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This is the second in a little mini series of four podcast episodes where I'm diving into the power of no for the feminine, no is the most powerful phrase of the feminine. Our sacred no helps to preserve our pleasure and our receptivity, and it puts us right inside of our own feminine power. Now if you're curious about that, I unpacked why that is and why it's so empowering for you in the episode just before this one. So make sure that you listen to them in order, so that you get the full context of why no is actually empowering and not as scary as it might feel when I call it out, and I know that when I've been speaking about this sacred no to women, they feel both a bit triggered and scared, but also kind of intrigued. Like, wait a minute, I don't have to do everything, my friend. No, you do not welcome to the satisfied woman podcast. I'm your host. Alanna Kaivalya. This podcast is dedicated to helping women lean into their femininity and rediscover the power of their feminine gifts. We take a look at what it means to be a modern woman and how we can live a satisfied life on our own terms. Visit the hub at the satisfied woman.com and for my podcast listeners, I've created a special page for you at the satisfied woman.com/empower Me. When you go there, you'll have the opportunity to get a free little starter kit that gives you a few items to get started on your journey towards satisfaction, as well as an invite into my free community at the satisfied woman. Now this community is an incredible and empowered place for women just like you and me to continue this conversation of what makes us more satisfied. And trust me, ladies, I want that for all of us, so I hope you'll consider joining me the satisfied woman.com/empower.
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Me. All right, so this is
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the second in my little mini series that I'm offering of this podcast of the power of No. And in the first podcast, I went through why the dynamics of no are actually so important to a woman, for us to be able to feel and experience fully our pleasure, to reclaim our energy, and to make sure that we have the energy for when we are ready and want to say yes. I also talk about the detriment of personal betrayal when we say yes but mean No, and why that leads to resentment and disconnection from ourselves. So make sure you listen to that episode first. If you haven't yet, go back and check it out. And either way, look, I'm glad you're here. I am. I am doing this work because I want to reach women at this time we live in this incredible, sacred time where we have more power, more choice, more agency than we've ever had before, and I want us to lean into it in the best way possible, which is why I've established the satisfied woman.com. Written the book The Way of the satisfied woman. And for those of you who are watching this podcast on YouTube, but you can see it, it's actually really beautiful. My publisher did an amazing job. The book is a great place to start. The community is a great place to start. I also do private one on one, coaching with women. I help them build sovereign businesses. I talk them through crappy relationships, get rid of those toxic cycles. I'm really in it. And one of the things that has been fascinating, and the reason why I'm doing this series on no is because it's one of the first things that when I start to talk about it with women, they really, I guess the word would be, get triggered. They feel a little triggered, and not because they don't think that it feels correct or right, but that maybe they've never given been given permission to say no, or maybe they've never been called out on how much they say yes and actually betray themselves. No is we're coached in our society, in our patriarchal culture that the value of a woman really resides in her yes, we look at issues of even harm toward women, and it wasn't that long ago that when a woman was harmed that she was often blamed for that harm herself. We're starting to move out of that. We're starting to realize that women have their own voice, their own agency, that they don't have to do everything. We're right on the cusp of women being in their fullness and being accepted in their fullness. We're not there yet. I wish we were. There. Is still work to do, which is one of the biggest reasons why I wrote this book and have this community so that we can start to dig in and do the work and have support in doing that work. I am so interested in all of us making sure that we have the support we need to become the most satisfied women possible. So what the no is is truly a sacred boundary. Okay, it's a boundary. For us as women and throughout the patriarchy. And you know, there's some speculation as to how long it's been around, but it's at least 3000 years, perhaps even 8000 years. It's had a long time to practice how to keep the feminine small and disempowered so that they can have control over us. And by they, I don't mean all men. By the way, there are amazing, incredible men out there doing incredible work to stay in their healthy masculine I love those men. Those are the men with big, big hearts. So it's not the patriarchy doesn't do a good service for the masculine either. Patriarchy really benefits no one, except for those cruel people who truly buy into it and they haven't done the work. It's okay. You're here doing the work. There are men doing the work. There are lots of humans doing the work. We are just getting together and really organizing our work here in the satisfied woman to center the feminine and empower her, or really re empower her, so that she can stand in her power and offer her gifts to the world in a way that isn't over giving, in a way that isn't over offering, in a way that isn't betraying our own boundaries and sense of self, in a way that isn't centering the needs of others while diminishing our own okay, because when women lose Actually, everyone does research