Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:01
If you know a woman, or if you are a woman who feels like she is not being loved enough, this is the podcast for you. If you feel like you're in a relationship that gives you scraps when you're starving, you're over giving just to get a trickle of the nourishment of love that you need, then you're not alone. And there's also some solutions for you. I'll talk in this episode about why this trap is actually fairly common for women, and how we can end the cycle and get the kind of love that we deserve. Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host, Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied and well loved life on our own terms, visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com make sure you head over there, because I've got lots of resources for you, not just more podcasts and blogs on all these topics, but a link to grab my book, The Way of the satisfied woman, as Well as a free feminine reset series, which is three either audio or video, however you like, to consume your materials lessons that is going to help you to press reset on your whole feminine life. So make sure you go snag that and you'll also learn more about my monthly membership rooted and find out more ways to work with me. So satisfiedwoman.com can't wait to see you there, so I decided on this particular podcast because, as I you know, for those of you watching on YouTube, this will make more sense, because you can see me, and I always like to wear my fancy cowgirl Western outfits. It's I used to ride horses as a kid, and this is just a magical holdover, and I call this my reverse armor. It's how I love to show up for the world. But I saw this necklace in the jewelry box, and it's one that I've had for, let's just say, a really long time. My first very serious boyfriend gave it to me, and it's Moonstone, and I remember seeing it in the window in North Denver in a little store and passing by it again and again and just loving it. Nobody bought it. And every day I'd go by and it was still there, and I'd be excited that it was still there. And I was young and I didn't have money, and at some point, my boyfriend actually did notice that I was admiring this particular necklace, and in the end, it was one of the only real meaningful gifts that he gave to me throughout our several year relationship, and I always thought it was so beautiful that I've kept it all this time. I don't wear it much, but it has a specific meaning, because that was my first experience and not my last, being involved in an intimate relationship where I was giving my all, opening my heart, completely, loving, fully, and not getting that level of reciprocity in return. So I know, because now, of course, I work with many women, one on one, and in my rooted membership, that I was never alone in this experience. Women are having this experience. It's a very common experience, and I'd like to shed some light on it in this podcast, because if that is your experience now or ever, or you know a woman that isn't being loved well enough, let's just get clear on exactly what that means, why that is and how to fix it. Okay, because it's painful. It's painful, it's confusing. It creates deep longing. We're always running after or chasing the love that we need. It has us questioning our worth, because even really good people sometimes don't love us enough. If I'm honest, that first long term boyfriend, he was a really good man. It was bad timing for him. Perhaps he didn't have the kind of emotional capacity or training to really give in. Who knows, there wasn't anything wrong. I just wasn't getting what I needed, and so as many women do, I stayed far too long because every little crumb that I got was just enough nourishment to not let that relationship die. But being in a relationship like this is it's similar to sitting at a banquet table while everyone else is eating, but you're being handed scraps. You're starving, but really slowly, and not in a way that anyone notices, and maybe you don't even really notice. You're getting fed, just enough that you can. To me your day to day living and maybe assume that that hunger is normal. I know that a lot of women either don't recognize this pattern or don't name it out of confusion, which is a problem, and also out of shame. I work with high powered, high achieving, incredibly smart, amazing women who find themselves in patterns like this. It has nothing to do with our aptitude, our intelligence, our capacity, our worth. I think it just has to do with what the world has accepted for far too long. So let's talk a little bit about the emotional experience of being in a relationship like this, where, let's just call it whatever, he just doesn't love you enough. He just doesn't love you enough for whatever reason, and we don't need to diagnose the reasons. Frankly, I don't even I don't know that we even need to know the reasons. But the emotional impact and experience of this is that we ache. We ache waiting for texts or phone calls or connection. We ache waiting for attention from them, and any little bit of attention is like a glimmer of hope in a really dark sky. We ache and we become more confused when there's not consistency. And in relationships like this, there often isn't consistency. This is a relationship that runs cold and hot. This partner just you know, can go completely dry, starving us for days, weeks, months, and then have a miraculous day, moment, weekend, and we live for that and talk in a little bit about why that inconsistency is so dangerous. We also feel increasing amounts of self doubt. Maybe it doesn't begin, because, look, all relationships begin pretty well. We all have our rose colored glasses on. We've got those amazing addictive hormones of early relationship, the