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This is the fourth in a little four episode mini series I've done as part of this podcast. And we're talking about the sacred feminine no and why the phrase no is such a powerful phrase for the feminine, how it keeps us in alignment with our truest and most authentic selves, how it restores our energy, stops us from getting burnt out, how we stop betraying ourselves and actually stand in our greatest power and fullness. Now in the first three episodes, I've given you a background on why this is, on why the no has been used against us, how the yes is draining us. And also a full body ritual, or like a guided meditation to really feel what your sacred no and your sacred yes are. So if you missed those previous three episodes, make sure you go back and listen, and then I'll find you here for episode number four, where we're talking about what this empowers us to do, and how our sacred no enables us to move more clearly into truth, seeking leadership, clarity and next level embodiment of the feminine.
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Welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women reclaim their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com
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and for my podcast listeners, I've created a special page just for you. The satisfied woman.com/empower
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me. This is where you can go to find a special gift I've created. It's a little starter kit with a few things to get you going on your path towards satisfaction, as well as a free invitation to my online community of satisfied women. This is where the conversation continues, and I participate all the time, talking to women about how they're reclaiming their feminine power, stepping into sovereignty, building their own businesses, exiting toxic relationship patterns, you name it, we are tackling it together. So I do hope you'll join me in that community space. So this is the fourth episode in this little series. And the reason why I chose to dedicate four episodes to this arc of the feminine no is because with all the women that I work with, especially the women in my one on one coaching containers, they they really struggle with this. When I post it in our community, when I talk about it in group coaching or private coaching, this is kind of the place where women go, Oh my gosh. And I can see first, the fear around the no like, what will happen if I just stop doing everything for everyone else at all times and myself as well. And that spark of aliveness, that spark of, oh, man, you mean I could relax, I could receive, there's this inner knowing somewhere that this is probably something that needs to happen, and maybe even a feminine birthright, which ladies it is, by the way, but the fear around what happens if I just stop? What happens if I don't do it all?
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Well, here's the thing. You were never meant to do it all. This is one of the great many lies and manipulations that the patriarchy has done such a good job of instilling into this culture. And I've been careful to say all along in all of my podcasts and this series that the patriarchy doesn't mean that men are the problem. Men are actually amazing. The patriarchy also doesn't mean that masculinity is the problem. Masculinity is also amazing. It is the distorted version of any of these energies that is not amazing and that serves to advance those who actually love the power and control that the patriarchy represents. Okay, the patriarchy doesn't actually represent femininity. Well, it also doesn't represent masculinity well. So none of us is at fault here. Really, there are many good people in both the masculine and feminine polarities who want to do better on each of their polarities. I'm here to help women who identify themselves as feminine, but there are many men doing incredible work, and boy do I love men with big, big hearts, so we're not vilifying anybody. We've all been raised in this culture. We're all doing our best, and anytime we're not doing our best, mostly it's the result of improper training. So it's fair to just give everybody a little bit of grace around what they've been taught or what they've been indoctrinated into, and hopefully present this space and the opportunity for them to rise into the best version of themselves. Now for us as feminine women, if we just keep doing everything for everybody at all times, at all costs, and certainly at all costs to ourselves, we're not letting anybody rise in anything. We are, in fact, in that mode, donning the mask of the masculine, which.
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Question, I know from personal experience, feels unbelievably heavy when we step out of our feminine polarity, out of our feminine comfort zone, and the world tells us to look this, this culture, this world. It was not built for us.