shows That old saying that my my mother used to love if mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy. Do you guys know that saying? Well, research shows that's actually true. You see, women are the emotional regulators of their relationships, families and communities. We just are. That's part of our nature, that's part of what we're good at, that's part of how we connect and, you know, foster compassion with others. That's part of how communities are built. And as of late, that has resulted in a lot of emotional labor, and it has also resulted in a lot of us being taken advantage of in that way. And I don't love that, but it is what it is, and it is what we're good at, and I want us to create spaces, places, communities, relationships, where our emotions are cherished and our boundaries are honored, and that is going to start with us as individuals, truly doing what we can to enforce those boundaries. Now I know boundaries have a lot of talk these days in therapeutic circles, and there are a lot of people who go to therapy just to work on their boundaries. I'm not saying stop, but what I'm offering in this episode of the podcast is actually a really easy breakdown of boundaries. Okay, you don't have to read a whole book about it. You don't have to go through a million sessions of therapy to understand them. For the feminine woman, the boundary simply is your own sacred Yes, or your own sacred No. So when you from the inside, in your intuition, in your emotional depth feel that no but you don't honor it, you're actually violating your own boundary. Now that's a self betrayal. I talk about that in the first episode, and when you betray yourself, you then eventually lead yourself to resentment, to burn out, to high stress levels, which can lead to health complications and problems. You know, women suffer from autoimmune disorders at a far greater pace than men do. I believe that constant stress has tremendous health detriment, especially for the woman. So I want to demystify something for us as women that our no is going to equal rejection or punishment, that somehow, if we say no, if we just stop doing everything, that we will then be discarded. Well, here's the truth. The world needs us. We are 50% of the equation here, but in many circumstances and regards, we are doing 150% of the work. And my offering to you today is the permission to just stop doing all that work, do the work that's meant for you and leave the work that's not meant for you to someone else. And what that actually does is it creates the vacuum. Now the vacuum is really important, because as the feminine, we are receptive beings. We are meant to take in and take on that which is ours, that which we want to, that which enlivens us, but that vacuum allows for others to be generous with us. Now this is kind of the cosmic trick and the cosmic myth or lie that we live with in this culture, that the culture has said women are only useful for how much they do or how much they give. Think of the milk cow, right? She's essentially, this is pretty cruel, if you don't know this, but she's kept pregnant so that she can continue to give milk, not just for her own baby, but essentially. Plate for everybody else. That kind of depletion and over giving has been translated through our culture to us as women. We give of ourselves every day. We're asked to give continuously. We're asked to almost give freely without proper compensation. I mean, if you think about it, brass tacks. Ladies, you know, we make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes, but we're working as hard. That's an over giving. I
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think it's time we take a stand
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and we create that vacuum, because the universe hates a vacuum,
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and when we say no, when we have that sacred no from the inside, and then we issue it, and we create that vacuum, and we don't rush to fill the space, then those around us will have to, they will have to rise up, and it allows them actually to rise into their fullest and highest selves, and they won't have that opportunity if you don't give them the opportunity, if you just make it okay for them to not pick up their socks, they're not going to pick up their socks if you quietly betray yourself and just clean up after them all the time, what you are saying is, you know what? It's okay that you don't clean, I will do it for you. So in the self betrayal, you're also giving them a quiet permission to not be in their fullest selves and rise up to their greatest potential. Either your Yes, does no one a service. You offer confusion about how you want to be treated. You offer vague ideas about what's actually important to you, and then when you start to ask for things and don't just allow it to be done, it feels wishy washy. It feels confusing when you over commit and then suddenly back off. It feels now like you're flaky, like you can't be counted on, when, in fact, they'd simply been counting on you too much. There will be I know it's going to be scary. I'm here. I mean that I'm here for you. That's why I have the community that when you issue your no likely some in your life will be jarred by it, because they're so used to your yes, they're so used to your Yes. You're like, wait a minute, I am just used to mom driving me to four soccer practices a week. I am just used to my girlfriend always being available when I call her. I am just used to the lady that I'm dating always responding to my texts immediately. I'm just used to that when you set the precedent, then that's how they treat you. When they have to make an adjustment, what you're going to find out is who they really are, and if they're capable of rising up into that space, but they will not rise if you don't allow that space to occur. So you have to, like, lean unapologetically into your sacred No, because the greatest betrayal of yourself is when you feel the no and you say yes instead.
