesome family member, and this troublesome family member has the magic ability to manipulate everyone else into bending to this person's will, even though it makes everyone uncomfortable, they all feel like they have to walk on eggshells around her so rather than keep the peace, as was requested by the mother of my client. Oh, you know, don't, don't, don't make waves. Just continue to be uncomfortable so that we make sure we don't step on those eggshells. Instead. This was a power move that I suggested to my client. Look, you know what? I'm gonna try, but if things start to go awry, I'm out. I'm just out that way you continue to maintain your own energy. So look, no matter where you where you are this holiday season, no matter how this holiday season finds you or you know what you've got going on, it's going to be very likely that on some level, you are activated or triggered at some point this holiday it's just the nature of this time of year. And if we think about it psychologically, right, this move toward darkness is a movement towards the unconscious. So it is appropriate that triggers arise at this time of year, because psychologically, this is the time that we're turning inward to evaluate what's going on internally, and we need to take the time to evaluate. We need to take the time to assess and learn about what our psyche is really needing at this time of year, it's likely going to be rest, it's likely going to be restoration. It's likely going to be more nourishment. It's. But when we listen to our triggers, when we get activated, that is the moment that we honor this season in order to examine it more fully and make sure we stay rooted in our feminine power as upheld by our own strong feminine boundaries. So when you get activated this season and you will then my recommendation is really to just start with a pause. Start with a pause. Place one hand on your chest, maybe even one on your lower belly. Take a few deep breaths and whisper to yourself internally, I'm going to choose myself. This is going to interrupt the pattern of over giving that that trigger is touching whatever the trigger is, right? Maybe it's the request to get the turkey done a little earlier. Maybe it's a request to set some additional, you know, plates at the table. Maybe it's a request to host one more person at your house over the I don't know what it is, but when you start to go into overdrive and overthinking of Okay, now, how do I continue to accommodate everyone else? This is your five second feminine reset. You pause, you breathe, place the hand definitely on the heart, maybe also on the lower belly, and whisper to yourself, I choose myself, because right now, in that moment, no one else is choosing you. They're not, whether by choice or whether just by default training. They've been they've been not choosing you for so long. They think it's okay. It may not change in that moment, but what I want to change in that moment is you choosing yourself. Think of it as a micro practice for starting to truly have your own back, because that's how you're going to stay boundaried. Teach yourself that your needs and desires matter, and when you hold those boundaries, you teach those around you that your needs and desires matter too. But it's going to start with you. Start with this sacred, tiny, feminine pause. And now, before you go into anything this holiday season, I want to create a pre event boundary ritual for you so before family gatherings, for sure, but even holiday parties or whatever it is you're facing, think about these three things. Number one, what do you want to feel during this experience? What are you not available for? Create a schema, a boundary in your own mind, what are you not available for? And what is one non negotiable boundary? Maybe it is entering into a certain type of argument. Maybe it is staying for too long, and before you walk into the event, hand over heart, say your say to yourself out loud, I choose to stay rooted. I choose my peace and I choose my power. Because when you know what you want to feel, what you're available for and what you're absolutely not before you go into an event, you'll be less blindsided and less dysregulated when confronted by those things, when you remind yourself to stay in your peace, to stay rooted in your femininity and to stay rooted in your power, you're going to have a much greater chance of success at some of these holiday events. Okay, so I
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 28:39
also want to go over some sacred no scripts. So if you've been with me for any time here and rooted or listened on my podcast or anything like that, you're going to know how important no is for the feminine. No is the phrase of the feminine, and we have to start issuing no more regularly, because we really get tripped up by that inauthentic Yes, when we say yes, but mean no, that is a level of self betrayal, and if we betray ourselves, how do we expect anyone else to honor us? So here are a few sacred nos you can issue, because the pressure is high during the holidays to show up above and beyond that level of over giving that you give every day of the year. So if there's a holiday invite you don't want to attend, thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm keeping things simple and won't be joining but appreciate the invitation. If there's a family member pressuring you, I understand that's what you want, but this year, I'm going to honor my own bandwidth. If there's expectations to host, to cook or to manage I don't have capacity for that this year, but maybe I can contribute a dish. And if there's a comment about any of your choices or your boundaries that might surprise people you know, just honor that I hear you. You, and I'm still choosing what's right for me above all else, I want you to honor the feminine gold, golden rule when making these requests, don't over explain, because every time you over explain, it opens you up for debate, and your boundaries, sister, are not debatable. Boundaries are declarations. They're not negotiations. Negotiation compromises you your energy and your ability to actually do the things that you love and serve the people you love. So if you need to leave any of these situations over the holidays, give yourself permission even temporarily take some fresh air. Tell people you're going to take a quick break. Say you'll be back in a bit. No drama, no announcements, just energetic clarity. You always have an exit strategy. I don't care how locked in you feel, it's always appropriate to