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It was not built with us in mind. It was not built for our benefit. It was not built to center femininity. It was not built to prize the incredible gifts of the feminine intuition, emotion, feeling, pleasure, creativity. It wasn't built for that. It wasn't built to center that. It was built to center individuality, which, you know, is basically disconnection. I mean, we as women have been taught to compete with each other, as opposed to communicate and collaborate with each other. That kind of individuality is isolation, and any human in isolation is a human that is able to be controlled. So I'll let you unpack that one that's, you know, a bummer. That's why you know this is not, we are not here as individuals on this planet. We are here as relational beings on this planet. I mean, try going through life all by yourself, on your own with no one around. Some point you're gonna invent you're gonna you're gonna bump into somebody, and you'll have to know what to do with them, and they will cause you pain and they will cause you grief, or they will cause you joy and they will cause you connection. And that's part of the amazing flavor of life, and part of this incredible relationality that actually does empower us requires us to really embody and embrace whichever polarity feels most right for us and for those of us who identify as feminine women, that means finding spaces, places, people, relationships, careers, communities, circumstances that allow us to remain In our feminine now I know that that is difficult because we live in a patriarchy. It is not yet dismantled. There are some places, spaces and relationships that are not safe. I get it. And so we're going to do the best work we can. We're going to do the best job we can. We're going to start with ourselves.
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We're going to center our own femininity as much as possible, and then we're going to very finely and carefully curate our lives as much as we can, to find those places, spaces and relationships that allows for us to keep our femininity centered and that cherishes our femininity. It is possible. It's not easy, and I wish it were easier. Trust me, I do, but that's why I'm here with my community and my book and all the things to try and support you. And through this work, I hope that it will become easier. And as you do this, I'm hoping that it will pave the way for all of the women around you, as well as the women who come after you, to do it a little more easily.
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You know, when one of us rises, all of us rise.
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And one of the foundational places this is going to begin is honoring our No, in my last podcast, you'll have gone through a we could call it a ritual. We could call it a little guided meditation practice, where I introduced you to the easiest and cleanest way for you to feel and identify both your no and your Yes, and then hopefully a promise to yourself to always heed those answers and follow them from here on out. This is your intuition speaking.
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This is that part of you that knows beyond knowing, that will understand beyond understanding that defies logic and reason, that doesn't have to be figured out. You don't have to plot your intuition and emotions on some sort of graph for them to be believed or validated. They are valid and believable as they are, and they are cherished
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direction givers and communications from the depths of your soul that are there for a reason. I always think of intuition as the ancestry, the wisdom of my foremothers coming through the generations to speak to me that they went through the dangers and the challenges and the hardships. Because no matter what we're living through right now,
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I guarantee that every woman who lived before us had it harder,
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as hard as we have it now and we do still not fixed. We're still not better
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as hard as we have it now, right now, we actually have more choice, more power and more agency than we ever have,
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and I want us to exercise it, and it's going to start with that clear, yes and clear, no. There is no mystery as to what boundaries are. You know, we don't need to pick up any more books or go to weekend seminars, your boundaries as a feminine woman are simply your clear, yes and your clear, no, and honoring them without fail. That's it. That's you as a boundary woman, clear, yes, clear, no, never failing to heed them. Your clear, yes and your clear, no come from your emotional.
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Depth and your intuition, they are a part of who you are. You can figure them out later. You can put words to them later, if you want, if you need that logic and reason, it will probably be Hindsight is 2020. In this regard, we don't always know why the intuition speaks or why the emotions crop up, but we do know them to be true on the inside for ourselves.
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So when we've got this clear yes and clear No, when we've identified it, when we have it, when we have the commitment to ourselves to never betray ourselves again, and to heed the yes and no at all costs this. This is our doorway into leadership, into authenticity, into creative power, into never giving ourselves away again, because we know we are valuable and when we value ourselves, not only will it help those around us to value us, but we will instill in our young women their value before they have to learn it the hard way, like we did.
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Look I I can only teach this and talk about it because I've been there and I understand it. I, you know, I didn't. I wasn't raised in a vacuum. I was raised in the patriarchy. I was raised with the narrative that not only can I be and do anything I want, but I should, and I should also do everything for everyone else as well, and never ask for anything for myself. And so that led me to create a business that was very successful. It led me to marry a man who looked good on paper, but was not my right person, and I felt the power of that no unheeded for years.
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I know how it feels to say yes at all costs, and it cost me my health. It cost me so much time. It cost me not pursuing what was true to me, but what I thought everybody else thought I should be doing.