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So
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I know I can hear it. I can, like, hear it through the headphones right now that are producing no sound. I can hear the fear inside my listeners, because I deal with this with my coaching clients, right? So let me give you a wonderful example from one of my one on one coaching clients recently that I just loved because it's simple yet powerful. It's something as an example that we can extrapolate to so many other areas of our life. So this coaching client of mine, she's been married for over a decade, and she has a high need for cleanliness around the house, which is fine, I get it, and she's really fed up with the fact that the husband doesn't clean up after himself when he makes his lunch in the morning before he goes to work. And she works from home, and so she can't really get into her work day when the kitchen is a mess, you know like your external space reflects your internal state of mind. So when the house is a mess, your mind is a mess. You can't really be productive until it's all cleaned up, and if people aren't supporting you in that, then you're spending your precious energy and valuable time cleaning before you even get to what's important to you, before you even get to what your sacred yes is, saying yes to you've already run out of energy. Sound familiar? So, you know, I said to her, I was like, Look, here's what we do as the feminine. When we want something done, when we create this vacuum,
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we issue the request with a feeling, and then we stop talking.
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So I said to her, all right, you're going to ask your husband, you know, I'd love it if you'd clean the kitchen. You. But you're going to ask him, in a way that you really name how it will make you feel. You'll say, Hey, I would feel so cherished. I would feel so loved. I would feel so seen. I would feel so warm and connected to you, whatever the feeling is. And you'll you'll know what the feeling is. I would feel so cherished if you could clean the kitchen in the morning before you leave, and
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then you just stop talking.
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Because as the feminine, our feelings are one of our two greatest superpowers, our feelings and our emotions, our sorry, our intuition and our emotional depth. Okay, so our emotional depth and our intuition are our two greatest superpowers. So when you stand in that feminine superpower of feeling, I would feel so cherished if the kitchen were clean every morning, you know, because that's what will allow me to then make dinner in the evening. That's what will allow me to go through my day. And so issue the request with the feeling and then leave it. And now you've got to hold your own boundary. And I find sometimes this is even harder for women to do unless the request is issued, if they don't pick it up really quickly, then you feel like you got to fill the vacuum because you're so used to doing it. And she said to me, she said, Well, what if I say and I want the kitchen clean, and he doesn't do it. I said, Well, what's the worst that could happen? You know? What's the worst that could happen? Like the kitchen won't be clean, so what happens? She said, Well, you know, if it's not clean, then I'll just have to clean it before I make dinner. I won't be able to make dinner until I clean it, because it has to be clean before I make dinner, which I understand, I understand. And I said, Well, you know,
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I said, then you're not going to make dinner. And she said, Well, what will we eat? And I
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said, Okay, who's your who's close by to you delivery wise, she lives in kind of a rural area. She said, Domino's Pizza. I said, well, then get Domino's on speed dial. I said, you're just gonna hold the boundary. World is not gonna fall apart. Nobody's gonna it's not gonna harm anybody. But if you rush in to fill the vacuum you've just created, no change will occur. The other person will not rise up into the healthy masculine because there's no space for them to rise into. You have to create the space. Women are receptacles. We are space creators. We are spacious in this way. We are also wild and unpredictable, but we are that space. So if we keep rushing in to fill it, we're then in the masculine and then there's no room for any other masculine around us. They just they can't be present. So we worked through it. We talked about the worst case scenario that she might be eating dominoes all week, and I said, it's okay, you know, it's all right. You've issued your request. I would feel so cherished and loved, if the kitchen were clean every morning, guess how long it took for her husband to fill that space
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kitchen was clean the very next morning,
