Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 0:00
I think men have been asking since time immemorial, what do women want? Well, I'm going to answer that question for you on this podcast. So ladies, if you're listening, go ahead and turn this one over to your guy, or pass it off to a wonderful man that you know with a big heart who's just looking for the answer to how to truly satisfy his woman, because what women really want is actually not that complicated, so I'll demystify it for you. Here we go. Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to women and the men who love them to lean into their femininity, or for today, their healthy masculinity, and rediscover the power of their gifts. We'll take a look at what it means to be a modern woman or a modern man, looking to love one, and how we can live a fully satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfiedwoman.com there's a lot for you there. And guys, you know, I've been hearing from a lot of you that you've dived in and are actually reading my book The Way of the satisfied woman. And I keep getting you reaching out saying, oh my gosh, if only I'd read it earlier. It demystified so much. Now, I know I wish I had read this when I was younger, and I'm still getting the question, what do women want? This is the same question you've been asking for decades. And here's the truth, most of you are over complicating it. It's not about the flowers, it's not about the commas in the bank account, or really the fancy dinners or how many inches you're packing, although, look, if you're proud, be proud. What women really want is to feel satisfied, deeply, soulfully, undeniably satisfied, and to get there, we need four things from you, safety, security, trust and cherishing. These aren't just nice to haves. These are the bedrock, the foundation, of a turned on, fully feminine, satisfied woman. Now, this is the kind of woman that many guys say they want, but often just don't know how to hold. So I'm going to break it down from you, not from a place of you've been doing it wrong or missed expectations, but really from a place of invitation. This is for the guy listening who just wants to do better, who wants to unlock those four keys so that not only can his woman be satisfied, but in turn, so can he literally, this makes everybody happy. So if you're a man who wants to truly satisfy a woman, listen up. Here's what to do now we're going to start with these four keys. These are the essential things again, safety, security, trust and cherishing. So let's start with safety. Four Keys to a woman's satisfaction. Start with safety. Safety comes for the woman through masculine protection. Okay, so all of these four keys, a woman on her own has a chance of providing these four keys by herself. But one thing that I know, and I know because I talk to a lot of women and I am one, thank you. You're welcome. Is that it's almost impossible to provide them all to ourself all the time. This world was not built for us. We live in a masculine dominated patriarchy. The World Values masculine qualities more than feminine values, and so we have to fight really hard to get these four keys established. But these are the things that we absolutely need in order to feel a sense of satisfaction. So we'll get them one way or the other. We'll fight like tooth and nail to do it by ourself if we have to. But please help us out. Take the burden off, because your masculine contribution to these four keys is essential, and it will completely transform a woman's life, heart and soul, so that first key safety you offer a woman's safety with your masculine protection. So just as femininity has really important essential qualities like intuition, emotional depth, receptivity, creativity, pleasure, masculinity has powerful qualities like protection, guidance, leadership, providership, nurturing, cherishing, direction, getting things done like we each on all sides, both sides of the coin have powerful things that we do so to provide the feminine safety. She wants your protection. Most importantly, protect her peace. The feminine cannot relax without it. She. Safety isn't about being a big guy with a gun. It's not about you protecting her with your physical body, although, yes, that can also be helpful. It's really about the energy that you bring into the room with her. Do you protect her peace or do you give her chaos? Okay, avoid chaos at all costs. Peace is where it's at. Do you make her feel safe in her own body around you? The feminine is an embodied soul. She will feel things in her body even before she knows them with her mind. The masculine is very much in the mind with his logistics and thinking, and will sometimes forget to feel things right. Neither one is better than the other. They are just different. But if you're with a feminine woman, can you make her feel safe in her own body around you? That could be with compliments, that could be with physical touch, that could be with never diminishing her physical form, and maybe most importantly, do you create space where she can unravel without punishment? The feminine is emotional. It is like being in the eye of a storm all of the time in here, and we will devolve into overthinking and over feeling if we are not protected, if we cannot unravel safely. I like to think of the masculine as the mooring ball in a stormy sea. And the mooring ball is what the sailboat anchors to, and knows that it won't move, it won't be washed away. So can you be that mooring for her? Let her get wild, because the feminine is wild, the feminine is untamed. Our culture