Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:00
PH, have you ever thought of boundaries as an act of love? Boundaries are not a way to wall ourselves off from the world or other people, but rather they're a tool of radical self love and an act of resistance that helps us to love ourselves and others better. The feminine practice of boundary setting actually invites a deeper level of intimacy, connection, safety and energetic balance. We'll be exploring that on the podcast today, and this is part three of our October series, reclaiming energy and boundaries. So if you haven't listened to parts one and two, maybe pop back and explore those podcasts first, and I'll be ready and waiting for you right here. Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com and make sure that you head over there this month, because there's some exciting things happening. One of the reasons why I'm doing this mini series in October is that we're leading up to a live experience going through my book, The Way of the satisfied woman, as well as the companion course that starts on October 29 so if you're ready for radical transformation, not just validation, but radical transformation in terms of reclaiming your feminine power and really moving into this life as a satisfied woman. We're going to be doing it together, starting on October 29 and I would love for you to join me. At the very least. I want you inside my rooted membership, which is just for women like you, and it's not putting something else on your plate. It's actually a membership that helps you remove all of this stuff that is on your plate that doesn't need to be there. It's a reclamation of your feminine rhythm and your empowerment as a woman in this modern day world. Because it's not easy, but it does get easier when we stick with each other and communicate with one another and participate in community like I have over at the rooted membership, there's some amazing women in there. We are waiting for you, so come join us at the satisfied woman.com now, as always, it's my pleasure and my honor to be here with you on this podcast. This is episode three in this month's mini series around reclaiming our energetic boundaries and reestablishing some balance in our lives. You know, I cite this all the time, but 80% of women report that they're burnt out. And I'd like that number to shift a lot. I'd like it to go away entirely. But part of this burnout that we experience as women is this lack of boundaries and this constant habit of giving ourselves away, overdoing over, giving doing everything for ourselves and everyone else at all times and trying to make it look good while we're doing it. Now, a lot of people will take a look at that kind of behavior and say, Wow, she is so capable, but they mistake our capability for willingness, or Wow, she's so powerful, or so accomplished. But they will mistake Our achievements for an energetic capability that we've always had when really we're exhausted and we're churning through that hamster wheel, burning through our energy and burning ourselves out, because that's the way we've been taught to keep ourselves safe. But what if there was another way? And I want to introduce that to you today, because this current energy, this collective fatigue, this emotional clutter and the fear that we constantly have of being too much or putting people out if we actually ask for our needs to be met, has to stop. It is a drain on our life energy. It's a drain on our emotional energy. It's a drain on our our ability to actually do what we need to do in our own lives. And I say that because I work with many, many women, and I have the great power, the great privilege, rather, to coach women one on one, and also to work with them in my rooted membership. And I hear over and over and over again how absolutely drained we are because we're giving ourselves to our families, to our careers to our relationships, and we don't have time for what we want to turn our attention to in this life, it's almost like we're deleting ourselves in this process of giving ourselves away, and we can't have that. Anymore, because right now, and I mean it right now, at this time in human history, the world needs what you have to offer. The world needs to see you as empowered. Your daughters need to see you as empowered and sovereign. Your sisters need to see you standing up for yourself, your fellow female colleagues need to see you, putting down the pen, shutting the laptop, because if we don't arrest this over giving pattern and this almost a willingness, but at least a participation in burning ourselves out, then we have no leadership in terms of showing other women a different way of being, and feminine leadership is necessary right now. We need to pave the way for the women next to us and who are coming after us to no longer burn themselves out and to no longer give themselves away the pattern of rest begins with you, and I'm looking at you, if you're watching me on YouTube, then you see I'm looking directly into the camera, and I'm speaking to you now, one of the things that I know happens when I say things like this to women is panic the but I want everyone else to do the work, or I'm not ready to confront it in myself. Well, I'm going to say this with as much love and compassion as possible and a little tough love. We can't wait for your readiness, because I need you running on all of your cylinders right now. I need you to step into your empowerment. I need you to be okay with setting boundaries and maybe even disappointing people a little bit in order to recalibrate your energy so that you can start to dig in to the creativity, pleasure, sovereignty and satisfaction that is your birthright, because when you reclaim it for yourself, you give permission to other women to do the same. Now, I recently had the opportunity to work with a woman who, like many of the people that I work with, didn't have a strong hold of her boundaries, and one of her greatest fears was being taken advantage of others and losing herself. And the perception was that others needed to step up and help her. And look, the reality is they do. They absolutely do. And I talk about that a lot on this podcast, in my rooted membership in the work that I do, I always create space and a lot of structure around inviting those in our lives and around us to step up and in, to greater levels of support and into honoring our boundaries, But they can't step up and in unless we establish those boundaries, unless we actually tell them where the boundaries are right. We can't make it a guessing game or a moving target. We can't expect other people to read our minds and to magically know the boundaries, especially if we've never established them before, or we've never asked for our needs to be met, or we've never stood up for ourselves, and if we've never done those things, yes, others might be surprised when we do, But unless we do, they'll always continue to treat us as if we are infinitely resourced and infinitely bottomless in terms of our wells. Well, one of the chapters in my book, by the way, is literally titled, women are not a bottomless well, because we are not infinite in our energetic resources. We are finite we are finite vessels. We are finite containers. And we need to really draw what those vessels, or those containers look like, so that other people know how to treat us and what's acceptable. You see, boundaries aren't walls. They're actually invitations to clarity, connection. Greater truth and ultimately, safety. A woman rooted in her boundaries, isn't rejecting anyone. She's choosing herself, and she's teaching others how to love her.