oxytocin, the dopamine rush from those loving experiences from a new person as we're discovering them for the first time. And of course, we only reveal ourselves to others in as much as we choose. So we learn over time what is real for a person, and that's there's no way around that really. We have to keep watching behavior, we have to believe them when they reveal who they are, but because those good times in the beginning are so powerful and enriching and dopamine enhancing, we stay. We stay, and that makes sense, because that feels good, and don't kid yourself, and don't fault yourself, and certainly don't shame yourself, because humans are hard wired for connection. We are designed for CO regulation, even in our individualistic DIY, independence, focused and driven culture, we need relationship. Look, I was raised in the 80s on that bandwagon of, I'm a woman, hear me roar, and I don't need a man. But that was the kind of bravado that continued to keep women isolated. There was one more way to exhaust and control us that wasn't the truth. Relationship is healthy. Relationship is desired. Relationship is not weakness. The right relationship can actually enhance, empower and re energize you. The wrong relationship, of course, does exactly the opposite. It erodes your confidence, it diminishes your feminine radiance, and it steals your joy. And here's the really shitty thing, it's actually worse to not be loved enough than to be rejected outright,
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 9:19
because slowly starving or being nourished just enough to sustain we either don't notice that it's happening. It's a prolonged time frame, whereas the outright starvation and death of the relationship sets us free to move on. It may feel more dangerous. It may feel like it will hurt more. But in fact, this slow starvation and breadcrumbing of love over time weakens us. It changes us. It actually changes our thought patterns. It changes our immune system, because that level of complex constant consistently applied. Stress weakens your immune system, amazingly enough, it can create inflammation. I've talked to women who have stayed in relationships like this so long they develop autoimmune disorders. There's research into this kind of thing where prolonged stress because our bodies are not designed for it, trip wire systems and us that create ill illness and poor levels of health. It makes us doubt ourselves. It diminishes our shying guys. It's not it's not good. And the problem is that most of us don't really notice it. It's like the frog in the pot of boiling water. You stick the frog in, when the water is cold, he thinks he's fine, and as the temperature goes up slowly and slowly and slowly, he just thinks it's normal and forgets to jump out. And we all know how that ends. So being stuck in this limbo, in this breadcrumbing of love is toxic, tragic and worse, and we settle for it because we all fear being alone. Now, I know there is a big movement, and certainly I would call it a reaction, that when we've been through relationships like this, we choose ourselves and aloneness and our peace, and we start to believe that there's no alternative to crappy relationships out there, and we try to isolate ourselves. I get it. It's a healing period. I want to affirm that for you, and if aloneness is your jam, okay. However, I also know that you're human, and I also know that you desire relationship and connection, even if you don't right now that that aloneness, especially for feminine women, is not where we thrive. Women are designed for connection, communication, companionship, collaboration, all of these things create deep levels of truth and empowerment and resonance within us. I will say that it is worth being alone over being in a relationship where you're not being loved enough, because there's nothing worse than being in a lot being alone, than being in a relationship that makes you feel like you're alone. Okay, so we settle, we take the scraps, we change our way of thinking, we adjust our attitudes, we play small, and we condition ourselves to over give in hopes of earning love. When you get those miraculous scraps, you will over analyze what it must have been that you did to earn that love, and so you try harder. You over give more, you diminish your anger, you put away your complaints, you You stuff your needs down, you don't speak up, you don't ask you stop talking. Because we have this myth that tells us that any love is better than no love, and one that what ends up happening is something called a trauma bond. Trauma bond is where we have intermittent validation instead of true love. When we become patterned to wanting that little bit of validation that dopamine hit and then we're starved for it, that's a trauma bond. Our trauma is drawing us to this person, and even in just that title, you can hear the negativity and how that's probably not going to last long or end. Well, if that's what the relationship is built on, because the cost of accepting these scraps is that it trains us to dim our desires. We believe that our needs are not with merit that we don't actually need them. We self abandon and lose our aliveness. Instead of speaking up, we shut down. Instead of honoring our yes and no, we just say yes to whatever we think is going to get us that little next scrap. We become exhausted. It keeps us in scarcity. We accept the bare minimum, as if that's all we deserve, instead of holding out for the abundance that is truly ours. And if it's long term, which relationships like this usually are, it reinforces unworthiness and blocks the love that we really want. You can't find the love that you want if you're accepting less than what you deserve, it holds a place for the other person that should be there, and when you train