has given us this wrong impression that the feminine is meek, mild, soft, soft spoken. You know, without needs, those are all incorrect. The feminine has great needs. She is wild. She has emotions. She can be unpredictable, but you can be that mooring for her, that solid post that she ties herself to and counts on. But can you create space where she can unravel without punishment, where she's not looked in the eye and said, Baby, you're crazy. Oh, you're just on your period. You're having PMS, do not punish her for the thing that is uniquely and soulfully hers, which are her emotions and her intuition. Protect her by celebrating them as a masculine partner. You can protect her time. You can protect her space. You can protect her emotions. You can protect your sense of freedom, and when we feel protected, we soften when we know our time is protected. You know what, baby, I'm going to cancel those plans because I can see you're overwhelmed when we know our space is protected. You know what? I'm going to ask these guys to leave because I can see you're tired when we know our emotions are protected, Baby, tell me whatever you got. I'm here to hold it. And when we know our freedom is protected, maybe I will do whatever it takes to make you safe. We soften and trust me, guys, that's what you want. Okay, so that's that's key number one. You ready for key number two. Key number two is security be the provider of structure. You give a woman security with your sense of providership. Providership is a central quality of the masculine and in traditional, archaic forms of masculinity, providership just meant going out, getting a job and bringing home the bacon. No, we, I mean, money is great. We love money, but it's not about that. It's about the structure. A satisfied woman doesn't need a rich man. A satisfied woman needs a man with a plan. Okay? Security isn't just financial anymore, especially these days, women have the ability to make their own money. Sometimes women will make more money than you do. Get over it. Don't worry about it. Okay? Again, we love your money. We'll take it. It's fine. It's going to be a part of our life together. But no matter where the money is made, and let's hope we're all making all of it, okay, no matter where it's made, the masculine providership comes with his structure. So can you provide a plan for our life? Can you lead our life with clarity? Can you lead can you make some decisions for us? I mean, whether it's what we're having for dinner or where we're going for Sunday brunch, or what activity we're going to do on the weekend? Can you hold the container of our life decisions? Can you provide structure for our life,
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 9:49
even if your woman makes more money than you do? I have a great example of this. I have a couple of friends that I know. They're married. She is a fractional CEO. She works from home. On the internet all day long. She makes her own schedule, calls her own shots, and he is a police officer. I mean, doesn't get much more masculine than that to be a police officer. Now that's holding structure and space for the whole world. But policemen don't make much. They just don't. And as a fractional CEO, she actually makes a really amazing income. So even though there's an imbalance of finances, there is not an imbalance of providership. He provides the structure. He helps make the decisions not out of control or power. Okay, listen up, guys, control and power are distortions of the healthy masculine energy of leadership and structure. Leadership and structure, yes, control and power absolutely fucking not. Okay. Control and power come from a place of love or excuse me, come from a place of distortion leadership and structure come from a place of love. When the man loves the woman, he provides the structure that lovingly holds her, he provides the leadership that guides them both to the greatest outcome for their relationship, not in a vacuum, not on his own. This is not unilateral decision making. This is always having the lady's best interest in mind, and yours too. But a collective best interest structure is what allows the feminine to flow. Because we will. We will, when we have a boundaried space, we will fill it up with our energy, with our creativity, with our receptivity, with our abundance, with our joy, with our pleasure, with our beauty, with our excitement, with our enthusiasm. You know, gentlemen, you know that the thing that attracted you to your gal first was seeing her across the room and that bright sparkle that she had, that uncontained, wild feminine energy that was so bright you noticed her right away. If you want her to keep that, it's your providership that will do it, that structured plan for a life that holds both of you in the highest regard. All right, that's number two. Ready for key number three. Ladies need trust now, for their part, okay, and I talk about this all the time on my podcast and my book, wherever I can talk about it. I talk about these four keys all the time anywhere, by the way, because we all need them. Ladies need them. You can help us with them. It's very difficult to do on our own. For a woman, she needs to trust herself by trusting her emotions and her intuition. Now this is going to become incredibly important here in a moment, but bear with me. Emotions and intuition are the key. Feminine decision making forces and they are valid. Okay? They are valid. Masculine decision making forces are logic and reason. Now, there is a reason why they're different for each of us, because all of these