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 9:42
And if you've never drawn those boundaries, and if others have just rode roughshod over what they think might be your boundaries, there is a lot of improper training going on. No one understands how you need to be loved. No one understands what you need in this life. No one understands the space that you need. The time that you need, the care that you need, we have to actually start to draw these boundaries and speak up for ourselves. Now I understand that this is hard. I get it. I get it, and I get that, you know, doing the work is hard. Okay, doing the work is hard. And I want to be clear that, as well as a leader of this movement, I guess we can call it that. That's what that's what we're doing here. We are moving, ladies, we are moving, and I am trying to get us all truly moved. I understand how hard it is, but I'm not here to validate or affirm any of the BS, the belief systems that have gone on before. I'm here to liberate and to transform, and a lot of that transformation is going to start with the work that we do within ourselves. Now. There's a lot of emotional labor already heaped on the plate of women, and I am deeply sorry that there is more to be done, but there is what we're going to do, hopefully, is do the work that benefits us first. And as I've said many times in the past, when we prioritize ourselves, when we do the work that benefits us as women, ultimately, that benefits everybody. It benefits everybody. When women are happy in their spaces, when we're happy in our relationships, that is the greatest indicator of the future happiness of our children, and by proxy, really everyone in this space. So just like when you are in a plane and they instruct you that you've got to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others, and I think it's striking every time I've ever flown in the plane, that particular image in the pamphlet they give you in every seat back pocket shows a mother with a child, because it's usually going to be us that doesn't do that first. It's usually the women who are giving themselves away and helping others first. And I think the people who create those pamphlets know that, so they give it as like a prescriptive warning. Hey, ladies, I'm talking to you oxygen masks on first. So this is an oxygen mask, and I know it feels hard, because our cultural programming has consistently told us to give ourselves away, to put others first. And look, you know, on some level, in our hearts, we always will right, but I want us to just be in our heads for a moment and recognize that we can't put ourselves last. We have been too long trained to love through self abandonment, to love through dismissing our own needs to love, through giving ourselves away, we've been tricked into the feminine guilt loop where the disappointment, the fear of disappointing others, is so great that we're actually judged preemptively for it, the fear of disappointment and disappointing others is so great that others preemptively judge us if they even think we're about to say no. But here's the reality, there is an energetic leak already happening from our feminine vessel, because every unspoken No, every no that we wish we could issue and don't actually becomes a silent contract of resentment, and it's destroying our connection and our relationships anyway. It's not authentic when we don't authentically live from our intuitive selves as women, we cannot authentically connect with others, and they're going to feel that, whether they can put words to it or not, they are going to feel that when we put up boundaries that are inauthentic, when we put barriers in the way of connection, those connections degrade, and the feminine needs connection. Look, the masculine does too every human needs connection, but for the feminine, that connection, that communion, community, that conversation, is absolutely critical to our well being. So boundaries make us more authentic. Boundaries keep us more safe. Boundaries actually create more safety, more trust, more authenticity. They don't make you less feminine. They protect your feminine essence, because imagine yourself you as this incredible, sovereign, hopefully satisfied woman as a vessel. Now I should have known that I was going to talk about the vessel on this podcast. I have a special vase, and for those of you that have been with me on my rooted radio broadcast that I go live in the membership regularly for my members, you will. Have seen the vase. It's a big, giant vase. It's beautiful, but I hold it up as a representative of the feminine vessel. And maybe you, in your life or in your home somewhere, have a similar, beautiful feminine vessel that you love. And I want you to imagine it that this vessel is you. It's the beautiful shape of your body. It's the shape of your container. Our female anatomy is a vessel for those of us who have chosen to be mothers. We have grown life inside of our vessel. You are contained, you are finite, and you are full of life force, energy, and when you are well boundaried, you preserve and harness and hold that energy in a way that is creative, productive enhancing of the world. It is essential. It is where pleasure is moving through our bodies. Your vessel is a sacred container, and I need you to treat it as such, no holes, no dents, no forgiving of the vessel. Okay? This vessel