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because when it was attached to how it would make her feel, when he knew that she would feel so cherished by him with this simple act, this simple gesture, luckily, he rose into that healthy, masculine space and cleaned the fucking kitchen. Now I'm not saying that happens every time. Obviously, I'm giving you a good example here, but I am giving you an example that when the other person in your life, when the other people in your life, have that vacuum in front of them. They have finally the opportunity to rise into it. And then you will just see, you will just see who rises, who is capable, who is willing, who is who is a big hearted, masculine person in your life to rise in that space. And you'll let them do it. You'll just let them do it. And even some of your feminine friends, like with our, with my feminine friends, like we kind of take turns occupying that space and holding space for each other. I know that my feminine friends, if I say, hey, what guys, you know what, I don't have the energy to go out tonight, they will bring me food. If I say, Hey guys, you know what, I don't have time to accomplish this particular task, they will rush in to help me. You know? If they don't, then I mean friends who don't offer that to you, that exchange for you. I think we call them energy vampires. That was one of those terms that we were using for a while. So just watch as you honor your sacred No, as you create that boundary for yourself. Number one, you have to stick with it, even though there will be a lot of discomfort and anxiety and overthinking about it, I know, girl, I know I go through it too. It's going to take practice. It's going to take some of your incredible power and stubbornness, which I know you have, and just hold the line to keep that space, to hold the vacuum. It is worth it. It is worth your discomfort. It is worth the house being a little bit dirty. It is worth the laundry piling up. It is worth missing the night out. It is worth finding out who is there and available to rise up for you and who isn't. Now you can give them a couple of tries. Remember, we're all in this culture together. There has been a lot. Of improper training. We're all just doing our best. And you know, no one else knows how to do this stuff, either. So as you and I learn here, as you and I rediscover the power of our feminine space, that vacuum, the power of our boundaries, the detriment of self betrayal, as you and I discover it, as you and I enforce it, we are going to be teaching others what is really important for the feminine, and I get the extra emotional labor of being on the front wave of that movement. I understand. That's why I'm here, doing the work. That's why I have the community. And I know that it's unfair, but it is more fair
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than continuing to betray ourselves.
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It is more fair
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to see who rises up to do a little extra emotional labor than to just continue to serve everyone else, to over give, to deplete ourselves, to say yes when we mean No,
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I am grateful
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that we live in a time where
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we have the option to exercise these boundaries, this critical, sacred no of the feminine, because even in my history, I know my ancestors didn't have this chance. I know my grandmother didn't have this chance, but we do. I think it's part of our sacred obligation as women on this planet in this time to honor those boundaries for all of the women before us who couldn't. And I don't say that as a guilt trip. I say that as an empowerment trip, like, wow, we are lucky, even with all that is still going on in this world that is crazy and unfair and decenters the feminine, we're making little strides. We're having little sparks. We're finding little ways to be radically transformational in our own hearts and our own minds, to do just a little bit of violence on those who try to oppress us and say, Hey, no, it's not going to work out this way, but we will never betray ourselves again, and the discomfort that comes with creating that vacuum is sometimes worth it. So I have some resources now about this sacred GNOME, talking about it in my monthly workshop. And for those of you that are interested in more teaching with me and more of this work and having support in this work, not only do I invite you to join my community at the satisfied woman. But the satisfied woman is also a membership community that has different levels where that you can join, where you can get this workshop that I offer every month as part of your joining. There's a lot of ways to participate, and I want you there, so come join me at the satisfied woman.com. Listen to the workshop or take part in the community, as you will, and make sure that you download those resources I have for you at the satisfied woman.com/empower me again. My name is Alanna Kaivalya, and it is my great pleasure and honor to be here with you in this podcast. I hope that you will share it with other women around you who want to do this work. Find their own sacred No, enforce their boundaries so that they have the ability and the energy to offer their sacred Yes, when they are ready. You.