things are required to go into a good decision. In totality, if you are simply logicing and reasoning your way through a decision, it will be devoid of heart or intuition, and it might not, it might be the wrong decision. Anyway. I can't tell you how often I see this, especially when it comes to financial matters, people squeeze themselves into a decision that doesn't feel good, and at the end, they are fucked. Okay, no one will ever benefit from ignoring their intuition, but particularly the feminine woman, if she is forced into making a decision that doesn't feel good, simply because she is told it's not logical, it is not the right decision for her and she will then begin to question her own power of intuitive, intuitive knowing and emotion. If you have a woman that questions her own intuition and her emotional depth, everyone is in trouble when women start ignoring that, and they have ignored that for far too long, everyone is in detriment because it's a woman's emotion and intuition that signal the first sign of things need to shift when a woman has an emotional response or an intuitive hit, she will know before everyone else that things need to go in a different direction. She's like the canary in the coal mine in that regard. Okay, so women need to trust their emotional depth and their intuition. Now the masculine provides trust. We can trust the masculine if you are loyal to us in your choices. If you are not loyal to your lady in all the choices you make, she cannot fully trust you trust is built when your woman is top of mind. Mind always when you're her first thought in every action you take, she will trust you. Do your decisions reflect her well being, even if she's not around? Do you always decide with her well being in mind? Do you honor her intuition even when you don't understand it? Because you love her. Are you trustworthy in even the quiet moments, the text that you didn't send, the scroll you didn't rabbit hole down, the comment that you didn't make when she's not looking, can she still trust you? You know, betrayal is a very difficult thing to overcome in relationships, and betrayal doesn't just mean infidelity, okay, that's like, that's like, the end stage of betrayal. Betrayal starts when you make a decision without her. That's the first chink in the armor of trust. So anytime you think, Oh, I don't need to tell her about this, or she doesn't need to know, or it's better if I don't tell her, or, oh my gosh, I better not let that slip. Let me not reveal this part of myself. It's a betrayal. It'll start there small, and it will only snowball. And the thing is, guys, I hate to tell you this, but if you're doing that, you're fucked. You're fucked because women know. They know. And when they have that spidey sense, that intuitive sense that they can't trust you or they're being betrayed, this is when they start to betray their own sense of integrity and do things like look at your phone, because if you're not telling them, they have to know the feminine is truth seeking. It will not stop until it knows the truth. So really, the best thing is to just be transparent, be authentic, be real. I promise you, a good woman can handle any truth as long as it's shared up front and she doesn't have to go hunting for it. And I mean, as a woman who has been deeply betrayed and who coaches other women through betrayals, just be up front. Hey baby, I effed up. Here's how I'm so sorry. I know in that moment I didn't have your highest good, but I do now, and please tell me what I can do to make it right. That will go a million miles farther than the quiet betrayal, because we trust you when we know you've got our back, not even just when we're next to you, but in every moment that you walk in the world, when you love your woman that much and you have her back all the time, she will follow you anywhere, anywhere. All right, we're at number four for the four keys, I might love this one the most. At least, I love talking about this one the most. So get ready. This is cherishing. Now, of all the four keys, if a woman is by herself, this is probably the most difficult one for her to provide to herself. The reality is, look, you know, we are relational beings. Women especially were never meant to be alone. 100% of their lives, it's very difficult for us. We are relate. We are communal. We like to communicate. We like to connect. We like to collaborate. That's how we feel the energy of this world, and that's how we experience this world. Is through that collaboration, connection, communication, empathy, and it's not guys that you don't also but you know you can be more well suited into your solo journeys, on your motorcycle ride for the day, your camping trip, or whatever it is that will refresh you for a woman that can actually be really depleting. So just know that the woman needs your connection. So it's very difficult for her to provide this cherishing for herself, and it's incredibly energizing. When a woman has it, it will lift her up. It will fuel her in ways that she may actually have never experienced before. In fact, you know, as I speak, I'm realizing that there are a lot of women who have never experienced the satisfaction and fullness that come from having these four keys in her life and an intimate relationship. And I want you to know that
Alanna Kaivalya, Ph.D. 19:32