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And when I owned a business that was successful, when I was married to a man who looked good on paper, I could no longer ignore this no and I decided to blow the whole thing up. I got the divorce, I sold the business, and I went full tilt Boogie into this endeavor, because the clearest and truest part of me said, Alanna, you have to bring this wisdom to women. You've been studying it for years. You have to help them.
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And so I did. It's not just a pivot. I wouldn't call this a pivot. This was like a full life exhumation, just unburying the most varied parts of myself and bringing them into the light. And even though they were raw and unproven and questionable. I brought them out, and here I am. Here I am. Look, I've been studying this work for years, but I was always afraid to center it. Probably like many of you are afraid to center yourselves or your passion or your creativity. Probably like many of you are afraid to walk away from what the culture or your family says you should be doing day to day, whether that is your career or whether that is raising your children in the detriment of your own passions. Who knows right? Who knows what this is for you? But if you've honored a yes for too long, that is inauthentic, I can say to you clearly, my friend, that it will be to your detriment eventually, and whether the detriment is a life unlived, a health concern, we feel these things deeply,
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but if we are brave to say our No, if we can honor our yes and move toward it, then we are not exposed and dangerous. We are telling our truth.
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And one of the things that I do in my book The Way of the satisfied woman, is I take back the ownership of truth as feminine look. The masculine has its truth too. The masculine truth will be found with logic and reason, with ledgers and paper, with goal setting and key performance indicators and metrics and all that's fine. That is definitely a certain kind of truth, and I don't diminish that at all. But for the woman, our truth lives on the inside, our truth lives first as a feeling, and then we live our way into it without having to prove ourselves, and eventually
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we come to know the truth of it and the rightness of it, but it may not be explainable in the beginning, and that's okay. That requires trust, that requires love, not just of ourselves, but from those who say they trust us and love us.
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Truth telling comes as a result of.
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The feminine Inquisition? Yeah, I know that word has a triggering effect. I fought with my publisher over it as I wrote it into the book, and they said, Are you sure you want to use Inquisition? And I said, Absolutely. I said, because we as women need to take that back. To be inquisitive is to question our surroundings, to question our reality, to question whether this is actually right for me, for us, for my community, for my tribe, for my culture, for everyone around me, we need to question because what was right once and what was good once may not be right and good forever. I
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may not be right and good forever. I mean, think about it. We believed as a human race once that the world was flat and boy, oh boy. We fought wars over that one.
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Well, guess what? The world isn't flat anymore, and now we know that to be true. We've actually been to outer space and objectively looked back at the earth and seen it as a mostly sphere. It's a little squishy, but it's mostly sphere. We thought at one point that the earth was at the center of the universe, and boy, we fought wars over that one too. And you know what? We know we're not even in the center of our galaxy.
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So truths change,
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and the one who knows it first is the feminine.
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They often talk about us as being the canary in the coal mine. It's a sad story, but coal miners used to bring a little canary in a cage down with them, because those tiny, little, delicate lungs would be exposed to that toxic air and would actually die first. And it was then that the coal miners would know that this air wasn't safe to breathe. And then they would leave, but left to their own devices. They would probably ignore the headaches, they would probably ignore the blurrier vision. They would probably push on through, because that's the masculine trait, and we love that masculine trait when it's time to ignore some difficulty and push on through, but when it is at the detriment of those around us, it is no longer beneficial to anyone.
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Now, the feminine feels the detriment first, even before it makes sense to those around us, and so for us to speak up and say, Hey, this doesn't feel right. No, there's a different way. Is precious, is sacred, is feminine leadership.
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Now for those who aren't ready for that, our No, our discomfort, our voice, our speaking up, our inquisitiveness will feel like danger.
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It will feel threatening. And these are some of the things that the patriarchy has done really well to center and this is why witches were burnt at stakes. This is why women weren't allowed to vote. This is why we weren't even allowed to even have our own bank account. Until the mid 70s, we had to have a male co signer. You can't give a woman money. What is she going to do with it? Well,
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she's not going to keep it for herself, that's for sure. She's going to give it away. Statistics say she's going to use her money to benefit her community.