has been put through fire. It has been hewn in the fires of your life. I don't know a single woman in this world who hasn't gotten through life unscathed. To be a woman in this world is at some point, is to have lived through something hard. It just is. This world wasn't built for us and it wasn't built with us. In mind, we're doing our best to change it. It happens with you and me, but this vessel that is yours is your sacred container, and I need you to contain it, because the feminine doesn't disappear. When she says no, she actually becomes more magnetic. The phrase of the feminine is no. Now I don't want you to think that that means we're just, you know, hard asses. I don't want you to think that that no phrase means we're opting out of life or saying no to life. We are life. We are literally the bearers of life, okay, but we need to protect it, not in a way that is stingy, not in a way that is walling us off, but in a way that is sovereign, in a way that we get to choose that the consent is always ours, because when a woman issues her Yes, she's going to do it with her whole body, with her whole heart, with everything that she is, and she will need all of that life essence that is within her container in order to move through that. Yes, women don't do things by halves. You don't you know, you're not halfway pregnant, you're not halfway in this life. You're not halfway offering your magic. I don't know a single woman. I have never worked with a woman, and I work with incredible women who do great work in this world. A lot of them are coaches and mentors for other women, they don't do it halfway. Okay? So you need all of that life force. That's why your well has to be full. And when your well is drained because that vessel has been punctured or it's softened or it's misshapen, you're doing no one a service. Okay? Your no is precious, and your no is really how you create this boundaried vessel as a feminine woman right now, I like this image. I like this image of a vessel. I like it of a vase. I like to have an actual representation of it, so that you can make it a concrete practice for yourself, and also so that you can start to feel where your vessel might have holes in it. Because if you can't contain your energy, you will feel burnt out. You will feel drained. That is the consequence of it, and literally, nobody benefits from that. How in the world can a beautiful vessel of vase hold flowers and keep those flowers fresh for days and days on end, if there is no water in it, if the water is drained, if it can't hold water, life doesn't occur. So when we talk about feminine boundaries, and the phrase of the feminine as no what we're doing is we're preserving our energy. We're creating a lot of clarity around what we're energetically willing to offer, capable of where we want to give our energy. And I, actually, I like to offer as a bit of a homework for you, where does your energy
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 19:40
go because we have let's say we've got 100% of energy. We don't have 110 we don't have 115% we have 100% of energy. And if we would really like to offer our career, let's say 50% of our energy, or our calling as 50% of our energy. Energy. If we would really like to offer our family as 25% of our energy or 75% of our energy, you get to decide which percentages go where. But as you start to think where is your energy going, you'll notice where your energy is being taken or where it's being drained. And this is where boundaries are critical for you, because if energy is being taken in a way that you didn't consent to, or in a way that perhaps you softly consented to long ago, and then it's just continued to be a source of depletion, you got to call it back. The feminine draws clear, energetic boundaries. The masculine sets rules and regulations. The feminine draws energetic boundaries, clarity. Boundaries as a rhythm, boundaries as an intuitive body based experience. So one of the things that I do very often with my coaching clients, and I've done it here on the podcast as well. If you haven't listened to podcast number 25 that's a great one to start with. That's where I offer a really clear practice of the embodied no for most all of my work, that's where it starts. It's what I offer when you join my rooted membership, that's what I offer with my coaching clients, we get really rooted in our full body. Now this is where the intuition speaks and feminine. The feminine has many superpowers, such as the masculine right. Both the masculine and feminine have incredible qualities. All of those qualities are neutral. There are really positive ways to exhibit those qualities, and then there are distorted or constrictive ways to exhibit those qualities. Now, powerhouse qualities of the feminine are our intuition and our emotional depth, this is wisdom and resources that we have access to that's going to guide us in the right direction for us even before perhaps we know that it's the right direction. But if we are truly embodied, and the feminine woman is embodied, we experience so many things in our bodies. We experience these hormonal fluctuations, these emotional fluctuations. We experience a rhythm of life, a cyclical sequence of life that we can't ignore. We have to reckon with it every 28 days for those of us that are in a menstrual period, between when we get our menstruation, and then when