this is something you can help her with. This is something you can provide for her, that you can protect her with, you can be trusted with, and you can cherish her with, and this is a gift that it may be the greatest one she'll ever receive in her life. I don't want to overstate it and speak for all women, but I know how difficult it is for women in this world, and I know how difficult it is to find good, big hearted, healthy masculine men who really want to do this for us. Yes, it's not impossible. You're out there, you're listening right now, I get to talk to them all the time. I've fallen in love with one. You know, they definitely exist. So this isn't I am not giving the impression that it's impossible, or that good men are impossible to find. They are out there and you're listening and thank you. Yeah, that was my moment of Thank you. Okay, so key number four is cherishing. This, my dear gentleman, is the ultimate proof of love. Okay, cherishing is not rescuing. Ladies are pretty capable. You know, they can save themselves. This is not co dependency. Cherishing is witnessing. It's being there with her. It's standing in the fire with her, not turning away. It's turning toward turning toward her. So do you abandon her when she breaks down, or you both break down, or you're in an argument? Do you walk away? Do you abandon her that's turning away. Can you stay with her? Instead? A lot of guys will rush in to fix problems or challenges for their woman, which we'll talk about that in a second. The woman needs solutions too, right? We want some fixing, but we don't want fixing in the middle of the storm. We want to first be heard and understood. Okay? So rather than try to get past the discomfort, because I know for many people, people in general, but many men, a woman's emotional storms can be really confronting or uncomfortable. They're uncomfortable for us sometimes too. But if you can stay with it, if you can hold that space, be the mooring, be her safety, provide her structure. Let her trust that you have her back. Don't go away. Don't abandon her in the middle of the fire. Can you hold her until the storm passes? Can you stay present even when her pain makes you uncomfortable? That is relational gold. Okay, here is the definition of cherishing the feminine. Now, gentlemen, if you have a pen or paper available, or you've got your notes app open, please write this down and study it later. It will come in handy. I promise to cherish a woman is to never leave her alone in her pain without finding a pathway to a resolution. Never leave her alone in her pain without finding a resolution. And I mean that. And there will be times that you want to check out, and there will be times that you want to give up, and there will be up, and there will be times where you want to just fix it, and there will be times where you want to just use your rational mind and go around it. There will be times that you might even want to tell her that she is crazy. Please don't do any of that. The best thing you can do is believe her. Believe her if she tells you the house is on fire, and you know what you're using your logical mind, you know that it's not don't say, baby, the house isn't on fire. Recognize that she feels unsafe. Believe she feels unsafe. Provide her safety and when her nervous system calms down, say, How can I help you understand? How can, how can I help you through this? Do you want me to check the house? Do you want me to do a sweep? Why don't, why don't I pull you onto the front lawn? You're safe there. Does that feel good? Okay? We love, we love masculine solutions. Okay, the feminine does? We love masculine solutions when they feel good to us, and all you need to do is check in to see if they feel good. I remember an experience where I was with a masculine partner I had at the time who was driving way too fast, and I said, you know, Can you slow down? And the reaction was suddenly, but I know how to drive. I've had all of this training, and I'm such a great driver, and you should be fine. And that honestly, may all have been true, but that wasn't the point. The point was my nervous system was dysregulated, and one of the greatest benefits of partnership and relationship is CO regulation. Gentlemen, you benefit from it too. So when the lady is dysregulated, when you feel that it's not about convincing her she's not, it's about finding the solution and the pathway, the resolution to making her safe again. And you've got great solutions. Masculine solutions are awesome and often things we won't even think about ourselves, especially if we're in the middle of an emotional Firestorm. So when we are believed, when we are heard and we trust. The man have our backs when you're our mooring, when you provide us that structure, we are going to be so excited about figuring out, figuring out the pathway to resolution with you. We'll want to hear your ideas, and we'll say, Yeah, you know what that does feel good? Or you know what that still feels unsafe, that still doesn't feel great? Okay, so those are the four keys, trust, cherishing, security and safety. You give her safety with your protection. You give her security with your providership. You give her trust with your loyalty, and you give her cherishing by never leaving her in her pain alone. So if you've been wondering what women really want, it's this, not a bigger bank account, not more gym hours, not some alpha male routine from a Tiktok bro, we want to feel safe, we want to feel secure, we want to trust you, and above all, we want to be cherished. And when we have those four things, we will give you the kind of access to feminine radiance that most men only get to dream of. So the question isn't, what do women want? The question is, Are you the kind of man who wants to give it do?
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