yourself that your needs don't matter, scarcity is fine. That kind of embodiment doesn't radiate to the right person who's going to give you. More than what you ever thought was possible. You need to be resonating with all that you deserve. You need to have a vessel that is ready to receive more than scraps, and that's how they will find you. So it's not that good relationships are impossible or that good people aren't out there. Of course they are. Of course they are. There are good, amazing, wonderful people, masculine men doing the work who want to cherish women, their partners, their families, they absolutely exist. So I will never get on that kind of bandwagon, and I will never encourage a woman to just keep her own peace and don't worry about it. Look again. That is definitely a choice, and it is a better choice than not being loved well enough. But long term, that kind of isolation is also dangerous and debilitating. So be alone when it's appropriate, but when that spark starts to arise, when the desire for connection, CO, regulation, communion, companionship, arises and it will because you're human. Then get ready, because we're going to do a reframe. Let's talk about what real love looks like, because real love, true love, is not sporadic or inconsistent. It's not when they feel like it or at their whim. It's not just to keep us on the hook. It's not conditional. Real love is steady, it's safe and it cherishes you. Real love is something you can count on. It doesn't happen on a whim. It doesn't happen maybe sometimes it holds you in safe. It's a place for you to be exactly who you are, without judgment or shame, and real love cherishes you, cherishes your feminine and never leaves you alone in your pain. That's real love. Write that down, commit that to memory. It's steady, it's safe, it's cherishing, and it provides you with what you need. If you've been listening to a podcast for a while, you know those are the four keys, right? When you have the four keys consistently, you know that you are well loved, because the reality is, you are never asking for too much. This is one of the great worries of women. Am I too much? Am I not enough? You are never asking for too much. You're asking for the right things. You're asking for what you deserve, because just the basics, it still isn't enough. You want a beautiful life where you can make meaning and magic with your partner as much as possible, and they support you, and they offer what they can contribute, and they cheer you on, and they hold you up, and they are not diminished or offended by your authority and power. True partnership is going to mean that you are chosen every day, that you are loved, every day, that every day this person wakes up and says yes to another day with you. Now that doesn't mean that there's no conflict. There's conflict in every relationship, but when you have conflict, you're confident that no matter the outcome of the conflict, your partner still will always have your back. That's safety, that's emotional safety, that's a powerful, masculine home that you can rest in when your partner chooses you, every day, they prioritize you and the relationship over all else, all decisions are made with your and the relationship's highest good in mind, that's the driving focus that becomes The purpose, not them first and you maybe later. So what do you
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 19:04
do if you know that you're not loved enough in a relationship, that he isn't choosing or cherishing you, that it isn't safe for you to be who you are, because you might be who you are on a day where he loves you less, when you walk on eggshells to get the scraps that still don't nourish you in the way you deserve. So I've got five steps that you need to take in order to make sure that you are being loved in the way that you deserve. Number one, get radically honest. Is this love enough for me now I talked a little bit about the necklace at the beginning of the podcast here, and even as a young woman, and maybe because everything was so fresh for me at the time, I had this sense after year two and a half edging into year three, that my needs weren't. Getting met, that he had a different agenda, and that I wasn't being loved enough. I had this sense, but I wasn't honest with myself about it. I thought this is what love was, and I thought it could be enough for me, but if we practice radical honesty with ourselves, and trust me, the feminine is truth seeking. It wants your truth first, and it wants to find the truth in all the world around you. If you ask yourself honestly, is this enough for me? Would this be enough for me for the rest of my life? And if the answer is even something close to No, that's good to know. That's your first step, because the second step is to stop confusing scraps with a feast. Once you realize this isn't enough, you're gonna get hungry. I mean, imagine being served a beautiful dinner and it's only your plate is only 1/3 full. You want to eat. You want to enjoy life. You want to participate and consume all that life has to offer, especially in love. So these scraps that you're getting, this inconsistent breadcrumb happening is not love. Stop confusing scraps with a feast and name it out loud, maybe to yourself, maybe to him. Look, this inconsistency isn't beating me. It's not serving me. I'm not getting enough here, and it's not because I'm asking for too much. It's because I'm asking for what I know I deserve. Because step three is you rooting into your self worth. There's a reason why my monthly membership is called rooted. That's our sovereign space is being rooted, anchored into our intuition that tells us this is not satisfying. And trust me, we want to all be the satisfied woman, if you truly because you might not right