we go through menopause, we live by this rhythm. Even after menopause, the rhythm continues, but at a different pace. Women are embodied. We will feel first in our bodies when something is right or not right for us. So feel into your body, this sense of No, even before your mind starts to overthink it, or second guess it, feeling that No, is you getting into your vessel, your embodied container, that boundaried safe place where you know what's right for you and you know what's not right for you. This is how you'll come into alignment with what is right, with what is best, with your boundaries, before it becomes a fear based reaction. Because if we move into a fear based reaction, that's going to be self defense mode, and that's when the walls start to go up. That's when boundaries create differences and separation between us, and even those we would like to connect with, if we don't, I'm going to give you an example, okay, and I'm I'm relatively certain many, many women listening are going to understand this example at some point in our lives, at some point in our lives, very likely. And look, if this doesn't resonate with you, I'm really glad, I really hope that this doesn't resonate with you. I'm thinking that it will, though, because because, I just think that it will so at some point in our lives as women in relationship, it's very likely that we have said yes to sex when we wanted to say no. Maybe it was maybe it felt fairly innocuous. Maybe we were just really tired at the end of the day, or maybe our partner said something earlier that pissed us off or hurt us. Our partner tried to initiate sex. We thought, Oh, we shouldn't hurt their feelings. We felt that feminine guilt, not wanting to disappoint them. So instead of dealing with disappointment, we ignored our. Full body no and issued a yes instead, and what happens is that plants the seed of resentment. Now look again, amongst consenting adults, and I'm not talking about moments of safety or where consent was forced. I'm talking about in a reasonably healthy adult relationship. At the end of the day, your body said No, you said no, but you issued the Yes. That's a self betrayal that is planting a seed of resentment, and unfortunately, the partner hearing the yes thinks it's actually a yes, can't read our minds, doesn't know that it was really a no, goes ahead, goes through the intercourse, thinking everything's okay, and now the boundaries are blurred, and now we have those seeds of resentment that get planted over and over again. And if we've said yes, but meant no, once, we're likely to do it again. And then eventually we start sleeping with the pillow between us and them. Then eventually we start wearing the clothing that makes us look less sexy. Then eventually we start doing the things that try and get us out of intercourse without having to say the No. Now again, I hope that doesn't resonate with you, because I hope that's never happened to you, but I know it's happened to me. I know it's happened to many women, the fear of disappointment. We actually love our partner normally, or in many circumstances, we actually do want sex. But there was that one time we didn't, that one time we betrayed ourselves, and now the seeds of resentment have planted, and now the boundaries are fuzzy, and now we're drained. And now we're drained of our own life force, energy, and you know what I'm talking about. And that degrades connection between us and our partner, slowly but surely it does. And as feminine women who are desperate, desperate and desirous of connection and intimacy, we can never betray ourselves for exactly this reason, true intimacy comes from clear boundaries and clear energetic lines. If the body says no, we issue the No, no explanation necessary, and that clarity results in connection. It results in truth. It results in authenticity. It results in being aligned with what is truly most sovereign and satisfying for us and the people that love us, I promise you, they want us sovereign and satisfied in every sense of the word. So if recently you have felt that no but issued the yes, go back to podcast 25 do the practice join the rooted membership. Really start to feel your body's constriction versus expansion and understand that intuition is there to protect you and connect you and keep you boundaried as that sacred feminine vessel that you are, so that you can maintain clear connection, so that you can maintain healthy relationships. That sensation, your embodied sensation, it is your answer. No second guessing is necessary. It comes from something deeper, higher, truer that we don't no words need to describe it. You can name it in your own words, and you might but it's a real gift as a feminine woman to have access to that, and I want you to use it as the gift that it is to keep you boundaried and safe. So when we talk about boundaries, again, it's not a layer of protection to try to wall us off from others. If that's what we're doing, it's already too late, and it's likely that's happening because a self betrayal has already occurred. Or even if even not a self betrayal. I know the world we live in, it could just be a general betrayal. Betrayal of any kind, coming from outside or within ourselves does not foster connection. So saying no, issuing our sacred No, deepens connection with others. Phrase of the masculine is yes, the phrase of the feminine is No. When each of these are issued with healthy, truthful authenticity, it deepens connection for us