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When women question it threatens the control and power that the patriarchy want,
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but the healthy but the healthy masculine isn't worried about it. The Healthy masculine actually is grateful for this Inquisition, for this emotional depth. The Healthy masculine wants this information first, just like an Oracle from the heavens to know that he is on the right track, putting his effort and energy in the right direction, because boy who wants to waste all that effort and energy if it's ultimately not going to get you where you want to go, and the healthy masculine cherishing the feminine, listens to her
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and changes course in such a way that everyone benefits.
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Everyone benefits
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so your no allows you to stop hiding. Your no allows actually everyone around you to benefit more greatly. It allows course corrections where things once were fine but maybe you need to be a little bit different. Your no isn't just to protect you, it's to protect and cherish all of those that you love.
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Your no is critical for your joy, for your pleasure, for your happiness, and for the joy, pleasure and happiness of all those around you, because a woman
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is the emotional regulator of her space. I wish that weren't so I know it's a lot of emotional labor. I get it, but it's true. That's what we're good at. That's what we're looked to for. But when our family relationships communities respect and understand that
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they will work to help foster it, center it
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now, research shows that it is the happiness of the woman in the household. It is absolutely critical
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for the eventual happiness, self regulation and resilience for any children who grow into adults as a result of being in that household.
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So that old saying, If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, is true. Mama has to be happy, because if she's not, she can't properly calibrate the space. She can't properly get the help she needs to make sure that everyone is at their best, doing their best, because if they're not, she's not, and vice versa. So this is like a community effort. Your no is sacred, not just for you, but for all around you. And when you hold your No, when you don't give it away, you allow everyone else to rise into their best selves. You must create that vacuum.
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You'll allow everyone else to support you and prop you up. It gives you visibility. It gives you a voice. It allows you to be creative, and I mean, to create something new out of what no longer works.
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This is Feminine Empowerment. This is like the crux of it, and I understand that it's scary. I know I know the history. I know that women in the past who said no or spoken up
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have been vilified or worse.
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And I would never advocate a no or speaking up for any woman where it would cause more danger or a harm, so be careful.
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But in the places where you can say no and speak up, you must
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not just for your own benefit, but for those around you, it's literally a public service, and I know how important that is to all of us, we as women, are so careful not to be selfish. But the amazing thing is, is that our well being is the calibrating factor for the well being of all those around us.
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This is how we build a life that satisfies holding the boundary of no creating that boundary allows for a breakthrough for all those around us who have not had the opportunity to listen to it, who have not had the opportunity to rise into that vacuum created by it and show us their gifts, demonstrate their generosity, lean in to what it is we're creating for ourselves and for them.
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You don't have to shout, you know.
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You just have to mean it.
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You have to live from it,
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and when you do your whole life rearranges around your truth.
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The feminine is truth seeking, and your truth is meaningful.
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So here's to embodying and embracing you now. Here's to living your truth, and here's to the whole world around you benefiting from it.
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Be that feminine Lear, be that empowered woman who changes her life and then all the lives that come into contact with
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and if this is something that you want, if this is something that inspires you, then I hope that you will join me in the satisfied woman community. Head over to the satisfied woman.com/empower
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Me. Start with your starter kit. Grab that starter kit. Join my free online community, and there's more opportunities to engage with me there. I do have different membership levels. You're welcome to join the one where you get a free workshop with me every month, a chance to sit with me and answer ask me questions. I also have a small group coaching where we as a group of women work together on the hard things and supporting each other through them. And then I also have one on one coaching as well, and the ability to help women start their own sovereign businesses, so that you have the power of your own finances to make the best choices possible. I'm doing everything I can to empower women and to help them reclaim their femininity, and I certainly hope that you will join me. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. I hope this series has offered you something, and at the very least, I hope that it's helped you find and center your sacred NO YOU.