now, especially because, again, I find that relationships where we're not being loved enough, they tend to be really long term. We stay we get used to being starved. We get used to less. So if it's eroded your self worth, you may have to pretend a little bit go back to your earlier self and ask if you if you fully believed that you were worthy of real love, what would you do if you fully believe that you are worthy of a safe, cherishing partner who loved you and was steady and provided you with what you need. What would you do? Would you stay, or would you go? What would your best friend tell you, if she could just let it rip and let you have it without consequence? But some best friends do, some best friends do, but some best friends, you know, they cheer us on with whatever choices that we make, even though those choices are questionable and they're there to love us through them. Some friends speak up. Some friends stand by. I don't know what kind of friends you have, but if it was your best friend who spoke up, what would she say or he say? Because step four is taking action that honors your worth as a woman, and I know that women have been devalued for too long. That is part of what this culture does, and in turn, we believe it, and we devalue ourselves, and that's nobody's fault. It's just the setup this culture, this world, wasn't made for us. We're fixing it. Don't worry, one satisfied woman at a time. But what would you do? Take action that honors your worth. You can set boundaries. I talk a lot about that, creating that vessel of receptivity that you can hold with your boundaries, of your clear yes and no, your intuitive hits that say this isn't right for me, or this is so you can start by setting boundaries if I don't get this consistency, if I don't feel safe, if you can't provide the simple things that I need, this isn't a safe home for me if I'm not cherished, if I'm being gaslit, if I'm being dismissed, if I'm being swept under the rug, if my needs don't matter, then I'll need to walk away. So you set boundaries, or you straight up walk away, or you make a clear ask. Now my favorite method of asking, especially when it comes to a request with the masculine, is you start with how something makes you feel. You name the exact task or behavior that you need or want, and then you stop talking. So for example, Hey, masculine partner who says he loves me but only acts like it every third day, I would feel deeply cherished. If, when I bring up a problem, you would listen and help me find a solution that really feels good to me, and then you stop talking, no more over explaining and no more apologizing for who you are or what you need be. Step five is that you commit to not settling any more. When you do that, when you anchor in your sovereignty, your satisfaction and your feminine power, then it is only exactly what you need that will show up for you, when you self betray, when you compromise yourself when you believe that they tell you you're not valuable, then you collapse, you diminish, and then this is why it feels acceptable for this other person to treat you this way. Now again, it's nobody's fault. It's just recognizing the pattern and knowing that when you rise when you commit to yourself, when you commit to not settling. And the only option for this other person is either to rise up into exactly what you need, or for you to realize that they never could and never will. And it's time to move on, because either way, whether this person does get his shit together or not, you need to leave room for the love that can meet you fully. And the only way the feminine leaves room is by creating that receptivity, that vessel of receptivity, that vacuum that lets everything that you need rush in. That vessel is created by your clear boundaries, by your honesty with yourself, by never self, abandoning your clear yes and no, your intuition. When you have that, then the only thing that goes in the vessel is exactly what you need to live the most meaningful and satisfied life, because you are not here for scraps. You are here to be deeply and fully loved for all that you are. This world is hard enough without it. So anchor in your truth, stop playing small. Never Settle. Choose Yourself and invite the love that you've been waiting for and maybe consider what being loved would actually look like for you, because when you understand, when you know, when you feel, what that would be like, you'll never settle for anything else again. So if you need help, and frankly, you know, women really do best with support. I know that our culture values individuality and doing it yourself, and, you know, not needing anybody else, but women really aren't built that way. We're built for connection and communion. All humans are built for relationship, but especially the feminine woman. We need support, collaboration, communication, and this is one of the reasons why I created my rooted membership, because women need a place to freely speak about things like this, where they're not shamed, where they're not diminished, where they're understood, where they're held, where their feminine rhythm has a place to settle, where their nervous system can re regulate so they're prepared to go out into the world and get exactly what they need. So if you need support, come join me in my rooted membership, and you know where to find it, the satisfied woman.com and at the very least, start by grabbing my feminine reset session and give yourself at least a little bit of the support you need to walk the way of the satisfied woman. Because, more than anything, this work that I do, this movement, is about allowing every woman, every woman, to achieve the meaning, the magic, the sovereignty and the satisfaction that she deserves.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