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 29:31
both boundaries hold up the mirror to those in our lives to ask them to rise into support and nourishment of the feminine boundaries help show others how to treat us. If we've never raised the flag on our needs or desires, they we can't expect them to read our minds. We've got to hold up those boundaries and show them where we are happy. Where we are energetically sovereign. Look, you know, I had a woman express to me recently a deep fear around a vacation, right? Kids go on vacation from school, suddenly they're home, and you've got these few precious hours of the day, maybe to yourself while the kids are away, or maybe you got a few precious hours to yourself before the partner comes home, and then vacations occur, and now all of those hours or that time is gone. And for some women, we only have those few precious hours or moments in the space by ourselves to hold ourselves in a way that we need to, to keep ours not even recharged, but charged enough to keep going. Remember, most of us are our vessels are empty. We're down at 5% I want us at 100% filled with energy, and I want the red flags to start to go off when we're drained to 80% if we get to five, it's way too late. But many of us are walking around at 5% charge draining all the time, holes in our boundaries, holes in our vessels, we can't keep our energy contained, and so those precious moments alone are the only times we feel safe to get our own stuff done, or our self care done, or our practice done, or the things we need to tend to done. And when other people are in our space, we have no boundaries. We cannot say no, and so we just end up completely depleted, and vacation does not feel like vacation at all, I guarantee you, even even though there may be a period of adjustment, even when others are in your space, or vacations are happening, or those hours get washed away somehow when you hold the boundary of you know what, I just need 30 minutes to do this. Or actually, I will meet you later, or I'm going to opt out of this evening when they experience you as restored and refreshed because of your No, even though Yeah, they might be disappointed that you didn't say yes like you normally do. They will learn and understand that your nourishment, your self care, your energetic replenishment, is key. It's key for your happiness, it's key for your well being. It's key for your ability to stay present and connect with them, and they will also want that for you. Those who love you will also want that for you. Your boundaries, my friend, are a love language. They are a love language. They are a love language that says, I care enough to stay authentic with you, and authenticity is really the key for any healthy relationship, whether it's between you and a family member, you and a daughter, a son, a parent, a loved one, an intimate partner, a business partner. Authenticity is key. Without authenticity, connection and relationships really can't happen. They're fake. Your authenticity is key to your connection. And I know it's connection that really allows all of us as humans to thrive. The key to your authenticity is your intuition, your sacred nail and your boundaries creating real clarity in this feminine vessel of yours to hold all of the energy that you have to give to the world, and I need you to give it. So where in your life do you need to shift from resentment to responsibility by setting clear boundaries, taking responsibility for your boundaries, for yourself, for your needs, because your needs are just as important as theirs, if you want some support in setting these boundaries, in the shifts that are absolutely required for your most authentic connections to create this vessel of yours so that you can be boundless in your energy, your creativity, your abundance and your connections with those that you love. You want some support. Come join me. Head over to the satisfied woman.com and First things first, join the rooted membership. That's where I am all day, working with women showing up live, helping you through these shifts. Because I know it can be tough when you start to set boundaries or say No, when you've never said no before, you can feel a little panicked. You can want to collapse. You can want to go silent. Others might be disappointed. We can help you work through that. Me and the other women there are living this daily, and again, rooted is not something additional to put on your plate. It's a place where you go to restore and realize it's time to take things off of your plate and join me for my live guided experience on October 29 where I'm going to take you through the deep work of the book and the course that goes with it, so that you can reclaim your feminine power, because you deserve it, and so do all of the women who walk beside you and who are coming up after you. We're here for ourselves and all of the women in the world who deserve satisfaction, sovereignty and a place that they can call their own. So come join me at the satisfiedwoman.com and I'll look forward to seeing you there and until the next podcast, stay close to your intuition. Get close to your authenticity. Draw those clear, energetic boundaries and stay satisfied you.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