take a break when you need to. All right now, ways to keep your energy clean during this holiday, which I know that this is a lot. I hope you've been taking notes. I'm going to include notes here for you. And I just wanted to make sure that you have the armor that you need, but not masculine armor, not hardened masculine armor or not distorted feminine armor. That's going to get you more into trouble. Okay, I want you to have high, holy, sacred feminine armor so that you're standing in your sovereignty this holiday season. Because I want you to try to reclaim what the essence of this season really is about this introspection, this nourishment, this going to ground, this tending to yourself, This reassessment of what's important to you, this letting go of what's not so before you arrive anywhere holiday or Holiday functions or family functions. Use that moment in your car or your method of transportation to set your intention. What do I want to feel during this What am I available for? What am I really not available for? Maybe release the energy when you're done. Okay, so when you get back into the car, I like to shake my hands, and just feels like the negative energy is flying off of me when I do that. Give that a try, release the energy, shake it out, turn on some great music, and breathe. Let those moments in your vehicle be restorative moments. I know you're probably driving to the next event, but give yourself that time, space and peace. I also really recommend if you can now, we've talked about that five second pause, but if you can give yourself 24 hours before making any decisions on invitations, I strongly recommend it. So whether it's the invitation to another party. You know what? I'll get back to you tomorrow, whether it's what do I do about this gift that I don't have money for? You know what? Let me think about it. I'll get back to you tomorrow. Giving yourself 24 hours to respond to challenging holiday requests gives your nervous system time to settle. Because what's true is, if you act or react immediately. You're likely reacting from a dysregulated and triggered place, and that's not going to lead to any more good stuff. It's only going to lead to more over giving and more energetic drain. All right now, after you go out, after you come home, when you've got some time at night, give yourself something that connects you really, to the energy of the season, something that gets you back into your body. I love a hot shower or bath. For this, I recommend writing down in a journal or even in the notes on your iPhone, what is yours and what is not yours. Are the expectations set by family? Yours to carry or not? Are crazy family members expectations of your political views, yours to carry, or are they not? Is disappointment around a gift that wasn't quite right yours to carry, or is it not, we as women have been carrying far too much that is not ours, and it is time to drop that load. So getting honest in a journal every night helps you get clear about what no longer needs to weigh you down, even simple things like a basic movement practice or hydration of some kind. I love a good hot chocolate or a tea and silence, just silence. There is this expectation that as feminine beings, we are going to be over communicative, that we are going to just continue talking. I think a lot of that stems from us wanting to try and convey our. Distress to people who have a hard time listening and understanding that's not our problem. When we speak with clarity, when we speak concisely, when we speak in a way that conveys both our feelings and our needs, then we don't have to over explain and silence is a powerful communicator, too. So remember, the holidays don't get to decide who you are. Your family doesn't get to decide who you are, and your past doesn't get to decide who you are. Not just this holiday season, but every day of the year, you get to choose how you move through every day, and knowing that the holidays are times filled with even greater pressure, then there is no time greater than this year to really practice some of these high holy feminine boundaries that I have explained to you during this chat. So if you do nothing else, choose one boundary, practice it today and allow it to allow you to whisper yes to yourself. Now, as always, it is a honor and privilege to have you here with me in this rooted membership, and I'm here to support you, because it's one thing for me to give a talk like this and to give you even like scripts and outlines and what to do and practices. Those are all great, but they're only great if you actually put them into practice. It's just content until you make it concrete. And making it concrete, I know can be scary, when you issue a boundary, when you give a sacred pause, when somebody's expecting an immediate answer, when you say, I'm going to wait until tomorrow to make a decision on that and they want that decision now, when you have expectations laid on you of all the years past, of you doing things and you decide not to, this year, all of these things can cause a shake up, whether that shake up is external, people outside of you protesting this maybe new decision for them, or whether the wobble and the shake up is internal, because being in that panicked over giving dysregulated state has felt normal, and when you start to course correct, that can create another level of panic. I don't want you to collapse back to old patterns. This is your moment to start to create more sovereign, satisfied boundaries for yourself. That's what we do here in rooted that's what we do here at the feminine woman, the feminine woman, the satisfied woman, and feminine woman, all of that, yes, and this is what I do to support you. So I'm so grateful you're in this membership, because that's what we do here for each other. That's what I do here for you. If you're a one on one coaching client of mine, then I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to work with you. I'm offering gratitude to everyone in my world this season, to me, honoring the nature of this season means honoring the women who walk this journey with me. Let's hold each other accountable to our sovereignty and satisfaction. Let's hold each other through the wobbles, the stress, the triggers and the panic. Let's hold each other in those moments where we want to collapse back into that old patterning so that we don't so that instead, we rise, and in doing so, we create a whole new meaning to this season and all the seasons hereafter.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
